Wild Horses (couldn't drag me away)

[Thumpered]

FY, the stable room-mate thing is very trying, I know. At least you have more positives than negatives going on for you.

I know how bad you just want to reach out for a hug, but DONT. Keep up with the patience. Sounds like your doing good. Damn this is a long process eh?

[TSquared2]

Hi FY,
This may be a "tell":

My wife looked at me and said "I'm not ready to come home, I need to keep running".

Sounds similar to what my W said at our anniversary date and her unexpected movie choice : "I am into fantasy, not reality, ....right now...."
With my W I am thinking her own frustrations were driving the BD three weeks before, and wanting to run (there is a heaping handful of mind reading in there on my part).

I feel like your W isn't quite done from that statement given sorta offhandedly if I read you correctly... But she sounds like she is tired of limbo too like my W (and us), just still don't quite sit comfortably with the work and trying to move closer. Running seems the easier path still. YMMV as usual.

Sorry if post isn't as clear, I am replying on my phone and I svck at phone typing.

T^2.

[RosaLinda]

Your trip sounds like a mixture of good times, and not so good, but you held it together wonderfully. I'm really impressed by you. I'm glad she liked the pearl. Your W seems to be getting some self-awareness, maybe because of your steadfastness. Interesting that she is aware that she is still running FY. 

Your statement about rewriting is discouraging "The thing is, this rewritten history is reality for our spouses. We have to work from there."  Won't our spouses realize this rewritten marital history is not true eventually? If not, I don't see much chance of a future with my H. He believes (and tells others including family members) that besides never loving me, I have been lying and cheating on him for the past 38 years, constantly undermine his achievements in life, try to ruin his health, and even tried to poison him. It breaks my heart but I assumed he'd realize they aren't true when he "wakes up."

[ForeverYoung]

Hey, thanks for the kind words of support, Thumpered. I actually feel we're both doing as well as can not be expected. (No expectations!) lol

Great points T2. I figure as long as she's still here, I can't be that bad of an option, and she must not be convinced that she should bail. Now to go hug W!

Your statement about rewriting is discouraging "The thing is, this rewritten history is reality for our spouses. We have to work from there." Won't our spouses realize this rewritten marital history is not true eventually?

Linda, it's all about their perspective. Our spouses are seeing the past through the glasses they are wearing now. Their perspective has changed, and it can change again. Remember also that the vets tell us MLC'ers often do not even remember some of their cruel comments to us. Kinda like how they can't remember the great times of the past right now, I'd guess!

I assumed he'd realize they aren't true when he "wakes up."

Any wake up, if there is one, will be a slow gradual process, not a snap of the fingers and they're back in Kansas.

I don't consider any of this discouraging, as much as just accepting what is.

[uRworthy]

FY, you are an amazing man, really.

I cannot imagine, no matter how detached you are and how low your expectations, that what she said didnt hurt you and I am so sorry for that.

I do think your w has an awful lot of work to do in order to become whole. And it really isnt something she can do on her own.

But the pain of it all has to be stronger than the strength of denying its affect before she will go for help.

I agree she is not convinced she should bail.

I just wish she would speak to someone.

And I can tell you that my xh does not recall most of what he has said. He denies having said our marriage was awful. He said he would never say such a thing. Scary, isnt it?

And you are right, their views can change overtime.

You just keep on keepin on, sweetie. All you can do right now.

[reachingHigher]

I assumed he'd realize they aren't true when he "wakes up."

Any wake up, if there is one, will be a slow gradual process, not a snap of the fingers and they're back in Kansas.

I don't consider any of this discouraging, as much as just accepting what is.

My H has woken up in a lot of aspects, but living through this thing, I surely wouldn't describe it as that. The perspective they have is so hugely different. In his case, it doesn't appear like he regretted his year or two of replay.

More like reluctance to give it up. Choosing the right/best thing (M and family) over teenager play. And he keeps getting tempted.

Once you start reconnecting, the love you start receiving from your spouse, helps to make these past issues not as important. What we have NOW is important. And it's new and wonderful. And we couldn't have had it without the pain of the past five years.

And my H has many memory lapses but they're not an issue. And he did change his "never having loved you" to "hadn't loved you as deeply as I could have".

I don't know how to describe it. Last June I was in terrible emotional pain. Living day-to-day with anxiety. Then I accepted the D in December. Now, unbelievably, I'm looking at the possible rest of our lives together. And working on our issues. It's surreal.

I say, just hang in there. And take care of yourself as long as you're waiting.

[RosaLinda]

That is wonderfully encouraging rH. I couldn't be happier for you, or more hopeful for the rest of us. Thank you!!!

[tori2012]

FY, I'm so proud of you for the way you handled the super-tough conversation w your W! Kudos to you. Your unconditional love is so hard to find, and I wish your W could see it.

I think she sees you as the pursuer and is pulling away as a result. You know how it goes. She is taking you for granted, like many people do with the ones who loved them the most.

My advice? Extend lots of love to yourself. Do things that bring you joy. Continue improving yourself. Continue being patient. Great things are coming your way.

[RosaLinda]

How are you doing Forever? How has your W been acting since your anniversary trip? I'm sure you're holding the walls of your marital fort together as usual!

[tori2012]

FY, something else I meant to ask: Your W expressed how hurt she was and how no one knew what had really happened. What is she talking about? I think she sees whatever incident happened between the two of you as something she can't forgive. This might be the key to making things better...