I did finish the Mass to Bermuda race. It was awesome! It felt like it was way too short to be a race. We came in 5th out of 13 in our division and 16th out of 34 overall. Not to bad for five of the six people never have done this before.
I got home on Sunday and had several hunches that wife has launched into a PA with a new person. I arrived at the house and wife was supposed to have left my dog, oh but surprise she hadn't. About 20 minutes after I walked into the house she shows up. I really didn't want to see her so I went into another room. She followed me there and was trying to be nice and wish me a happy birthday. Something snapped and I had a melt down. I was so upset and I asked if she had a new girlfriend and she said yes and you don't know her. That they are very happy and that I needed to move on because she has. I then said (ok it was more like screamed it) she needed to leave. I know it was wrong but it all just hit me like a lead pipe. I am in so much pain --she acts like she's all in love with this new person. I did not use the need to STFU clause and just tried to hurt her as much as she is hurting me. She also had the woman on our boat and in our bed. Yeah that's a no win situation. Easy to see that now, but not so easy when she's there. Then to top it all off, her new girlfriend calls the house phone with an opening of "Hey Babe". I told her that she should call her girlfriend cell not the home phone where the wife lives and then I hung up before she could say anything back.
The next day she sent me a barrage of texts about how I scared her and threatened to take the dog. I honestly scared myself. I'm not proud of my actions they hit me by surprise too. I just want this all to be done and her gone and me to be in a better state of mind. I don't see how this can happen with her here.
Her texts were again all over the place...upset about my outburst..then she starts the "I know that you are hurting-I know this is not easy and she not trying to make it worse and that she had been trying to negotiate a divorce with me and leaving the marriage was breaking her vows and I need to accept it. I want you to be past the anger so I can be healthy and happy. Our marriage is over. That I'm not accepting the divorce I'm fighting it. She went on to say that I had not been acting like someone who wants her back. I have not done one single thing to get her back...and to not bother starting now that she is done. And finally that every time she's seen me since Nov. that I have been cold to her. The she starts to be nice and says that I have been though a lot this year and she knows she's making it a million times harder and she's sorry for the timing. We both just need to move on - we will both be better in the end. That I deserve better - someone who understands and admires me...and finally she's not keeping secrets she just doesn't want to flaunt it in y face....
I know I was totally inappropriate I'm not even going to try and say otherwise. I want to stop hurting and I cannot seem to detach enough. I honestly was in a good mood when I was coming home. She knew I what time I would be home and still she couldn't make sure she had dropped the dogs off before that and then followed me around the house after I asked her to leave several times. I did ask nice enough the first couple of times then she started with the, it's my house too routine and I just melted down.
I know this marriage is over. I'm working to accept it and not fight it. she's got a new person in her life..got it...I feel humiliated, scared and so alone. I want to be loved and love someone who appreciates our commitment together. My fear is that this will never be over even after the divorce and she will just keep on pulling me into her pain.
