Up in the air, LONG

[Demoted26]

In a strange twist I believe my husband is leaning on me for emotional support to come to terms with our sitch.

I KNOW that if I cut him out of my life, things would change & H would likely want to try (he may be acting unlike his usual self, but I know him pretty darn good after 26 years).

If he disliked our relationship that much he would avoid me & barely speak to me. That's what he does when he doesn't like someone...and basically how he treated me in the beginning of the S. He's still in this thing, but hes fighting that. I'm sure he'd D if I pressured him tho. He's stubborn & because he ISN'T HAPPY with a lot of aspects of his life right now , he would let go of everything because he doesn't know how to not be unhappy.

H needs to take a leap of faith to heal our relationship, same as me...try to reconnect. We have a lot going for us, even still. But I'm honestly not sure he'd take that leap without a nudge. He said he's affraid we'll "be ok for a year or two, then go back to arguing". I told him, "Thats why we need to learn how to communicate openly & honestly. Bring things up before they eat you up, so they can be worked out". He just shakes his head & says it won't work.

I hope I've grown more than that...that he could come to me & say, "Hey, this is bugging me" & I could say, "how do we make it better"? , instead of getting defensive.
Sad thing is, his focus is elsewhere & he hasn't changed at all (other than being kinder to me most days). So I'm not sure he wouldn't still just stuff feelings, resentments instead of asking for a compromise, or explain how whatever was bugging him made him feel & suggest resolutions.
Then again, H feels *I* am the sole problem in the relationship. Sigh.

Why can I not bring myself to just shut him out right now?!

I think I'm affraid #1. What if he"gets over it" while he's mad that ' I turned on him'....I don't want to purposefully hurt H, either. Funny since he has said some cruel things to me in all of this!

I also don't want to upset the kids further, make them feel awkward.
Any more than they likely do already.

I'm just straight up not ready emotionally.
Especially with everything going on with my Dad right now. Not that I ever think I'd be fully ready, but who knows? If this goss I'm long enough, I suppose MY needs will go unmet long enough & I too will figure out that our relationship isn't working.

I do want to be loved & cherished again, someday.
H really did love me a LOT, once. I just wish I could rewind back to then &.let him know how glad that made me feel. Instead of just telling him I loved him too. I dont think hes ever understood how VERY MUCH I've always loved him & needed him & WANTED him in my life.

I'm unable to detach right now. I' do try to "stand back" a little, be less reactive (I do ok with that, but usually react badly when he says certain things that remind me he no longer loves me, but silently at first, then rationalize & talk myself down). I know myself, and if I detach, I detach for good. I guess he needs to make out more concrete that he is done in actions for me to take that step. Once we D he will no longer be my 'friend'...hre will just be someone'i used to know'.
Lord how I hate the idea of that.