NERO here- don't let me float away anybody

[Takevowsserious]

So Nero, everyday you're shuffling?

My new favorite song is Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines".

It's funky AND naughty lol!!!!

Keep on dancing girl

[nero]

hy hi-

i'll go find it- have a listen - today a bit less funnsville- workin on movin out of it- stopping thinking (for God's Sake) and getting on wi5th it

one more day -

thanks for note &music SUGGESTION -

i'll get thru this someday i think- seems long today.

[nero]

i'm just journaling for a minute here-

all of a sudden (and i do mean all of a sudden) my friend reminded me just now on phone it's 4th of july.


da da dummmmm- the anniversary of my h's big giant slide into debauchery - found out much later- but now the holiday just makes me feel ill to contemplate. i will not bore & horrify you all with what the e-mail said - recapping the wonders of the stinkin fourth of july - "their" holiday - gag gag puke and alot more.....

i would like to light a big rocket and put it somewhere not very kind of me to even think-

i thnk of him spending the long weekend with ow- sashay around disney - enjoy the parade - boink each other til they die-

of course i know i shouldn't allow brain to go there- it just went by itself when i wasn't lookng.

i'm gong to go out and either dig up the lillies for another buddy - or go walk down to sister's for afternoon coffee-

get rite out of here- get brain more gainfully occupied -

BUT - FOR THIS ONE MOMEMNT- I do not want to know everything i do about this guy- i want it all gone from my life.

i want to believe (i wish huh?) that i do not care one bit about any of it- that it's all outside me and my life-

that he doesn't exist.

that's all- i'm outta here

[albamarie]

Oh Nero, your getting stronger everyday! That's what I am doing, your so funny, he doesn't excisit, I don't care one bit about any of this, it's outa my head!

Saturday, for the first time I closed my bedroom door behind me ( leaving h on couch) and it felt great! I actually felt releaved not to have him in my room, no pretending, no forcing myself to be nice, or care about what the hell he's talking about or watching on the History Channel again!

I'm trying to look at this from my perspective, no longer what he would think or how he would interpret what I do, free!

Enjoy when he leaves, your excepting it more and more, enjoy it! It does nothing to be sad when dropping him off! I even went as far as making sure H's calls go straight to voicemail, if he has something to worth a damn, leave a message otherwise, wtf do you you want!

We have to untwine and with every vine we release it feels great!

I think I I put my time in with validation, and it changed nothing, now it's his him who will step up or step out, I have to spoken to him since Wed when I found out he was giving EA $, of course now he's trying to talk to me, honestly I don't even look at him!

Nero, I agree your H still has some kinda connection to you, God knows...but you may never know what that is! Only you can change your sitch, and at your time, at your pace!

Your chair idea by the road sound cool! You sound like your a little eclectic in style, maybe a little bohemian in taste, sounds awesome! Maybe a little country sleek in you! I'm a little country sleek, with clean and basic! My D says I'm too plain, ha she doesn't know the me I packed away to be a mom and wife!

So this is your independence week also, yea you, no more lies, no more life filled with deceit, the truth hurts, but think of the behind your back alternative!

Have a great day!!!!!!

[nero]

hey DAWN -

hi and wow do you sound great - I MEAN GREATTT.!!!! YAY- AND HERE'S ME THINKING OF A BIG GIANT F'ING BRIGHT COLORFUL FIREWORK WITH DAWN SPELLED ACROSS THE SKY- LIGHTS & BEAMS SHOOTING EVERYWHERE - AND YOU ALLLLLL SHINEY & NEW & LIBERATED.

I HADN't looked at it as INDEPENDENCE DAY- MAYBE IT IS. maybe that's why (i swear- cheesy- but hand of God - truly) my discovery of his damning - exposing e-mail was when it was.

it sure ruins my holiday notion- BUT HERE I AM by self- his ancient aunt has spent a lifetime alone- she is almost 90- voluteers & "goes to work" every day- half a day or so- she' practically is sooooo decrepid , walks with a walker & i swear- just crumblie - umblie totters along- it's pitiful - BUT YA KNOW WHAT??? SHE'S MOVING- SHE'S GOING, SHE'S GOT A LIFE AND A SOCIAL LIFE- she traveled all her life all alone- she gathers people & friends everywhere - she keeps in touch- goes too pera and out alot-

i was thinking of her this morning- i've always admired her pluck & her answer to the problem of life alone- FILL IT UP WITH PEOPLE - GO DO IT- DO BEST YOU CAN & KEEP BUSY-

SOOOO- with your big good attitude thing going on (i'm happy for you soooo much and jealous - but working on it too)

I'M GOING FORTH this stinking 4th of stinkin july and conquering the giant SHADOW my jerk of a H put on the holiday & tryin as hard a possible to let go of the bad notion and embrace the real reason for the holiday

AND MAYBE FOR US TOO!!!!!!!~ i like the liberation thing- if i could only fully liberate my mind and heart-

you're inspiring me this morning. i say get wild - grab colors of paint you love and spalsh them on something in any particular pattern that flows out of your head & hands.

me- i've got pints of a beaut9iful periwinkle blue- a good deepish rosey pink, a pale yellow & a giant sunflower yellow- and a medium green (tho i'm leaning to bright - light leaf green this morning)

I am on a campaign to clear off every surface in my house this morning(or die) and then to keep them that way - by hook or by crook.

clearing out my house- my work area - the clutter of place (and hopefully- i mean it - i hope i hope i hope - OF MIND) AND HEART andmovnig forward. somewhere -

was bummed one tiny bit h didn't call laast nite- cursed him out alot (i got hom around 11 - so wasn't there to get it- but he could have given a damn)

i am SOOOO TIRED of caring or giving a dam and NOTICING too- when it's nothing to him.

today- this minute- he can just go drop dead -

okay- i'm going to go RE-PAINT the giant flag banners i got somewhere years ago- they're like maybe 5'x3' and make really good (shades) and banners on front porch- but are faded. gonna take a bucket of red & white and little roller & perk those suckers up - gotta keep it nice for my drive-by fan club.

wish me luck- i need it here - this feeling "damaged" is sooo not my happy place - and so not me....

(famous last words) me and the south huh? the south shall rise again???!!!...


xxoo love ya- have a GREAT day & tell me about it- i'm feeding off your feel-good message today

[nero]

OH YEAH- WHERE THE HECK AM I? I COULDN'T FIND MY THREAD AT ALL TODAY- WIL GO LOOK FOR A THIRD TIME- BUT I'VE , IN FACT, FLOATED AWAY


HELLLLLPPPPPPPP

[nero]

OKAY- NEVER MIND - i must be losin my marbles. i did find me- i was right there- wtf???

watch those damn fireworks & eat the damn hotdogs & paint the damn flags & find some damn people-

revolutionary nero here - prepareing for battle (somewhat). we can do this troops - uh hem - rite?

[albamarie]

Nero, if your loosing your marbles, I must be really lost. Hold on, I feed of off your strength to be independent.

I hope your ok tonight, you sound a little in dispare.

Sending good thoughts your way!!

[nero]

hey hi-

Nice of you to wonder - i was a bit desparing- it comes and goes , dosn't it? some days hopelessness just washes over me and i think i realize it's alllll over. all of it-

then, recognize that damn tiny spark of "maybe" there- cripes dawn...

you sound good & i'm feeding off your positivity as well. we are such a symbiotic pair of creatures, aren't we?

any port in a storm my dear.

turned out okay yesterday. cleaned like mad (and danced a bit) in morning. friend came over round noon to get help making an old quilt into valences for her spare room- i just advised & made her cut & do most of sewing- (good for her soul to remember how to use sewing machine) then we visited my mom (she worked with my mom years ago before she knocked on my door & we became v good buds), shopped - finished curtains- i walked with other buddy- took sleeping pill and day over - one more down the tube -

did i just admit that -

life is soooo fleeting - seems soooo bad/sad to view a day as "over" - like i just go thru the motions and get thru it. i resent feeling like that any day (but did & sometimes still do) - in my life- since my sister(57) & "buddy/broTHER (42)" (2 sidekicks of my youth) are both dead & gone- seems like an insult to them to waste even one day.

need to work on that pma even more.

anyway- still standing today. i wonder about the detachment thing- your one comment about not being invested AT ALL with what h said, something like that. i talked to h on phone last nite- my heart wasn't in it- i was going thru the motions (idk why i think i SHOULD) MAKE THE effort. inquired about his need for a eye test (new news yesterday) and if is "okay" about dad's death. seemed like a decent thing to inquire how dealing with either scary (eyes) thing.

my heart doesn't do any flip - like it used to - like linda. i wish it did-

i don't want him to suffer from a physical malady- he & i got chatting about people "missing us when we're gone". me- i like to think there will be an unfillable hole in SOMEONE's life when i'm dead & gone. seems sad tothink nobody notices and misses ya. he says he never feels like that or thought of it. i'm sayin- he's a werd self-contained guy.

idont care ifhe judges me about it- i care & like it about people - and i want caring back too- it's who i am. is that so bad???? i'm askin ya- i just admit it- maybe he can't.??

and if he truly doesn't care about anyone- then how sad a person is he? and ho=w sad for him to be sooooo isolated & solitary and like it- eeeek (probably fact that he grew up allll alone - except for 2 yrs of baby brother he loved - til mother & brother disappeared one nite) (the things parents do to kids huh?)

anyway- i'm okay- hope your day is good. think mine will be- it's stillovercast so need to go in garden a bit. need to work more on my de-clutter & revamp my living space -

i'm making it more ME - THOUGHT OFYOU - i put a few things of his away & in drawers and wondered how he'll feel when he SEES HIS HOME/LIFE CLOSING UP BEHIND HIM AS I MOVE AWAY. HE'S MADE ME FEEL OUT OF PLACE & unwelcome in fla house (my home for most of my life) - i'm doing this for my own comfort & pleasure (but ancillary affect will be him walking in and seeing his things not in evidence) wonder how that will strike him? it looks good tho- his dish of change gone- his laptop hidden in tv room- etc. small things -

now that i say it tho- he has so few things here that are "him" - i wonder if he's always felt out of place because it was "my place" and he couldn't break in and it be HIS>

HE has a real real huge problem with sharing - hmself- his heart- his space, etc.

am i going in a wrong way here? whattya think about the "stuff" issue-

will it insult him to see his few things hidden- or will it jolt him in a good way? and make him think long and hard about what he's doing.

i have no strategy- this seeing both sides stuff makes me crazy-

i do not want to make him unwelcome - i do want him to see how much it hurts to have the other person shove you under a cushion-

input dawn please? i cannot see clearly what i'm doing or did or may do...

give me your thought about it if you find a minute and have one-

this is soooo me- i hate being "hard" and "teaching lessons". hate it hate it hate it-

xxoo gonna be a good day i thnk-

[RosaLinda]

Hi Nero! So glad I found your new thread!

Wow you have some great reasons for hating the 4th of July, but I"m glad you are resolved to look at it as YOUR INDEPENDENCE DAY! All those fireworks going off to celebrate your independence in your newly cleaned house, with all your H's stuff hidden away in drawers!

I looked at Party Rock on youtube, and a lesson for the dance steps for people who were going to be part of the flash mob. You're right, it is such fun, instant PMA! We're not too old to rock with the best of them Nero! And hopefully in 20 years, we'll be like your old aunt, trucking along with our friends and our families and social life, dancing around to Party Rock! You're right, it seems like an insult to the memory of your sister and best friend to was our lives. Our lives will be what we make of them, with our without our Hs, so let's make sure that we have the best lives ever.

I'm glad you have your trip to FL to visit the kids in August, somehting to look forward to! My brother lives near Ft. Lauderdale in Davie, they have the best beaches down there! Will you stay with your H while you're down there?

I'm glad for you that your heart doesn't flip over your H anymore Nero, it's so hard to love someone so much like that when you know that he doesn't love you anymore. My H keeps telling me that the only reason I love him is because I'm losing him. He's such a jacka$$ sometimes. I am trying to detach, not too successfully huh?

Hey Dawn, you sound great! So glad to read "I'm trying to look at this from my perspective, no longer what he would think or how he would interpret what I do, free!" You sound happy and free. It does my heart good to hear you happy!

It's great that you have such insight into your H's horrid childhood Nero, as that's probably why he cracked into this MLC craziness right? How horrible for him to have his mom disappear with his baby brother one night. Maybe you're right, he just CAN'T care about anyone else at this time. My H actually said that to me. He said that he cares about me and RT equally, but thinks that he has really actually never loved anyone, that he is not sure if he can love anyone. I sure felt like he loved me over the years. He made me FEEL beloved. How can he feel that he never loved anyone? And I know that he tells the RT that he loves her; maybe he's lying to her? Have they just hoodwinked each other?

But maybe someday Nero, our H's will wake up and see that we have been loving them all this time that they were totally unloveable, and they will realize that we are the prizes, and turn back to us. This is the hope that keeps me going Nero.

Thanks for being such a good friend and checking up on me. You keep me going too