Now 2+ yrs time to get off this limbo

[newman7977]

Oh hey GTO, just posted on your latest yep interesting weekend

"I am on a the same page as you... a break-up had to happen to give our M a chance. BUT, my H is still deeply "in love" w OW. SO, I don't know if there is still a chance AND I'm not so sure any more if I want to R."

You mentioned this^^, just curious what is your plan? Are you gonna wait it out until the EA end? I ask because all weekend long my mind is spinning about actually initiating filing for D. I can't help, but I kept thinking about the D process. The weekends together, well I'm actually dreading it nowadays. The awkwardness of it.

Yesterday I went to the movies with the big kids and I was genuinely happy. Today we all went to lunch and the mood was horrible. It's really getting worst that were together but don't get me wrong were not fighting were just cold and I worry about what my kids continue to see.

Anyway, I'm thinking about the D and even thinking of pulling the trigger in Aug. I need to talk to a couple more L's and mediator to get more info and second opinion. I met with one already he seems good but I have no measuring stick until I consult 1-2 more. We'll see I'll sit on these feelings for now and see how it pans out.

What about you, ever had these thoughts?

Newman

[AnotherStander]

What about you, ever had these thoughts?

I think we all have those thoughts. But D rarely brings the closure people expect it to. Ask yourself what you are hoping to gain with a D, then ask yourself whether those goals really will be accomplished with a D. And spend a LOT of time contemplating that. For example, people often think "I just want this to be over, I don't want to hurt anymore." But D isn't a magic bullet that erases pain, often it makes the hurt worse instead of better.

[newman7977]

What about you, ever had these thoughts?

I think we all have those thoughts. But D rarely brings the closure people expect it to. Ask yourself what you are hoping to gain with a D, then ask yourself whether those goals really will be accomplished with a D. And spend a LOT of time contemplating that. For example, people often think "I just want this to be over, I don't want to hurt anymore." But D isn't a magic bullet that erases pain, often it makes the hurt worse instead of better.

Thanks AS. I can't shake it up. I'm still determined, determined to stop the cycle. It's no magic bullet and I kno it's gonna hurt. But it's time to put a stop in this abuse. Her deception, lies, disrespect has to stop. Time to get me out of the picture. It's been 2 yrs, she needs to look at herself just like I did...and if she choose to stay in the M I'm here for her ready to work.

I'm planning as we speak, sell the house get a condo for myself and the kids. I'm thinking Aug, that's our 19th anniversary. The woman I M died 2 yrs ago. This woman I'm with right now doesn't care for my feelings. She chose to hurt her family for a cost of a fantasy. I know she's fogged up. But even MWD said you can't torture yourself forever. I have no more respect for my W. is it bad? But at the moment that's how I feel. All these I'm feeling right now. Maybe it will change.

Newman

[littleGTO]

Wow, newman,

You and I are really having similar thoughts these days! Yes, I have thought about filing. Not yet, but at some point in the not-so-distant future if H doesn't give up his EA AND start showing some baby steps back in my direction I don't think I can stand much longer.

Not because of the pain anymore, as AS said, but because I want to get on with my life. YEs, yes, GAL is getting on with your life, but as you know I am starting to get interested in the idea of dating.

Having someone else give you a tiny bit of the attention you've been missing (not to mention the eventual LOVE) is something I want again. And for me it has been AT LEAST 18 months since H has been involved in EA and another 6 that he has been emotionally absent from our M.

No, I will not wait forever. I agree you need to stir the pot.

I will say the separation, albeit very painful at first, was actually what helps me start moving forward very very slowly. I got the point where I also did not want to be around H. It is so much better for me when he is not around. So, I understand where you are coming from!

[newman7977]

"You and I are really having similar thoughts these days!"

Great minds think alike lol!

"Having someone else give you a tiny bit of the attention you've been missing (not to mention the eventual LOVE) is something I want again. And for me it has been AT LEAST 18 months since H has been involved in EA and another 6 that he has been emotionally absent from our M."

Agreed. You know what else ? I miss the time when I get home and share my day with my W. Even as she said we were distant in the 18 yrs together (which is not true), we shared our day almost everyday. I have a very stressful job and sometimes i just want to share how I handled my day. Ok no more pity party for me lol, I'm a big boy and I can handle it.

[littleGTO]

I agree, newman,

Sharing my day is something I miss too, very much! In fact when I reflect on WHEN my H started detaching from me one of the first things I remember is his lack of interest in my day.

[newman7977]

Ok here's the latest. I just got a letter from the W. she wants to end things I can't stop her it's best that she files. It still hurt but not much.

She wants to refi the house so she can buy a cheap house so I can stay there...ummm wouldn't that make my mortgage higher!

Anyway, the solution is sell the house and split the equity. If she can't be in the M 100% there is no M.

I'm still at work busting my tail and I get this letter. I'm here and will do to make the M work but by no means will take her fogged up logic. She needs to wake up, just hope that I'm still there when she does.

Just venting. Your thoughts are welcome.

Newman

[newman7977]

I should be home in an hour.

I will tell her, W I understand you can't live in a loveless house. You deserve your happiness. If your decision is to end this then nothing I can do, you are free to make your choices and decision.

As far as the house, I disagree on the refinancing that you propose. We need to sell the house and split the equity. There is no sense to have things together because there is no us. It is your call what you do with your share. Lets be reasonable and take custody of the kids 50/50.

I wish you the best and happiness.

This would be my points in discussing this w her when I get home.

Newman

[newman7977]

Wow. I don't think she expected that from me. I left the room with her confused and stunned look on her face. I think it really helped tremendously that I'm really ok with this.

Anyway, I got home and told her I read her letter and that if she would like to talk about it. She said yes.

Me: W I understand you feel you want to end this M, I understand your feelings are gone and that you don't love me. I understand you are seeking for your happiness. I have no control over these feelings and they are yours. You are responsible. And if your decision is to end this that's your decision even though I have a different decision. (I was very calm and really dug deep to get my confidence throughout the Convo)

W: well I just want the best for the kids and I. I can not get those feelings back no matter how much I try.

Me: I know I can't force you in our M. Like I said you are free to make your choice. I'm here and ready to rebuild our M, but you have to be in it 100% and I won't take less. You can not cheat and talk to OM, no matter how you say that's not cheating he influenced your feelings. You can't sugarcoat this cheating. You disregarded how I would feel, you disregarded how your family would feel from that decision and it is unacceptable to me.

Me: your decision is to end this and I understand. But I disagree about refinancing the house. I can't afford this house.

W: you can refinance and go 30yrs (we only have 10yrs left in the house) the mortgage will go down.

M: that's uncertainty and I don't feel that's secure. Here's what we will do, we sell the house split the equity in half you spend your half and let me worry about my share.

W: what about the kids they will be devastated?

M: they will be hurt no matter what. Plus the "nesting" custody is no good from what I read. It's better the kids have what they can call this is mmommys house and this is daddy's house. Look there is no sense to have that is ours, there is no more "us". We can call our realtor and start putting the house in market. We will have money then you can file for D.

W: we don't need a lot of money for d.

Me: yeah you do, those papers to file, the appearance in court and possible L fee.

W: we don't need L.

Me: we need to divide our assets, everything we need to do it correctly.

W: I looked there are workshops that can help us.

Me: well you worry about what you would do on your end and I will worry about mine.

Then I changed clothes and went about my business. Left her with a puzzled look on her face. The look of " is this the right decision?"

I wonder if this is the beginning of closure that people talk about? I really felt ok and now I know where is this going. I keep remembering what MWD said there is life after D.

Thanks DB for preparing me to expect the worse and reconnecting me to my confidence.

Newman

[newman7977]

Just a brief update:

Looks like I gave her a dose of reality yesterday after her letter because after that conversation she's been nice to me and even slept in the MBR just when I was getting use to my king size bed. Forgot to mention last week that she moved out of MBR and yesterday went back. This is coming from a w that wanted to end things badly.

The more I think about it the more I think that she didnt believe that letter herself perhaps it was influenced mostly by OM. It doesn't matter me moving forward if she chose to is real and i will execute, if she doesn't commit to our M.

I think what she wanted was an insurance. Her mentality was to refi and rent an apt, so while she see OM and See if things go well she drops me if not she returns to the house that is almost paid off since she knows how much I love her and will just take her back. But nope, I'm changed and i will not settle to be her second choice. She wants to pursue OM then she will lose me that's the consequence of cheating, she needs to realize that. No way I will be her second choice or plan B.

I know she doubts OM, because in my snooping days, I read one of OMs response saying "don't you ever doubt me". That's the weakness in their A, I know my W doubts him. And when I contacted OMs W a while back, I can see why. I'm really not against snooping if you can handle it. I think it gives you intel on what you're up against.

Anyway, life goes on. I stay poise and confident. Sandi mention to me before, chest out, head up and show confidence.

Newman