Is it too soon to give up hope?

[25yearsmlc]

I absolutely understand that things would be much better if I could make myself more financially stable. THIS is my primary focus and I work on it from many angles everyday. I am in good physical shape, I have lots of good friends, I have a life. The one thing at could still be improved is my financial stability. So my 180s are all about trying new things to generate income or land a better job.

I understand this^^. But didn't you say intimacy was also a problem that seemed to be growing recently? Some of her comments suggest her fear that her needs will not be met. That's why I mention that even if a man has ED (and I realize you are not there yet AND OR you can get treated for it if you are) there are other ways to please a woman.

I think it's fair for a woman to know her needs will be met or her partner will try to, even if it's not all going to work out for him. Do I need to be more graphic? Hope not...

my point is not to solely focus on one area when more than one have been mentioned. I DO see a relationship between them all however. IT's you being the "Strong One" and the provider, even if she earns more...the concept of her feeling secure and taken care of, applies in more than one way.

The business I am starting will be in addition to everything else that I am doing and will be like a hobby for me. It should generate a positive income flow pretty quickly and will help supplement my other work.

I have two teenage kids... a 16 year old daughter and a 14 year old son. Both are from a previous marriage. They live with me 50% of the time. I have tried to talk to them about the absence of their stepmom and they say they don't care and think I should move on.

That ^^ would great sadden me, and concern me about how they view marital relationships and family life. What were you like after your first divorce?

It has been difficult to get them to open up, but I know they are hurting a little.


My guess is they are hurting more than a little. A lot more.

I do my best to be a great dad to my kids. My wife has two sons from her previous marriage. They are 24 and 22. My daughter and 22 year old stepson still communicate through Facebook.

When my wife left she cut all ties with my kids and everyone else in my family. My sister has tried to keep in touch with my wife and has been reaching out quite a bit. My sister and my wife may be having lunch soon. I don't know if that is a good thing


it's not a bad thing, unless your sister takes it upon herself to fix your marriage or urge your w to come home. The best thing your sister can do is talk in an upbeat way about you, & how "Even though you will always love w, you are now DOING 'x' and 'y' GAL, and staying busy with your work and new job(s), etc..."
Just reinforcing the changes you are making BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO MAKE THEM, not to get her back, but b/c you needed to. So in "some ways this has been good for him to focus on HIS career and other interests..."??


My situation, likes everyone's, is unique. I definitely could have been a better husband. This originally led me to believe that I was in a classic WAW situation. However my wife's actions since leaving leads me to believe that she is in a midlife crisis.

NOOOOOO!!

Please please do NOT go down this road of "MLC vs WAW". It does not matter b/c it does NOT change your course of action. Let me repeat that for emphasis.

Your course of action is the same regardless of what label you want to use.

I used the term in my sitch, somewhat to my regret, but I had no other term for my h wanting/insisting/obsessing about living in Alaska, as we had done it in the 90s and it sukked for all of us BUT him...

I spent way too much time wondering about what My h was going thru or what he was thinking/doing/planning/feeling.

Do NOT repeat my mistake.

ALL That time and energy ought to have been on ME and my kids and my new life.

PLUS, *** when I finally did work on ME and mine, and detached from what my h was doing, operating under the assumption that the m was over and I was done...h woke up.***

Took him a year to get me to reconcile and THEN we did Retrovaille...but like I said, I let him go and stopped working on him (Which was totally useless and wasteful) and I worked on me.

I had some anger issues and other things I had to own and repair. I am a better partner and mother now, than before.

You do have issues as a h. Do NOT gloss over that.

You had a breadwinner wife (itself a problem for many women AND many men) and she did not get a full time "wife" from you in return. You let a lot of things slide and it sounded to me as if you were (or appeared to be) depressed.

She still had to cook or clean some, and she supported you and YOUR kids by earning so much more than you did...that's not a position of strength as a h.

And you had some intimacy issues. You did not get that treated so in effect, perhaps it appeared to her that she was either not attractive enough to you OR

you simply did not value her needs being met, enough to get your problem. treated.

IMO, She did not see you as the leader of the family. She did not see you as an equal in the marriage. She eventually came to see you only as a friend.

SHE may have issues of her own coming up. I agree. But you are not off the hook.And it's not your job to fix her.

By labeling her behavior as MLC, you may be deflecting from work you very much need to do, on YOURSELF.

And you are all you control. Focussing energy on HER, is energy you ought to be spending on you and your children...

You cannot change her. You cannot fix her. But you have your own repair work to do. The fact that you poo poo your shortcomings, concerns me a lot.

I cannot over stress the importance of attraction. Women do not feel attracted to men they don't respect. They MIGHT sleep with them, but they won't marry them.

You need to regain her respect financially, sexually, spiritually and emotionally. Maybe Sandi can say this another way. She was a WAW.


Her behavior has completely changed and she is being self destructive. I know that there is a lot of drinking and she mentioned some drugs as well, and I imagine lots of sex. I don't know for sure about the sex, but she talked to me about purchasing items at an adult book store. She was trying to explain to me that she is too wild for me and at I could not handle the "real" her. It was as if she was trying to shock me into not liking her. It was also her way of taking some of the blame for the failed relationship. Basically saying we are two different people.


Stop the mind reading. IT gets you nowhere and your spin on it, is NOT mine at all. So don't bother with it.

Ever hear the oft repeated phrase here, "Believe NONE of what they say and only half of what they do"??? Remember it now.

I really appreciate all the input I get from many sources about my situation.


No problem. But please pick ONE approach and stick with it til you have given it a fair chance. Too many people, usually men for some reason, think a shotgun "do it ALL" approach is better.

But it's not. It's confusing and you want your w to see consistent changes in you. Plus some approaches actually conflict with each other.

Consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

Your w will not likely return to the marriage you had.
So

you need to get her to see that marriage to you now, & from this day forward,

would be better/different than before.

What are you DOING to show that? (Not in words...actions...)??


I met a female friend (strictly friends) from another forum like this one. We are in similar situations and give each other a lot of advice. That relationship helps me a lot.