Not confused...moving towards acceptance

[BRNR]

Hello! Just releasing some emotional baggage before I start my single life weekend. Boys are with H.

I am feeling weird today. I really don't know how to describe it. I guess I will touch on the "things" that I feel weird about about. Maybe that will help me through...

The civil actions - H has not even mentioned these. I wonder if because he hasn't seen them or if he has and just couldn't give two flipping fvcks about them. I don't know, but I was prepared for the raging animal to let loose by the weeks end here and I didn't get that. I am taking the quiet for what it is...definitely better than spew.

Money - H has not brought up anything in regards to his lack of contributing to our marital debt this month ... at all. But interestingly, due to me lacking funds to pay EVERYTHING, he went ahead and paid some of our joint debt yesterday. Didn't make mention of this either, but I have access to the account and found out they were paid. Weird.

Love - I am in a bind on this one. I am not sure how I feel anymore. Do I love him still? My mind is telling me yes...I mean I am writing on these boards, DB'ing with my best effort, speaking softly to H, doing the "eye connection" thing, and keeping all the loving memories of our relationship in the fore front, but I just don't know if I love him anymore. Maybe this is the start of something...

Contact - H and I still don't have contact other than kid exchange. I try to make the most of these. Keep it light and positive. this is becoming really natural though, and I wonder if our interactions will ever be anything more than this. It svcks. I don't know if I can continue this for the next 8 years until my kids are grown.

In other news, a couple of points I want to make.

Car seat for OWD is still firmly planted in the car. It doesn't bother me anymore, like when I first saw, and in fact gives me a chuckle. The mere thought of starting life over taking care of a young child like that seems exhausting to me. But maybe he is that much in "love" that he doesn't mind starting over and raising another child. Makes me mad though when he can't even financially support his own. Ugh!

Text exchange this morning. First one in awhile. I sent H a Thank you text for saying he would pick up S10 today and told him to have a great weekend with the boys. He did respond a few hours later with a "Have a great weekend too!". Honestly, I was surprised he responded.

I took boys to the local park this past weekend to play basketball. Apparently S14 mentioned it to H. S14 and H are spending the day together and H is taking S14 to play some more. Last night H asked me "where did we go to play, how were the courts, etc., etc." It was weird for me. I did tell him and shared a highlight of when me and the boys were there and how much fun we had. It was a positive conversation, but weird.

Some things I have been too busy to mention.

Last week S14 had an eigth grade graduation ceremony. It was nice and S14 even won a special award that night. I sat in the middle of S9 and H. Yes, sitting next to H. We talked, shared a laugh or two. My phone was going off a couple of times and I chuckled internally a couple of times, wondering what H thought, but I saw no reaction. On the way out of the ceremony though, H put his hand on the small of my back, the escorting gesture he would have done under normal circumstances when leaving, I felt it, and he immediately realized and moved his hand. But it was there. Neither of us commented or reacted and really pretended like it never happened.

H called last week and asked me how I would feel if he didn't take S10 to MMA class. This is new. He either usually does or doesn't. Never really ask me. I told him how I felt, but that it was his night and ultimately his decision. I also thanked him for being considerate enough to ask me. Again another oddity.

Okay...here is where I am prepared to be smacked silly. A couple of weekends ago I went to a local hardware store to get some items to fix some odds and ends around the house. Those places are always so confusing to find stuff and a very attractive worker offered to help me. He took me where I needed to go and pretty much was doing his job...until I realized that he was actually flirting with me. I have been so oblivious to other males since I was married, that it took me at least five minutes to figure out that he was. We ended by me giving him my number. I don't know what I was thinking, but he said he would call. I guess I was so flattered with the attention that I couldn't help it. Well two days later he texted and then we started to email the next day. Finally he asked if I was dating or married or anything and I was kinda honest and said "Divorcing". Only to find out that he had a long term girlfriend. I wrapped that up really quick. I was very upset that here was another guy, flirting with me, and contacting me, when he had someone. It made me angry, especially since it seemed there was a spark there. But I could never be an OW. Especially since that is a part of my frustrations right now. But it was a learning lesson and I took away a lot from it.

So, still feel weird. Not sure if I am standing or walking away. Here is a decision that is in MY control and I can't figure it out.

Hence the fun filled, lack of responsibility weekend. I need a distraction.

So not an emotional roller coaster, but more like a train ride around an oval track. No start, no finish, just endless circling.

Have a great weekend all.