Wow Dawn, on my thread we were discussing "done". I expect that is what it looks like - that we no longer care what happens to our partners - good or bad.
Nero asked some good questions though, now that you have literally handed him his shoes, do you plan to take any legal action?
Nero, I am with you. I wish I could be a better person and wish him happiness. But I don't. At least not right away. He has affected me enormously and I sure hope that he at least feels some of my pain - or maybe more than some!
pain- yeah hope he feels some - OOOOORRRRRRR ALLLL PLUS ALOT MORE , PLUS THE AGONY THAT COMES WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU HAVE - SINGLE HANDEDLY & SELFISHLY - COST YOURSELF WHAT IS MOST DEAR. (assuming it's true - and someday - someway it crashes into his stupid little insular world)
uh hem - maybe allll that **& a little bit more even.
what? revenge? not me- i can't bring myself to do rotten things or even to wish something horrible on him-
except perhaps that knowledge & resultant - whatever.
as ye sow - so shall ye reap.
i always thought so- my entire belief system may be inn jeopardy here- the fallout is that far reaching.
it makes me wonder how kids deal with cruel parents , alcoholics, etc- how do THEY reconcile someone they love and that they think loves them- hurting them. ya gotta wonder.
fighting hard not to be bitter - or "keep track" of every wrong- shove them out of my mind when it "goes there" -
i'm maybe at live & let live - i'm not at "forgive" yet. i'm working on forget - it is soooo much of the best and now worst things in my life- not sure about this one -
the whole years & years & experience feel like an integral part of me- part of what & who i am. how do ya excise that?
i'm just sayin.
BUT FOR THIS MOMENT- FOR TODAY ) i feel okay & rather positive - even with my grayng hair (gonna dye that mess shortly) and those darn wrinkles (where did they come from- and can i legitimately blame THEM ON SOMEONE - MY OGRE'S DU JOUR???
he left and i did not experience the usual agony-ious feelings- idk why- i'm gong with it.
maybe tomorrow i'll be weeping in my soup- for this minute i'm feelin like my old self.
unfocused & twirling but kinda happy-ish- yay !!
xxoo i'm just hanging on - one little bit longer- don't realistically know for what? or who? or why- I'm just sayin...
I care what happens, but I can't let that hold me back, I'm above throwing him out on the street w no where to sleep, but the boundary has clearly been set for his remaining stay. Like AJ said I really upset his apple cart at the same time (unknowingly by me) EA had just done the same 2 hrs before.
I have really put my L for him on a shelf. I'm not working off of being "in L" w my H, but of how the expectation of that would really look. It would be the end of me, I am way too lenient, soft hearted, gullible, humble, ect...to not have a shield. There is no hate here, or even immediate thought of D, it's about me, I'm sick of drowning in my own thoughts of despair.
I want off the wheel of life in a gerbil cage trying to do the same things over and over hoping for a dif result. I don't want to look as crazy as him, I want to maintain and move my family forward so ''if" he ever really see's us, he will see I stayed strong.
I actually did wish my H happiness, I said I will be the one who L's you and lets you go, I offered his big belonging to remain here, I offered to continue to run the bus. through text and email until he learned, he's holding the rope, he's blistered and broken from holding on so tight.
I know his despair is withdrawal from EA, and it kinda infuriates me that he may be quitting his night job on the N side (our insurance) just to make sure he wont run into her again. Who's to say that isn't the right course tho, he may need to stop working nights after 20yr, could be part of the problem.
If he doesn't return tonight he is fired, says his suprevisor. What do I do, go in my rm drag him, threaten, no...it's something I don't have answers to and I don't want to do more damage.
So I'm cleaning, shopping, laughing w kids, writing, and praying.
The last thing he said was "I do like you. I'm not leaving because I'm not gonna be the one to end us''! The last thing I said was after all this time don't you think I may be reaching my limit, this isn't what's in my heart, it's what I need for me in this sitch. He said he know's!
Did I do wrong by standing up for myself, telling him sending his side work checks to EA's was the last straw for me, I'm standing for me now. That's what I have been doing for myself all this time, trying to find me again, to the person on my thread who is a little harsh, while at the same time her other writing is helpful.
Nero, you are doing better and better w every visit, you are on your way, we are turtles moving at our own pace yet always reaching our goal.
sending my love...((((((((()))))))))))) <3 dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Nero, You are taking baby steps and they are good ones, i.e., for you. Take each day as it comes and try to live in the moment. Okay?
Get your hair done and do some other kinds of pampering as well. This should make you feel a bit better. I wouldn't worry about the wrinkles! Young people are getting wrinkles from being out in the sun too much these days. Let it go.
Do you have any special plans for the weekend?
BTW, time to start a new thread! Your thread filled up quickly. I think I'm poster 112.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
you sound good despite the turmoil around there. you are right (imho) i too feel alot like i "should be" doing this, "should be" doing that- explaining and so on-
if you are listening to your heart - i think you'e doig the rite thing. you have alot of compassion- it is as it should be (in neroland) you are rising above it all - him- and not kicking him when you know he is down.
i hope if my day comes i am kind also. i get mad - i say rotten stuff- it's me- i'm a name caller. i get so frustrated & het up sometimes- i just want to say rotten stuff (to a neutral person) - get it out- feel very exotic - it defuses me a bit to hear myself (or see myself) "say" alot of junk that is waaay "out there".
Quote:
I have really put my L for him on a shelf. I'm not working off of being "in L" w my H, but of how the expectation of that would really look. It would be the end of me, I am way too lenient, soft hearted, gullible, humble, ect...to not have a shield. There is no hate here, or even immediate thought of D, it's about me, I'm sick of drowning in my own thoughts of despair
cripes - you crack me up. me too- the shield - we have to do it and learn to do it better and better. who will save our hearts if not us??? me too across the board - i can bend and give til i fall off my twig - i know me- .. i say "hate" because alot of the time i think i'm going to have to capture the magic of it and try and hate him. either real or fakie , but forceful. something like that- something that will carry me thru & over it all.
i cannot indulge n the luxury of fantasy about him becoming his old self- really loving me- etc. i've got that- it's something that will hurt me - idk about him anymore- i have no certainty. i have a few grains of hope - in there in pollyannaland - can't seem to eradicate that aspect of my nature- hope- optimism - possibilities always being out there for almost anything in life. i truly believe people are capable of all sorts of amazing things- even ourselves- how do we ever know what anyone will do? when the chips are down - part of the hope thing? idk- i think it's a positive kind of outlook- endless possibliities in the universe.
the job- i understand what you are sayng. you are alot like me- ultimately, we allow people to make their own decisions and have their own journey. people too anxious to decide for someone else make me nervous- too self righteous- and not a good thing. i can't do it- i wonder and think perhaps i should be more of a bit@h - truly - more forceful - more "take what i want". it doesn't seem to be me.
i can be strong- i can endure- i can take care ofme if i have to- i can find my own way- i can't seem to want to tell someone else what to do, how to do it, etc.
what good is anything if you have to demand it? know what i mean- if it's not given freely- what the heck good is it- love .
oh well- keep on going. i don't think you were or are "wrong". i don't think there is a wrong or rite. you make your steps based on your gut & heart- the outcome is yours to deal with- there is no such thing in here as rite & wrong because no one can ever really know. anyone can say - "oh well- if you had done x y or z - it would be better - or worse" - it's alllllll speculation plain and simple.
people base it on their experience and realm of reference. no one can know you and h as you do. don't waiver in doing what you know you need to do for you. an don't second guess & /or apologize. you make your decidion- you take your lumps - who in the world could find fault with that.
we're all stumbling along blind- whose been HERE before - for cripes sake!!! we'll get there - i think you're rite.
as usual - it's both incredibly simple - and incredibly complex. today i am up- i hope it stays.
idk why- i wish to God my h would utter 1/100th of the stuff your h manages to say. it's something. (well- the those of us in silence land). My sense of your post is strength - i'm glad for you. you have the strength of your purpose- and are on your own rite road.
we're hear man-
i will be wondering how it all turns out - the job, etc. best of luck with that.
who knows- maybe when i go to fla - and he heads out my brain will explode and i will in fact load the u=-haul. who can tell how and why we react to certain things under certain circumstances. i am not going to think about it-
i am somehow immersed in the land of I DO NOT GIVE A DAMN - it feels mighty good and i hope it stays a bit.
oh well- hope your evening is good. can you tell i feel good to be free to sit down any minute i want and check in- i need to rearrange this room so my face is to the door and my screen faces only me- nobody can get behind me- gotta think about how- oh well.
xxoo sending back that love and all my positive vibes and good junkola thru the universe's super ether "mail"delivery system. somehow it will all be okay in the end - today i feel sure. tho we have a way to go - both of us - and i'm not saying it will be easy or without lumps - but i'm thinking we will prevail - one way or the other. hang on- i'm hanging too - saying that has me thinking of two monkeys hi up in some stupid tree- hanging there - side by side - dangling - on those goofy spindlie arms - with confused faces - you know, just dangling...
