Suckerpunch, you've been dealt some pretty heavy blows here. I have a suggestion: find some other people's threads that you can identify with and try to listen to the advice there. Your story and the advice from the forum sages is so helpful to me, but when I get 2x4s aimed at me I get defensive. So reading your story and others is sometimes more helpful to me that the attention I get on my personal sitch.
Here is some reaction to your story from a peer, though: I know the feeling of "this is too far gone and it is certainly going to end." But try to take your focus off that. Present awareness is a good mindset. We don't know what the future holds. Literally, you could die in a car wreck today and die married. So when you catch yourself thinking or feeling about the future or what if or even about the past, take a deep breath and literally guide your thoughts into the present moment by telling yourself where you are, physically. "I am suckerpunch and I am at work sitting in a chair." I have done that a couple of times. The deep breath is helpful. The intentional thought is helpful. It is a little brain/will exercise that takes a moment but it begins to re-wire some neural pathways away from negative ruts our minds are used to trodding. Willingness to try new things is the key to unlock change and freedom.
