Quite a day... Had a surveyor here for 4 hours doing a buyers report. Makes moving much more of a reality!
Just got rid of him, checked my e-mails and had a message from my partner. Wanted to visit this evening to find out what the surveyor had to say. Not much, he was working for the buyer not us. However it didn't stop him calling. Odd, we hadn't seen each other for over a month, and he had to drive 20 mins in the opposite direction to where I think he is living now (although I have no real idea, no address or anything). He has spent 45 mins here, and has gone away with legal docs we have to complete - he will read them through and come back to fill them in with me another time!
I did good today. Kept it light and friendly. Very chatty (too chatty perhaps??) No R talk. Difficult one though - could see the old Partner (pre MLC)- this always makes me feel worse when he leaves, like I'm losing him again. When the crazy guy turns up I'm just pleased to see him go again.
I never wanted him to move out - it has been a gradual thing over several months. Until about 6 weeks ago (when we had the first offer on the house) he would stay here one night a week. Until Easter he had been staying here 2or 3 nights. It is much better for my anxiety levels when he is not here, also my PMA. But I do miss my old partner, especially when, like tonight, he peeps through the fog. I feel lonely again now he has gone. Will he ever come back? I guess that's the million dollar question on this forum. And if we knew the answer? I'm not sure it would be any easier - its a long roller coaster ride until we get there...
For along while I have been trying to ignore what is going on in my partners "other" life. I don't pry/question, anything - I learnt early on I would rather not know.
I suspected an A very early on, which he denied. Said he wished he could have an affair, because then I would hate him and it would make the sitch easier. when I found txt on mobile he said I could have he drove straight home from work to reassure me. Of course this was all months ago now.
I knew he had a "friend" in the new social group he joined. She not only was a big part of the group he joined, but they shared similar other interests (cars/writing). She is very involved in both (her career). I met her on a couple of occasions before BD - she def had her eyes/claws out for him but is oh so polite and well mannered. To cut a long story short although I have absolutely no proof I believe he is now living with her. I try and convince myself this is just a convinience, but I have a horrible suspicion it isn't.
I opened an email today from Partners aunt. It was sent to an address we shared(until recently) the title just said news. I opened it because it was from his mums sister. His mum has terminal cancer and I thought it was to tell me something. I knew my partner had given her a new email address after she sent another mail here a few weeks back.
The mail said:
Hi P I understand congratulations are in order. True? is so many of them love Aunt.
He has very little contact with his family, must be big news. I cannot get it out of my head that he is going to marry her. WTF He was here on tues and said nothing to me about it (par for the course - I seem to get all news by default or accident)
This is eating me up inside. I have been convinced from the start that we would finish this together (however long it took) -these thoughts are killing me...
He has just called. Very unusual. Wrong time, wrong day. Wants to come over late tomorrow afternoon to complete the documentation needed for the contracts on our house sale.
I am in a panic. Anxiety attack, nausea and a desire to run hard and fast. then I read my horoscope (not something I am a fan of). It said " Don't succumb to the pressure. Don't let yourself be wound up into a frenzy. Don't panic, don't overreact, don't try to control a chaotic situation. And don't fall for that old trick of telling yourself you have no time left. your 'deadline' is more flexible than you think. Take all the time you wont and more. the slower you go, the more you'll get right in july."
Alone, Breathe! It appears that he wants to come over and discuss the documents and you have to have your business hat in place. Try to keep your emotions in check during this time. You don't want him to leave your place w/the memory of you being super emotional. Show this man that you can step up to the plate and be a strong, independent woman.
As for the email, I wouldn't say anything at this time. I would bide my time to see what she's referring to.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Dear Snodderly, thank you so much for taking the time to bring me back down to earth... He has just left, was here for about an hour and a half. We went through the paperwork very calmly, and I was very cool, calm and collected. he even started telling me about some of his social activities and what is going on with his work situation. I let him do most of the talking.
No idea what the e-mail is referring to. However he was talkative, made eye contact with me (unusual) and not at all agitated (which he normaly is when he is hiding something or has to tell me something he doesn't want to. So I guess I have to wait and see (I sooooo hope I am wrong on this one).
We also discussed putting furniture into storage (his idea)- until we know where we are going? He said he would arrange for the storage to be close to the house to make it easier for me to get stuff if I stay locally. I told him that was unlikely. No further comment was made on that subject.
He will contact me to arrange times to come and sort out sheds, books and assorted rubbish and to start packing.
He also hugged the dog (wow).
It was hard to see him go today, he seemed almost normal (note: Almost). But he has been playing out his fantasy life for the best part of the day.
Must concentrate on me for the rest of the weekend.
Once again, thank you Snodderly for taking time out to write me - it helped.
Alone, You have a lot to take in and it's going to take some time to settle down a bit. You did the right thing by allowing him to chat away. Sometimes when you do this, you'll begin to get a bird's eye view of what his life is like right now. The eye contact is a good sign that he's having a moment or so of clarity. Generally, when they can't look you in the eye, it is because of guilt and shame.
For now, it sounds like he is going to try to work with you on furniture storage. Not many would consider finding someplace nearby for the convenience of the spouse. Time will tell on how long he'll be kind and considerate. I hope he will continue to do so, but if things start to get a bit "heated" or you rock the boat, his attitude could change just a bit. I hope not, but you need to be aware that sometimes when they are challenged or we don't agree w/them, they tend to get ugly, i.e., like a 2 yr old having a temper tantrum.
Try to enjoy your weekend. Do something nice for yourself. You did very well today. I'm proud of you. Keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just when I thought I was coming to terms with the move, making plans, everything has changed. the house sale fell through today.
I have seen my partner three times in the past week. We had been chatting like "normal" and I had thought making some baby steps. Although he was suffering from another cold/sore throat the last time (this makes it the fourth or fifth time since October).
I got the news from our estate agent. No calls, messages or e-mails from my partner.
It has been a strange few weeks. although I hadn't wanted to move in these circumstances I had come to accept that was going to happen. Had made plans to move on, and start again. Once the house sale fell through I was initially relieved, then I felt like the clock had been turned back a year. I felt like I was back at square one, and as all of this coincided with BD I started to relive the fears and anxiety I felt then. It has taken me a couple of weeks of being quiet and keeping to myself to come to terms with all of this. I talked to my C who said I should just accept the emotions and let them out before I moved on. which I have.
While GAL was on the top of my to do list this week, I was surprised to receive calls/e-mails from a number of people. It was a shock to me to realise I had so many good friends, and how lucky I am to have them in my life.
I have made some changes to our home - so things are just how I want them...
As for my partner. Just after the sale fell through I sent him a short e-mail - basically saying I had heard from the agent and how disappointed he must be. He thanked me for the mail, and said "well, these things happen"
I sent him a further e-mail a couple of weeks later. I had a really frightening dream about him, and when I woke the first thing I wanted to do was call him. I didn't, but couldn't get rid of that nagging feeling. However I received some mail that was a notification of money due to be taken from his account for bill payment. so I sent him a quick note FYI, and he replied - saying we would catch up soon. We haven't - yet. But he e-mailed me again today (several times) regarding a meeting he was having with the estate agent, and asking for my opinions. I gave him some points of consideration, but did not express any definite views, leaving the final decision to him (made no difference to me either way!) He has decided he doesn't want a Sale board erected - a 180 - it was me who originally objected and took the original one he had put up removed ( I ripped It out of the ground myself). He is considering changing agents when their initial contract is up (we have actually passed the minimum time). when he sent me an update following the meeting he had told them if there is no sale by the end of Sept he will take the house off the market!!! Hell, he' been set on selling it from BD - it has been his game plan from the outset- sell the house, no responsibility, no me and dog!!!
Then said was planning to come see me soonish - next week? Dear God, I hope not. Next tues is my 50th birthday. My memories of how badly he behaved on my bd last year are firmly etched in my memory and I do NOT want a replay. Will he remember my bd? Who knows, but he had filled in the correct details on a legal doc for the house sale he completed ready for my signature a few weeks back.
Just when I think I am coming to terms with all of this and moving on something really silly/minor occurs and my emotions come to the fore and seem to overwhelm me. I have always believed he would come back, but I cannot see how that is going to happen. sometimes I think I can see/sense a slight change in his behaviour and would like to think things maybe taking a baby, baby step in the right direction. The problem is I do have expectations... I always expect to hear/see something I don't want to see/hear and in that case I would rather not see him, as much as I want him back. Crazy... and that's supposed to be him not me..!
The problem is I do have expectations... I always expect to hear/see something I don't want to see/hear and in that case I would rather not see him, as much as I want him back.
Well that is one reason to have NO EXPECTATIONS.
If he comes back it will take TIME lots of it.
Keep moving forward it is the best direction to move.
I see KD was nice enough to post my welcome post, hope you have made your way through all the homework.
