Yes Busting - I know these things... but I'm having trouble moving forward with them.
Truth be told. I have never really been good at being selfish. Even the good kind of selfish. I have been at this for 2 years and I STILL struggle with creating boundaries and choosing me.
I remember the times I chose me in the divorce and how many tears I shed. I remember watching x get angry and say hurtful things. I remember feeling guilty.
Those are hard feelings to go back to... especially to go back to with just the faith that things will work out exactly the way they are supposed to.
Going to my x with these boundaries would be testing her growth. It would be testing my own. I'm not ready.. but want to be.
Kate - Thanks! You know I truly felt like I had let my x go. I forgave and wished for her happiness. That is what she asked for.. so I gave it to her.
But how do you let go when someone is trying to get in? It FEELS like the "letting go" is now pushing away.
Grace - I think a big thing is that I am feeling GUILT. Guilt for wanting to move on. Guilt for not wanting to try any more.
When x and I signed our papers she thanked me for loving her and and apologized for not being able to accept it.
Then what the he!! I am doing here then?? Is her contact her attempt to accept it??
I'm sorry - but that is just not enough for me... it shouldn't be enough for anyone.
Besides loving herself, her allowing others to love her.. is one of the greatest gifts she can give herself. If I'm not that person, so be it...
.. but with my LL being acts of service and time... giving is a huge part of who I am.
I would be more than happy to work through it with her... but I don't serve that purpose in her life.
And her and I are not at a point where we can "just be" in each others lives. At least I'm not.
Does that make sense? I feel like I am starting to ramble.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
