Just saying hello.

[prometheus]

Here i am, arrived at the keyboard fresh from a little talk with the W. She initiated the conversation. Stated that it was very hard for others to maintain a happy disposition when i am miserable every morning. I stated that it was not true. (i have been upset in general lately though)

Instead of validating (doh!) what my wife had said, i think i said something unhelpful... I COMPLAINED that it was hard waking up to my reality. I continued, "i don't not know where to turn, what to do, how i should be moving forward. I am operating in limbo. I don't have any information to go on. You have taken decisions that have affected others without consultation or communication."

Then i said something that might be a form of validation? not sure. I happened to have the bottle of St John's Wort pills that i have started to take to try and combat my moodiness. I showed it to W, saying that i was being proactive in trying to help myself, and was doing my best to be positive.

That did not seem to work because she then accused me of being negative about my having achieved 100% in a recent educational examination that i sat. Again, i should have just validated somehow, but instead i wanted to argue the point about how her perception of that particular conversation (that she had only really overheard) was at odds with what i was trying to convey.
At some point W said that she did not want for me to be so unhappy and miserable. I don't remember if i responded to that. I was becoming upset.

I could not continue after that outburst so i left the room for a moment. When i returned, my W was making her way out the back and asked if i was coming out there, presumably to continue the conversation we were having, since she would not usually invite me to come out and sit with her otherwise.

This is the point where i should have retreated. Instead, i went outside with my wife. Our S5 was hovering so i went back in. I went back out when the coast was clear.

W asked me what information i thought i needed. I told W that i was upset that she had taken decisions without discussion. She said she had. I disagreed, saying that the only discussion that we had had, was when a couple of letters addressed to her from the government arrived. At the time, (June 4) i asked my wife about them because she usually just opens them and leaves them for me to read, and hadn't. Her reply was that they were "a communication to me". (This set me to worrying. I snooped and found the letters later.)

So i repeated that the Q about the letters was all the discussion there was. W had no response to that, because that WAS the only discussion that we had had. All she could say was "well what is there to say? What do you want to know?"

I said..."when were you going to tell me that you have become a single parent in the eyes of the govt? Don't you have to tell the other party?"

Her reply - no.
I said, But your decision affects others!
W: Who?
Me: Me!
W said that she is "only trying to gain some independence."
I said, "I have never begrudged you your freedom to do as you wish."
W said, "perhaps not consciously."
I said, "it is hard to not do something that you are not conscious of."
I can't remember what else was said....it is so upsetting.

Shortly after, W had to go out and get D12. She gave me a hug. First physical contact in more than a week. Said that it was just a change, not the end of the world. Foolishly, i countered that i did not want it to be the end of us and that it was much more than just a change for me.

Sadly, i ended the conversation by speaking from my pain. I said that "whilst not wanting to unfairly burden her, i think that it is all too easy for the one who has dumped another to say that it is just a change. For the one who is dumped, it is a struggle to be so philosophical."

What is wrong with me? I am trying to get through this but all the things that i do are so unhelpful.