The W is not giving me much food for thought R wise. So my 180's seem to be self imposed based on what I think I could change. We have had arguments, about 3 good ones in last 2.5 months. One was when she dropped the EA bomb on me. Another was when we got home from spending the weekend at a soccer tournament where the OM and his family was present. The last was about 2 weeks ago when the W had to interact with the OM for soccer tryouts for next year. My C mentioned that these are part of a kind of PTSD, where it will trigger a reaction. I believe I have controlled this very well, but the times I don't it gets ugly. This is the time she decides to say, "see this is why I'm doing this". With the emotions I am dealing with and the situation, the fact that I don't react more is a miracle sometimes. It's a struggle to keep the "i'm happy if your happy" face on all the time. That may be an unfair comment, but I fight to not show the hurt and to act as if.
I got the same responses, but from reading your sitch, you haven't reacted nearly as bad as I have in the past. You're doing better than I could have ever hoped for. You just have to work on your detachment a little, and become a professional at "acting as if". Be positive. Be upbeat. Engage her when the opertunity presents itself, but stay detached.
Steve, remember this. You are not "happy if she is happy". You will be happy REGARDLESS of her! Your detachment needs to be second nature and it needs to be legit. When you get there, her emotions will no longer effect your emotions. However while you are working on that, you need to "fake it until you make it". That is where the act as if comes into play, and it needs to be consistent. You can't be great for days or even weeks and then drop the ball, because that puts her right back into thinking, "that is ecxactly why I am leaving". Don't give her that opertunity....ever!.
It is really hard for anyone, a WAS included, to leave a very happy, upbeat and positive person. HOWEVER, a person that makes you feel guilty, alienated or conflictual is very easy to run away from. Remember this when you engage your W.
Originally Posted By: steveh27
We don't really have any conversations prior to sleep except small talk about a tv show or the kids. Lately it has been about apartments and house buying and making sure the kids stay in their respective schools the following year. Last night I came home from a late meeting with business partners of mine (8:00 or so). I was fine but a little quiet. I really didn't feel in a bad mood but not really in a great one either. I'm laying in bed and she goes, "you seem to be in a bad mood. I can sleep downstairs if you need space." I reacted a little bit but not bad. I just said to stop insinuating I'm in a bad mood. I just had a long day and was thinking about some things. I was only being quiet and not making extra conversation with her which I have been working on. In hindsight, I need to just say "no i'm fine" ... and leave it.
No, what you need to do is portray yourself in a happier light. You don't need to correct her opinions. Obviously, she saw something in you that made her think that you were in a bad mood. It was so bad, she mentioned it and offered to give you space. Try seeing it from her perspective. Was it your body language? Was it the tone in your voice? Was it your words or actions? Figure it out and don't do it anymore.
When you are having discussions, about ANYTHING, it presents you with an opertunity to be upbeat and light hearted. Don't strive for equality. Be positive regardless of how she is acting. Don't go tit for tat because that will push her away so fast it isn't even funny.Remember, she wants away from you now. Don't give her any extra fuel to get there. Show her your good side....every single time you engage her. Be someone that is fun to interact with, not the bitter soon to be EX, because If you act like that guy, you will become that guy.
Are you validating her when she brings up the kids, apartments, schooling? I ask, because those things would probably anger me to discuss. I imagine they make you feel the same way. My personal intuition would be to point out how wrong it is, how hurtful. However, you need to look at it with a DB mindset. Be on her team. Be supportive. Validate her feelings. Give her some good words of affirmation.
Originally Posted By: steveh27
For those that don't know, the W's OM is a married man that ours sons play soccer together. They have not really been talking or seeing each other as far I as I've noticed ... as he said he has been working on his marriage and doing MC. I know they do talk occasionally as my W has mentioned but nothing more. Again only from what I can assume, which could be totally wrong.
DB 101: believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Don't assume anything. You will drive yourself crazy, because your LBS mindset will default right to the negative scenarios. That was SOOO hard for me to tackle, and it still is. assuming, building scenarios, mind reading, all of that makes you nutty and often times is completely off base. Don't do it anymore!
Originally Posted By: steveh27
So we have a soccer picnic coming up this weekend. Should be another awesome (aka awkward) rip roaring good time. Families are bringing supplemental dishes to help with the food. I found it quite humorous that the OM's dish was very complimentary to our dish we are bringing. My 180 for myself has been to stop thinking about the OM dynamic anymore. This is the hardest part for me for obvious reasons, but I know I need to do it for my own PMA.
That is great you are going to implement that 180!
MAKE this get together a good time! Enjoy yourself! Step up your PMA! Try as hard as you can to just pretend everything is normal in your marriage and act the way you would during any other occasion. Don't focus on your marriage. Don't focus on your wife. Focus on a great party that is about the kids! It's tough, but try.....ACT AS IF.
Your 180 is going to be important. You need to stop the scenarios! Trust me. I know. I am the kind of scenario building. But ask youself, "Who cares what dish they brought?". For all you know, it was a coinsidence....maybe it wasn't....but BFD! It means nothing. Don't build it into something that it is not, especially when you have no clue about "who, what, when, where or why". Stop assuming! You're going to drive yourself crazy, and that craziness is going to come to the surface. Picture that craziness from your Wifes perspective. Building imaginary scenarios and mind reading WILL come through in your body language, words and actions.She will see it...perhaps that is what she saw when she asked you if you were in a bad mood....think about that for a bit.
