Up in the air, LONG

[Demoted26]

H got up talkative this morning. Upset he
didn't get laid off, he's "done" with this job (they are really making life hard for no reason other than the new boss doesn't like him).
Funny, its like he's "done" with our marriage too.

If you are so miserable , then why not DO SOMETHING to create a change(lol, at myself since I'm sitting here miserable waiting on him to decide what happens...I know, I know)?
Not that I WANT him to push for D, that's not what I mean!! He's a procrastinator... It'so like he expects things to change without effort. He actually told mer that late last year... "you shouldn't have to WORK at having a happy marriage". Like happiness just happens & the world is sunshine & rainbows all the time? Ha! I wish. We never had it easy, there was always some sort of stress/setback we faced (money, health, death, accidents...you know, life).
You have to work at EVERYTHING in life to keep it flowing.

I got to hear how the man who can not ever set foot in a grocery store when around me, now goes daily to the store to buy food to make for dinner/treats for his buddy's kids when he stays over there. Can't help it, that made me jealous. He never did that for me & HIS own kids when they were younger.

I got to hear all about how nice it is to ride with his EA bi gal pal (that WAS cooling, but its picking up again lately?), how it makes the long ride more interesting. Her & her W were doing a gay pride parade this weekend. H is so much more accepting now (good), but its strange...he's so different from the person I thought I knew.

H also talked about wishing our S would make an effort to visit & do things with him. They live in the same town weekdays (when H stays at his Moms anyway), about 10 from eachother. S had seen him 3-4 times there, since Oct.
H wants to meet with him 2x a week; movies, bowling, pool, fishing, etc.
H rarely did those things with the kids up to this point...now that he needs them for entertainment, he expects this to happen? Seriously? Plus, they are mad at him (as far as I can tell) for bailing on the marriage. S had never said this to me directly & has distanced from us both (still friendly & visits with us both at the house here for special occasions)...D is straight up ANGRY. At him, frustrated with me. She wants me to move on. Doesn't understand how hard that will be. Hell, even I fear it deeply, but don't KNOW .

H was not a bad dad, but he worked a LOT (forced workaholic, job required OT...10+ hour days, 6-7 days a week for years. Now he's cut back to 40 hours a week). The kids are older, they started living their lives for themselves. They are both single, not dating, but they still have their own personal preferences on how to spend time outside work. Both kids are computer "geeks" homebodies. H was a homebody before too. Now its go, go, go...unless he's HERE at home. Probably a comfort thing.

I'm glad he has money to go do all these things he wants to with S.
I'm trying to survive off $40 a week he can spare for my food , personal care items,& "entertainment". We are stretched beyond thin financially due to his work relocation & bills.

H mentioned maybe having to sell the house (I know, probably will if he hets laird off). I literally have no where to go & have 3 LARGE dogs (all on the breed bam list) who are like my kids (basically my closest family members besides my kids...who have distanced from me as well, after the BD). I fear I'm going to lose the dogs who are essentially my closest companions, my home, my family, everything.
I will be homeless, as we would be LUCKY to break even if we sell.

If Hs laid off, I will have no income coming in, I'd imagine alimony would be a joke at that point. I wonder how long I will survive, literally, without meds for my ailments if I wind up in that position. Not to mention I have no idea how to survive on the streets...I was fortunate enough to this point to have my dad, then H provide well for me.
Its a scary prospect. And so hurtful that H makes this decision & takes my life to this level with it.
I'm still job searching, so far, no luck. Our area is hit very hard with housing/unemployment...but I hear thats supposed to be picking up.