W continues to live with OM - what to do?

[longrun]

Journal

Today is June 30, the end of the first half of 2013, time to look back.

We often use the acronym "DB" on the forum. It is supposed to mean "divorce busting". In my view a better meaning is "depression busting". Michele Weiner-Davis' advice has helped me a lot to digest the pain and the anger after my wife held her "I love you but I am not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY) speech and all the other steps she has taken away from me. But regarding the relationship with my wife the first year of DBing has not yielded any tangible results towards reconciliation.

They say that most affairs don't last, that 80-90% are going to fail. Well, my wife started her affair behind my back and every single decisive step she took since then was getting closer to the "other man", OM. She announced the physical affair in April 2012, she left the family house and moved in with OM and my/our kids in September 2012, she is currently spending her second summer holidays with OM and my kids, she is introducing OM to her close and distant family.

Watching the progress of forum members I also don't see much hope. Initially I thought the success rate, of getting at least to the piecing stage, is maybe 20%. Now I think it is closer to 5% or even lower. Many marriages of vocal forum members have edged closer to divorce or divorce has been finalized. Crimson had started to piece but there is another setback.

All in all I have developed a sober view of the effectiveness of DBing. I am thankful that it has helped me to find an emotional balance - I do not feel like a piece of raw flesh any more as I did for weeks after ILYBNILWY. I am very successful with my "core 180", my main change correcting a deficiency of me during the past years. At "bomb drop" day I was still a houseman and student who couldn't pay any bills. One year ago I picked up an "A" diploma and have become an IT specialist with a very good salary who is sent to other continents by a famous multinational company. And the relationship with my kids has become even better than it had been before - in the rare times I manage to be together with them.

Whenever I am in the former family house and the kids split their week between me and W/OM frictions arise. W brings and picks up the kids, often she forgets something, is late, gives us some "tasks" (the kids should read that, meet that friend, go to bed early etc.). When I am far away from home my peace of mind is much better (except that I miss my kids terribly). Right now I am on my third two-month trip within nine months, 10.000 km away from home. Currently my company is looking for volunteers for a one-year stay in North America. I'll volunteer. I had never been outside of Europe until a year ago. Living in North America had always been a dream. So that would be long-term GALing giving W LOTS of time and space.

P.S.: nobody has filed yet.