Not New to This Anymore

[steveh27]

Well it looks like my original thread may have been locked.

Here is my original:
My Original Thread - New to This

I am supposed to meet with the mediator along with the W today. I am not feeling very "amicable" and mentioned to her to reschedule. She did not ... which is fine for her. I really am struggling with making this easy for her. I am still waffling between this anger and acceptance. I know it may be "easier" to just go and get it over with. Financially it would be wiser to just spend the 2.5k to make everything go away quicker. But I'm really fighting the urges to not make things easy. It's a bit tit for tat I know but do I really want hope for a future R with her.

I'm hurt and feeling sorry for myself a bit today. It seems I have a good couple of days of looking to the future and seeing things clear, then days like this where I cant see the forest through the trees. Clarity is not my friend as of late.

Unfortunately it seems I picked up the stupid rope again and I'm hanging on for dear life.

[Tallula]

STEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big Hugs! Your wife is really pushing this fast. I hope maybe the mediator can slow her down. But, it's normal to feel this way. Geez, it's only been almost 2 months since BD, give yourself a break. That was my toughest thing. Giving ME a break. I would get so mad at myself for each little backslide or feeling.

Try to remember, feelings don't have to turn into action. You can calmly state that this is not what you want. That you do not want a D at this time. Others may have a better suggestion.

We have really good friends who D'd and remarried a few years later. It was the wife, she rushed it. No A, but it does happen.

[SFC_Swede]

Steve...I feel you brother. My W is running toward D about as fast a yours. About the only thing that slowed things down for me was completely detaching, and laying out for her what D really would mean for her and my SS. I at least was able to buy time...and as far as I know, she hasnt filed the paperwork yet that I saw two weeks ago.

I too waffle from the Rock of Gibraltar to hand wringing sissy at times. Some days are better than others. I think it goes with the territory, especially when the sitch is so one sided. The WAS is content to move on, and the LBS is left holding the emotional bag.

Hang in there brother. Breathe, and stay calm.

[steveh27]

Thanks Sarge and Tallula - Yeah the W is pushing this fast. She ended up going to the mediation w/o me and brought home all the paperwork. I will most likely go to the next one to ask some questions, but I certainly don't want any of this work or help for that matter. I have come to the reality that this is the way its going to be. I looked at apartments yesterday online in the area and started thinking logistically how to handle the kids with school and splitting time.

I have brought my mental state to a point where I dont know who she is or where she went. It's the only thing I can explain and comprehend to myself right now. So I'm just giving in and letting her go. The fight is not in me as if I fight anymore I'm just going to end up hurting more. I have went to a survival mode if you will and since she decided to start thinking of only herself about 4 months ago, its time I get myself up to speed to this thinking.

I have a friends Bachelor party tonight. I said to the W that she needed to take S14 to his 8:00pm baseball game. And she said "and where are you going". I just said I have to go out. She asked if I took care of who would watch the girls. I said no, but it didn't matter when you went out 3 nights in a row and I didnt give you a hard time. She could care less where Im going. We have been "chippy" the last couple days with little remarks, so it was just more of the same. I went upstairs to get ready for work.

I came back down and said I have 30 min before going to work and I asked if she wanted to go over the mediation worksheets productively. She said do you promise to do this nicely. I said sure if you are able to also with out making comments. So we actually did make it 30 min working through alot of the custody schedule and support/maintenance and such. She is being gracious on her maintenance as far as I know. Although the child support is staying the same even though we are sharing 50/50. So not sure if that is her way of saying she is giving me a break but hiding the extra back in the child support for joint custody.

[steveh27]

just some catching up.

No change here ... needed to take some time and gather my thoughts outside of these forums. Still living together, haven't told the kids yet (waiting for school to be over this week), still sleeping in same bed. We have been extremely nice with one another as of late, but again nothing has changed from her standpoint of moving forward with the D. We had mediation last week, and she made mention at the end of my extreme calmness and willingness to work amicably. We went to the diner after and had a good talk. I did slip and make mention of the OM. I asked her to at least think carefully about having anything to do with him for obvious reasons (he's married and working through MC). I told her she is a beautiful women who could do so much better and I would want better for her in the future and for the kids. Yes, I stepped over my bounds with that and I apologized for it shortly after and she accepted.

I do not believe she has had much contact with him since the BD, but I think she is possibly being respectful (yeah that hurts saying that word) until the papers are signed. Not sure. She doesn't go out at all, and during the day the S14 has been home except for exam days, so she doesn't get much opportunity anyway. She also tends to tell me where ever she goes during the day, not that I ask.

We haven't had an argument or "unkind" words in a couple weeks about the sitch. We actually are helping each other with finding new places when we sell the house. I'm proud of myself for taking the high road on this. Does it hurt some days ... yes absolutely.
Although I need to do better on detaching and not INITIATING contact. This is crucial right now. She trusts who I am and has noticed positive changes in me, besides just being in great shape (work out almost 2x/day now, running 20-25 mi wk) which she makes comment almost every day about. It's hard living together and detaching or at least not initiating contact. We are trying to get the house ready to sell, so there are a lot of questions that come up as a result.

Lately I've been reading Crimson's sitch. Only half way through, but there is a lot of good help and information in those posts. Plus it's a bit inspiring if nothing else ... and I need that right now. I don't want false hope or expectations, but need something to keep my head up at times.

Had a nice Fathers Day yesterday. W got up early and grabbed breakfast and we sat and had some awesome danishes and bagels. She asked what I wanted to do for dinner. I had recommended a great summer place we go once or twice a year for pizza and steamers ... she seemed to be excited in that choice as did I and the kids. I worked out after the late breakfast and got my S14 to run with me. I have a treadmill and a bench in the basement and normally my D9 always come down with me. She loves doing gymnastics and doing flips and all kinds of moves I won't pretend to know the names off. It's nice to have the room for that now, and I know that will go away when we are forced into separate living conditions. I digress however.

Well just updating the sitch here. Thanks again for everyone's advice and support.

[steveh27]

All in all I think I have finally lost the anger in me about this. It wasn't helping anything except to get me through a rough patch. I would say it definitely put me behind in DB'ing and learning to move forward constructively. I will say the past couple of days have been hard because when I look at her I know she won't be around for much longer. This is yet another phase I know I am going through ... and it too will get easier - I hope.

Things I stopped doing:
- excessive housework, it wasnt working and it was obvious
- making unnecessary conversations to break the silence.
- asking her what she did today, now i ask how was your day.
- never on computer, this was a huge issue as it took time away from family.
- never text or call while at work unless about kids, which is rare.

Things I started doing:
- doing things around the house that "need" to be done. repairing things that will needed for house sale.
- trying to fill her love tank. once a day I thank her for something, it could be small but I make sure it's sincere.
- doing a lot more things with the kids besides their normal events (ie. sports) like games outside, bike rides etc.
- GAL is still tough with 3 kids and wanting to spend time with them. Will once or twice a week go do something to get out of the house for 3-4 hours though. shopping, bookstore etc.

A couple close friends have been away ... one on vacation and the other on his honeymoon, so it's been hard to get out unless by myself and that's no fun. Although this may be seen with pursuing by others on here, I kept myself busy last Fri and Sat restoring an old cedar hope chest from my W's mom who passed 2 years ago. It was in bad shape. It was all the way sanded down and was looking good before she got home on Friday. She saw it and teared up and said thank you. I could tell she was touched. I said I was going to stain it the original color and she agreed that it would look good. I spent some of Sat finishing up it looked good. Now did I do this to win brownie points and make a deposit in the love tank ... yes. But I also did this as it challenged me and needed to keep busy. She also made a comment earlier in the week that it would look good in her new place when that happened. The old me would've been like ... good luck with restoring that then and I'm not helping you move on with your life. Although, I am not really "helping" her move on - I'm not going to miss a chance at being genuinely nice. I am trying to not be a person who just thinks about himself anymore - this has not helped me in creating new friendships or nurturing current ones. And certainly didn't make any good points in my marriage.

[steveh27]

So we told kids last week. Worst day of my life. They took it hard. Although they have been busy with friends and activities to keep their mind off it. I think reality will set in when the W and I part ways.

I have stopped overly getting the house ready. I am doing things to organize, but it's more of a "looking busy". I don't want the W to think i'm dragging my feet, but I'm not looking to expedite the process either. In fairness, she has taken a real slow approach lately also on the house. She has been concentrating on finding apartments and I have been looking at houses to buy within our school district. Kind of a cart before the horse. Maybe we are just avoiding the hardwork and doing what is enjoyable (i use this word very loosely as its anything but) to keep our minds off our emotions.

It's really so surreal to me living this way right now. I have this women who i have known for 20 years sitting at the table with me looking at apartments and sharing house listings with me. I have shared half my life with her, full of memories, good and bad times, death of both of our parents, our children's births, great vacations. We are acting like we are brother and sister helping each other out.

We agreed back a month ago that when we told the kids, one would move out of the bedroom. The night we told them I went to bed earlier to watch the Bruins hockey game (<-- I dont want to talk about it, those who know the outcome of the stanley cup) and she comes in and says shes tired and just wants to crash. It was an emotionally exhausting day. I just said I don't mind and to just get some sleep. Well, those arrangements haven't changed. Not sure if it's the comfort of each other or the bed is just that good. We seem to be able to handle it though.

So not much to report. Just living a day at a time. Making future living arrangement plans. Doing stuff with the kids. I've been doing more GAL lately. My 2 close friends are back from their trips, so doing stuff with them a couple times a week. Looking to play some pickup soccer on Sundays, slowly to get back into a little bit more competitive leagues. Dreading cleaning the house and making piles of his and hers. I know it will be emotionally draining and I've been doing well with trying not to be in that state as of late, so avoiding those events like the plague. Unfortunately I cannot stick my head in the sand forever, which I really dont think I am outwardly. Still in protecting my heart mode though. Not easy.

[swoop]

Wow, Steve.

You are doing GREAT! I wish I could have put my head together so soon into my own sitch. It sounds like you have a great handle on your emotions. That will be a key part in effectively going through this process. Stay your course, remain calm, remain positive and let her see the man only a fool would leave.

Breaking the news to the kids is a really difficult thing to do. It makes the whole situation become so REAL. I had an extrememely hard time dealing with that...and I still do. Like you said, it is so surreal being across from somone you had known so deeply for so long and now you are interacting in a way that seems so unfamiliar. It's tough. It sounds like you handled it exceptionally well.


You have several things that I feel are extrememly positive in your sitch. First and foremost, is that your wife is still present and willing to interact with your. That provides you an excellent opertunity for her to see your 180's. Filling her love tank daily is also great. The only negative thing you mentioned is the score keeping. Remember, only you wish to keep this marriage alive at this point. Don't go tit for tat about anything! If you don't set the tone to improve the relationship, the relationship won't improve. Keep up the good work!!!

You mentioned that you both have been sleeping in the same bed, and that you both slept together the night you broke the news to your children. Is there any discussions prior to going to sleep? Are you still communicating? If so, are you really focusing on validation? Are you being the best listener you can possibly be? During these times, you need to have your ears and mind open. She will be providing you with the things you need to know. Listen to her feelings, validate them and then go make them part of your 180's.

What I have done in regards to the divorce proceddings is simply ignore it. Now, my situation is likely much different than your own, but there was a point in time that my W was also pushing hard for divorce. At first I was pushing forward as well. Then I realized I didn't want a divorce, so I just pulled back from it completely. I avoided all conversations about it. I never mentioned the word. I stopped discusssing anything to do with W or myself moving forward. I am not sure what ultimately caused it, but our divorce is seemingly on hold. My W has not moved forward an inch since I stopped being a part of the process....just something to think about, especially since your sitch is so very very fresh.

[steveh27]

Thanks SP for your support.

The W is not giving me much food for thought R wise. So my 180's seem to be self imposed based on what I think I could change. We have had arguments, about 3 good ones in last 2.5 months. One was when she dropped the EA bomb on me. Another was when we got home from spending the weekend at a soccer tournament where the OM and his family was present. The last was about 2 weeks ago when the W had to interact with the OM for soccer tryouts for next year. My C mentioned that these are part of a kind of PTSD, where it will trigger a reaction. I believe I have controlled this very well, but the times I don't it gets ugly. This is the time she decides to say, "see this is why I'm doing this". With the emotions I am dealing with and the situation, the fact that I don't react more is a miracle sometimes. It's a struggle to keep the "i'm happy if your happy" face on all the time. That may be an unfair comment, but I fight to not show the hurt and to act as if.

We don't really have any conversations prior to sleep except small talk about a tv show or the kids. Lately it has been about apartments and house buying and making sure the kids stay in their respective schools the following year. Last night I came home from a late meeting with business partners of mine (8:00 or so). I was fine but a little quiet. I really didn't feel in a bad mood but not really in a great one either. I'm laying in bed and she goes, "you seem to be in a bad mood. I can sleep downstairs if you need space." I reacted a little bit but not bad. I just said to stop insinuating I'm in a bad mood. I just had a long day and was thinking about some things. I was only being quiet and not making extra conversation with her which I have been working on. In hindsight, I need to just say "no i'm fine" ... and leave it.

For those that don't know, the W's OM is a married man that ours sons play soccer together. They have not really been talking or seeing each other as far I as I've noticed ... as he said he has been working on his marriage and doing MC. I know they do talk occasionally as my W has mentioned but nothing more. Again only from what I can assume, which could be totally wrong.

So we have a soccer picnic coming up this weekend. Should be another awesome (aka awkward) rip roaring good time. Families are bringing supplemental dishes to help with the food. I found it quite humorous that the OM's dish was very complimentary to our dish we are bringing. My 180 for myself has been to stop thinking about the OM dynamic anymore. This is the hardest part for me for obvious reasons, but I know I need to do it for my own PMA.

[swoop]

Thanks SP for your support.

The W is not giving me much food for thought R wise. So my 180's seem to be self imposed based on what I think I could change. We have had arguments, about 3 good ones in last 2.5 months. One was when she dropped the EA bomb on me. Another was when we got home from spending the weekend at a soccer tournament where the OM and his family was present. The last was about 2 weeks ago when the W had to interact with the OM for soccer tryouts for next year. My C mentioned that these are part of a kind of PTSD, where it will trigger a reaction. I believe I have controlled this very well, but the times I don't it gets ugly. This is the time she decides to say, "see this is why I'm doing this". With the emotions I am dealing with and the situation, the fact that I don't react more is a miracle sometimes. It's a struggle to keep the "i'm happy if your happy" face on all the time. That may be an unfair comment, but I fight to not show the hurt and to act as if.

I got the same responses, but from reading your sitch, you haven't reacted nearly as bad as I have in the past. You're doing better than I could have ever hoped for. You just have to work on your detachment a little, and become a professional at "acting as if". Be positive. Be upbeat. Engage her when the opertunity presents itself, but stay detached.

Steve, remember this. You are not "happy if she is happy". You will be happy REGARDLESS of her! Your detachment needs to be second nature and it needs to be legit. When you get there, her emotions will no longer effect your emotions. However while you are working on that, you need to "fake it until you make it". That is where the act as if comes into play, and it needs to be consistent. You can't be great for days or even weeks and then drop the ball, because that puts her right back into thinking, "that is ecxactly why I am leaving". Don't give her that opertunity....ever!.

It is really hard for anyone, a WAS included, to leave a very happy, upbeat and positive person. HOWEVER, a person that makes you feel guilty, alienated or conflictual is very easy to run away from. Remember this when you engage your W.

We don't really have any conversations prior to sleep except small talk about a tv show or the kids. Lately it has been about apartments and house buying and making sure the kids stay in their respective schools the following year. Last night I came home from a late meeting with business partners of mine (8:00 or so). I was fine but a little quiet. I really didn't feel in a bad mood but not really in a great one either. I'm laying in bed and she goes, "you seem to be in a bad mood. I can sleep downstairs if you need space." I reacted a little bit but not bad. I just said to stop insinuating I'm in a bad mood. I just had a long day and was thinking about some things. I was only being quiet and not making extra conversation with her which I have been working on. In hindsight, I need to just say "no i'm fine" ... and leave it.

No, what you need to do is portray yourself in a happier light. You don't need to correct her opinions. Obviously, she saw something in you that made her think that you were in a bad mood. It was so bad, she mentioned it and offered to give you space. Try seeing it from her perspective. Was it your body language? Was it the tone in your voice? Was it your words or actions? Figure it out and don't do it anymore.

When you are having discussions, about ANYTHING, it presents you with an opertunity to be upbeat and light hearted. Don't strive for equality. Be positive regardless of how she is acting. Don't go tit for tat because that will push her away so fast it isn't even funny.Remember, she wants away from you now. Don't give her any extra fuel to get there. Show her your good side....every single time you engage her. Be someone that is fun to interact with, not the bitter soon to be EX, because If you act like that guy, you will become that guy.

Are you validating her when she brings up the kids, apartments, schooling? I ask, because those things would probably anger me to discuss. I imagine they make you feel the same way. My personal intuition would be to point out how wrong it is, how hurtful. However, you need to look at it with a DB mindset. Be on her team. Be supportive. Validate her feelings. Give her some good words of affirmation.

For those that don't know, the W's OM is a married man that ours sons play soccer together. They have not really been talking or seeing each other as far I as I've noticed ... as he said he has been working on his marriage and doing MC. I know they do talk occasionally as my W has mentioned but nothing more. Again only from what I can assume, which could be totally wrong.

DB 101: believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Don't assume anything. You will drive yourself crazy, because your LBS mindset will default right to the negative scenarios. That was SOOO hard for me to tackle, and it still is. assuming, building scenarios, mind reading, all of that makes you nutty and often times is completely off base. Don't do it anymore!

So we have a soccer picnic coming up this weekend. Should be another awesome (aka awkward) rip roaring good time. Families are bringing supplemental dishes to help with the food. I found it quite humorous that the OM's dish was very complimentary to our dish we are bringing. My 180 for myself has been to stop thinking about the OM dynamic anymore. This is the hardest part for me for obvious reasons, but I know I need to do it for my own PMA.

That is great you are going to implement that 180!

MAKE this get together a good time! Enjoy yourself! Step up your PMA! Try as hard as you can to just pretend everything is normal in your marriage and act the way you would during any other occasion. Don't focus on your marriage. Don't focus on your wife. Focus on a great party that is about the kids! It's tough, but try.....ACT AS IF.

Your 180 is going to be important. You need to stop the scenarios! Trust me. I know. I am the kind of scenario building. But ask youself, "Who cares what dish they brought?". For all you know, it was a coinsidence....maybe it wasn't....but BFD! It means nothing. Don't build it into something that it is not, especially when you have no clue about "who, what, when, where or why". Stop assuming! You're going to drive yourself crazy, and that craziness is going to come to the surface. Picture that craziness from your Wifes perspective. Building imaginary scenarios and mind reading WILL come through in your body language, words and actions.She will see it...perhaps that is what she saw when she asked you if you were in a bad mood....think about that for a bit.