And as far as admitting there is something wrong with him, well, he has already admitted there is something wrong with him. Not that he's doing anything to fix it. I feel like there is such a complicated web of deceit that has been spun with H and OW. Not only would he have to admit HE was wrong, but he would have to admit that this messed up crazy woman he put on a pedestal and almost threw away everything for really f-ed me over too.
Wow. That's a TALL order.
That is a very tall order. Not an impossible one, though.
As you know, my xh and I have had conversations regarding his affair. While he is still in the tunnel, he has peeked out. And it is then that we have had these talks. He initiates and you know me, I tells it like I sees it. And so, I had asked him about all that. Did he feel guilty at the time? Did he realize something was wrong (and still is - LOL!), did he realize what he was losing? Now we have established that the cuckoo was out of the clock and still is, I happen to think he was being as sincere as he could be.
He said, yes, he knew something was wrong. He didnt know what, just that he felt like he was losing his mind. He felt confused, lost, unhappy. It scared him. But it never occured to him that it was internal. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but, was able to justify it in his head. He felt like life was going by so fast and passing him. I asked, did he really think that ow was the answer? Did he think he was going to ride off into the sunset with her? He said at first he did. He felt better, he thought, because he could put all his energy into the affair and not have to think about what was really wrong. He was running away from himself. And then when he began to realize she was not the answer, he had invested so much time, had made too much of a mess, and was still feeling so lost that he just kept going. I asked how it eventually ended. He said, uR, do you really have to ask that? She was who she was. Still the same person from 30 years ago. Still a mess, still unstable. He said, I just felt there was no turning back. He said after it ended he still felt lost. He still hadnt realized it was him. So, he convinced himself that he had to find out if he could ever be happy. And then he said one of the saddest things. He said he doesnt think he will ever be happy. He doesnt think he is meant to be.
I shared this with you so you can see that your h in such turmoil. And that though he knows it is wrong, he is still in crisis and has to see it through. He has to see that this is not the answer. But in order to do that, he has to be ready to look within as that is the only way to fully begin the climb out. He is moving through this, T. He is. He's not quite there yet.
T, you know if you dont have a big enough shovel, I can get in a car and be there to help you anytime. But, I think you got this.
Checked bank account, and as promised, there was a check from our employer deposited today to cover his vacation expenses.
So glad that he followed through on that, T. Says a lot, really.
Right now, I'm hanging with two little boys watching "Wreck-it-Ralph". Then we're making indoor s'mores then hopefully bed - it's already WAY past their bedtime!
Wish me luck!
Oh boy, you are going to have a loooonnnngggg nite. LOL!
