Seattle - glad you dropped by - yes puppy is special - but almost not a puppy anymore - April 1 is it's birthday. I bought it for C as a wedding anniversary gift just before the bomb - If you read my thread just after the first of the month and the hot tub thing, I got the feeling then that she felt that puppy was the only one that really loved her. When we were doing the seperation papers I felt that this might be a good way to keep contact so I had her put it in that if anything happened to her then I would get puppy back rather than to her side of family. and then to make sure that puppy continued to know me I have visitation so that he will stay friendly with me.
C had a Chichuachua that she really loved that was hit by a car just before we met and I thought she would like another one - that gift did go over really well - just not enough to stop the bomb.
Well, yes it does seem like we had similar conversations, odga! You are really a wonderful model of support for your W. I can learn a lot from how you've handled things.
Love this about the pup. My H is a dog guy... I never had a dog in my life really until the puppy we got right before the bomb. My H told me before he picked up the pup "just let him into your heart and you will see what I mean about a dog". Oh, do I miss that pup a lot, too! He was right.
Well Folks - I believe it is time for a New Thread - Seems that my MLC/WAW has crawled into her cave for her withdrawal phase of her MLC. So my goal is to draw her out with unconditional love and friendship.
Thank You Laurie and DB Writer for responding...I haven't been posting for little while, but catching up on how Odga30120 is doing is so awesome. That's were I want to be...there are so many positives, so many..just the fact that C is initiating contact is such a huge step. Odga, you've definately to the "good feelings" C has for you. Now that's the Key! Time, Space and Patience will bring it together! Stay Positive!
As for my SIT, I continue to make strides for myself in letting go, forgiving her, in order to be her friend. 3 weeks ago, I visited her after going dark for 'bout 2 weeks. Unfortunately, I had over stayed my welcome..I asked about counseling, she said fine I'll go..but she was angry and asked me to leave. I knew then..I didn't use my head..I got anxious.
When I got back to the APT., I called..asked her if she could sense how frustrated I was in where things were at..she said no. I was surprised, but it was a positive that I was keeping my emotions in check during my visit(s).
Anyway, I asked if she was confused, she said yes. I should have left it alone, but I pressed and said..well if there's a OM I couldn't agree to a separation. She responded with "well then I guess it's over"..but then immediately there after she said, we shouldn't even be talking about this we're both emotional. So I agreed and hung up abrubtly.
I was upset, numb...I let it go and started breathing.
I called later in the week, apologized for how the conversation went..sorry it ended on a sour note. She said that was okay. I ended the conversation...kept it upbeat and pleasant.
Made it though the Valentine'sDay Weekend, and Lincoln's B.D....barely, but did. Didn't call, didn't send flowers..nothing.
I did call Tuesday, kept it short and sweet again..agreed that I should stop by the house on the weekend to see my Step-Son and pick up the mail. Only this time, I only stayed no longer than 20 minutes..stayed upbeat and pleasant...when I left she actually let me give her a hug...nothing to get excited 'bout. But evidence she still cares...that was good enough for me.
I called her back later, asked if it was time for us to talk...she said yes. So we agreed to meet for dinner one day this week. When I arrived in the office on Monday there was an email waiting for me from W. She asked about a Magazine Subscription (wanted to know if I paid it) and that she wanted to meet Wednesday night.
I called her, talked about the subscription and said sure Wednesday would be good! Of course, you must know that I got anxious..and I had to breath again....and go talk to my fellow DBer at Work (my Life Line and guidance counselor) I'm so Lucky!
We'll We had Dinner, long-story-short she says she wants a divorce (sigh). However, I expected that...and I also had a goal in mind and that was for us have a nice time together...guess what we Did! We really did! When she arrived, she ordered a Corona, while I was sipping on my Margarita..having chips and salsa (Chevy's). Anyway..got the small talk out of the way, but I remained upbeat, pleasant...agreed with everything..gave her no where to go in order to support her negative feelings.
When she said she wanted a divorce, I agreed instantly..said we should we're just too different. Surprisingly she responded "well there are lots of prospects out there" I agreed again. I know why she said that..because she know that I started moving on without her, letting go, taking on a "giving up attitude" so that I can truly approach this from being a friend perspective instead of being a demanding husband who wants his way, his way, his way. Which is so different from what she wants right now and thus avoiding a clash of wills. This is what has begun to allow her to feel good feelings about me bring her towards me.
After she said she wanted a divorce, this after I asked her if she had enough time to think about it and she said yes, then I asked her what she recommended next. She said contact Darrell(my attorney), I said okay, I had already done that and my appt. is Tuesday...she was very suprised! I said yes..I made the appt. when you said it was over 3 weeks ago..again, showing her that I'm letting go, moving on...agreeing with her. Good Stuff! I said I'll go and get a summary of what the numbers and obligations would be (by law - no compromises) she said if she didn't like what she saw then she was going to get her own attorney...I said Okay (Agreed again). However, I asked if we waited for the summary we could then look and work on negotiating from there.
In my mind I just want her to know that there's the stuff Lawyers will go after to protect me so that she could gain an appreciation when we negotiate. Again, I feel then that negotiating will put me in a positive light. She then told me she didn't know if she wanted the house, but I said I'd be willing to sign it over to her..no problem...I told her I don't need much...I could start over.
Trying to take the pressure off, and not appearing to be needy, desparate...demanding my own way. The time we spent talking about the business stuff only lasted about 15 minutes..the remaining hour was talking about everything else and definately no R talk! Yahoo! I did it!
When left the resturaunt, we went our separate ways..I gave her no hugh..just a friendly rub on the shoulder. She asked me to call her when I found out something...I said sure ..no problem. The whole time I'm really feeling good about our interaction. Believe it or not, that was our first going out to Dinner, in 2.5 months! So even though it was to talk about Divorce, I feel it was a step forward.
I called her in the morning, it was brief, but one our large pine trees was up rooted and fell over knocking down part of our fence and sitting on our gazebo. I told her that I'd stop by the house after work to check it out and she said okay.
My intention was to get there and gone before she arrived home, but that didn't happen, when she saw my truck in the driveway...she decided to drive by instead of stopping. I saw her, don't know if she saw me...I was hurt as I was leaving and wondering why she just didn't stop and say Hi...this part I don't undestand. But a fellow DB'er told me that her emotions are still all over the place...
Bwriter, Thanks so much for your kind response. I've been going through this since the first week in December. My heart has been broken, before finding out about this website..I was headed straight to my attorney's office.
I'm still headed that way as my W has asked for a D ..but I'm still going to be her friend, actually I want to be her truest friend! Believe me I wasn't in that frame of mind in December. But the alternative is not good. If I allow how she hurts me to consume me then anger,desparatness, needing, anxiousness, selfishness, etc. will close the door forever.
Regardless of what she says...she's confused! She's hurting, She's in pain..I want to help her through this, be there. I've had to put my own happiness on the shelf for awhile...a year, maybe two years...who knows.
But our relationship is now being redefined...so just like any new relationship..it starts out as friends FIRST! then grows from there...I'm really learning to LET GO..it's not easy...I have to LET GO every morning when I wake and then go seek encouragement from friends and this website who will lift my spirits!
Your W moving out...don't be discouraged...she needs time and space. It may feel permanent, hopeless, but don't worry about that. If you don't LET her do this..you won't have a chance!
You'll get there! Let me know how you're doing.Take Care!
Good morning RDJ - Thanis for visiting my thread - I think it is good that you can now have plesant talks w/ your W even if it is about the D. I wonder though, that if you do not want the D, WHY are you the one to see the Attorney and get it started? JMTCW but if you do not want the D then let your W know that while you acknowledge that there are many problems w/ the R (problems that can be discussed and worked on later- not now) you still feel that D is not the answer. If W wants to Seperate and regroup so to speak then ok - but if she feels that the D is the only way then let her do the D. Several others on the Board have made that mistake and are still regretting it.
Also I feel that you have many interesting points to your sit that I might not be really able to respond to. I have noticed that you do not seem to have a thread of your own but rather just post a little here and a little there. I think that you will get many more responses to your Sit if you post all of what you put here on a thread of your own, maybe in newcomers.
just open the newcomers forum and hit the POST tab, pick your thread title and then post. You will get lots of really grerat replys.
Of course having a thread of your own does not prevent you from reading and replying to our threads with your advice and support.
You have a great weekend and keep DBing. No R talks for now, just make every convo and contact w/ W very plesant and just be the YOU that she fell in love with.
Hi ODGA! Thanks for replying. Yes, regarding the D ..it is my W that says she wants it in which case I will let her do the work past what I find out from my attorney. I'm not going to have any D Papers drawn up to sign. I wil share the information, but definately tell her that if she wants this she'll have to do it...I don't want any regrets. It'll be interesting to see if she'll actually follow through. Either way I have nothing to loose, I still prefer her , but don't neeed her. I miss her, but I'll be fine either way...it'll just take time.
I will also start my own thread. It'll be cool to see the responses..thanks so much for letting me get started on yours!
Hi DB, Thanks for your response. I'm encouraged! And to put things into perspective...I don't feel Awesome..I still struggle especially when my W continues to hurt me (either intentionally, or not).
Being her friend is a decision. It's definately not what I prefer because I want more...but it's consistent with 1) being the man she first fell in love with 2) building a friendship or in our cases re-building the relationship.
As Laurie stated...taking the path of least resistance is the key and the opportunity. So neither of us really have another choice at this point if we want to bring our WAWs towards us, instead of pushing them away.
When you think in the context of being her friend, you detach lovingly. You can show empathy, you listen better and you don't make demands...just as it was when you and your W were first dating.
When you do this and "Act as IF" then you don't come across as being NEEDY and when you're not NEEDY, then you don't show anger, appear or sound desparate, frustrated, unhappy, etc. and so you take all the pressure off of her.
This is your single most important mission..taking the Pressure off your W. Combine that with Space and Patience and you have a good chance at reconciliation.
This is not a compromise, or does it mean that you are giving your W permission, or agreeing you approve of her WA and this is definately not a sign of weakness on your part. Instead, it is demonstrating to your W(as she is crying out to you for help) that you really do care for and love her enough to give her what she needs inspite of how much it is hurting you.(Laurie? How did I do?).
Be her friend AGAIN DB! Hang in there! I'll be looking for you...
