I've been keeping it pretty underwraps about the amount of communication between my x and I. My best friend thinks that I should have absolutely no contact with my x and that a friendship isn't possible because there is just too much history there.
My best friend also believes x (or any woman) is NOT God's best for me. It's never really been an issue between us... it's just sometimes I think her advice is slightly jaded because of that.
I continue to listen to her advice.. and know she loves me deeply. It's just hard to be at different sides about this thing... especially when I feel like I am in uncharted territory.
X continues to contact me this week. Once about a bill and another about some of the people from our past. She is in her amends stage and she is reaching out to my 1st girlfriend.
TBH - I'm really struggling with this whole thing. On the one end, one can argue that it's not my place to help my x.. and that is true. We are divorced and other than our weekly txts, aren't really a part of each other's lives. This is a choice she made. This, one can say, is a consequence of her actions.
But OTOH - making amends is helping her heal. It's healing the hearts of others. How can I turn my back away from that? To purposely rob others of the potential peace that I felt when she made amends to me... just doesn't feel right.
So I helped her out.. and even took the extra step to find some people for her. Yes I did it for her. Yes I did it for them. I do not know if that was DBing, but I do know that what God wants me to do.. so guess he wins on this one.
I continue to hope that I am doing the right thing. It's definitely not all puppies and roses....
... there have been days when I cry about it. Sometimes this feels like a test. But I'm not sure for what.
A test on If I will break and will not be able to swallow my fear to love her like a friend...
OR
a test of if I have truly broken my co-dependency. Will I break and not set boundaries for myself to protect my heart.. because I'm afraid I won't be loving her well.
I don't know which. I only know that at this point... I STILL have no regrets in all of my decisions thus far.
So I let the pendulum of my heart continue to swing. I hope to slows or makes up it's mind soon.
Because in some ways, I feel done. I was moving on and living life and I am not certain I can do that with X in my life. I know that I am strong enough... but I also know that I am not healed enough.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
