I care what happens, but I can't let that hold me back, I'm above throwing him out on the street w no where to sleep, but the boundary has clearly been set for his remaining stay. Like AJ said I really upset his apple cart at the same time (unknowingly by me) EA had just done the same 2 hrs before.
I have really put my L for him on a shelf. I'm not working off of being "in L" w my H, but of how the expectation of that would really look. It would be the end of me, I am way too lenient, soft hearted, gullible, humble, ect...to not have a shield. There is no hate here, or even immediate thought of D, it's about me, I'm sick of drowning in my own thoughts of despair.
I want off the wheel of life in a gerbil cage trying to do the same things over and over hoping for a dif result. I don't want to look as crazy as him, I want to maintain and move my family forward so ''if" he ever really see's us, he will see I stayed strong.
I actually did wish my H happiness, I said I will be the one who L's you and lets you go, I offered his big belonging to remain here, I offered to continue to run the bus. through text and email until he learned, he's holding the rope, he's blistered and broken from holding on so tight.
I know his despair is withdrawal from EA, and it kinda infuriates me that he may be quitting his night job on the N side (our insurance) just to make sure he wont run into her again. Who's to say that isn't the right course tho, he may need to stop working nights after 20yr, could be part of the problem.
If he doesn't return tonight he is fired, says his suprevisor. What do I do, go in my rm drag him, threaten, no...it's something I don't have answers to and I don't want to do more damage.
So I'm cleaning, shopping, laughing w kids, writing, and praying.
The last thing he said was "I do like you. I'm not leaving because I'm not gonna be the one to end us''! The last thing I said was after all this time don't you think I may be reaching my limit, this isn't what's in my heart, it's what I need for me in this sitch. He said he know's!
Did I do wrong by standing up for myself, telling him sending his side work checks to EA's was the last straw for me, I'm standing for me now. That's what I have been doing for myself all this time, trying to find me again, to the person on my thread who is a little harsh, while at the same time her other writing is helpful.
Nero, you are doing better and better w every visit, you are on your way, we are turtles moving at our own pace yet always reaching our goal.
sending my love...((((((((()))))))))))) <3 dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
