Up in the air, LONG

[Demoted26]

Well, today is the day H finds out if he gets laid off. Rumors circulating & the fact that his boss hasn't updated his project, or given him any work all week, not to mention cancelling a shipment he'd set up for next week of a key machine he needs to do his job are not fabulous signs that he'll pull through this intact. But, you never know until you know!

I'm nervous about losing the income, but moreso the health benefits. H pacemaker is set to be replaced in 3-6 months due to low battery. I hope we can get that pushed up, if they know we are losing benefits. I'll have to go off my meds as well...not sure what life will look like without ADs, Painkillers, and biologics for the RA.

This is scary, but in a way...it might be good. His job (& having to relocate without the family & a place to go) is not good for any of us, he hates it and it's a toxic environment.
I have 10+ texts going back to April from him saying exactly that.
Either scenario had huge plussess & huge minuses.
I guess, like everything else, we just have to wait & see how this plays out.

I hate moderation. If it's this hard waiting, & I'm 8 months in, I can't imagine the people who are here fresh off the BD.

LUCKILY, if found counseling at that point. Wish that was still going. They closed the group due to lack of participation. Perhaps not having it at 2 on Wrd. afternoon would solve that...? Not my call.

[Demoted26]

No layoff today as planned. There's always next week. H said a couple of higher up coworkers came to him, shook his hand & said it'd been a pleasure working with him.
Guess that removed the wondering if he was getting the ax, eh?
He sounded hurt, but disappointed they didn't just get it over with today, instead of making him drive there & back again. Twice. Gas is killing our finances.

My dad is being released to a rehabilitation center on Friday. H invited me to go back with him Sunday afternoon & he'd stay with me & help me clean my dads house & prepare his bedroom for when he comes home. His vacation starts Tues., or layoff, whichever comes first. Then we will both go home. My dad will be in rehab about a month to learn to care for himself with his new limitations.


H's home now. Always hugs me hello. Not today, but I do admit the dogs mauled him for 10 min. The Great Dane sat on him in the recliner, her butt up. Lol, we all got a good laugh out of that!! I wish I'd have gotten a pic of it!!

If he hadn't dropped the bomb on me in Oct. I could easily pretend that this wasn't happening....

[Demoted26]

H got up talkative this morning. Upset he
didn't get laid off, he's "done" with this job (they are really making life hard for no reason other than the new boss doesn't like him).
Funny, its like he's "done" with our marriage too.

If you are so miserable , then why not DO SOMETHING to create a change(lol, at myself since I'm sitting here miserable waiting on him to decide what happens...I know, I know)?
Not that I WANT him to push for D, that's not what I mean!! He's a procrastinator... It'so like he expects things to change without effort. He actually told mer that late last year... "you shouldn't have to WORK at having a happy marriage". Like happiness just happens & the world is sunshine & rainbows all the time? Ha! I wish. We never had it easy, there was always some sort of stress/setback we faced (money, health, death, accidents...you know, life).
You have to work at EVERYTHING in life to keep it flowing.

I got to hear how the man who can not ever set foot in a grocery store when around me, now goes daily to the store to buy food to make for dinner/treats for his buddy's kids when he stays over there. Can't help it, that made me jealous. He never did that for me & HIS own kids when they were younger.

I got to hear all about how nice it is to ride with his EA bi gal pal (that WAS cooling, but its picking up again lately?), how it makes the long ride more interesting. Her & her W were doing a gay pride parade this weekend. H is so much more accepting now (good), but its strange...he's so different from the person I thought I knew.

H also talked about wishing our S would make an effort to visit & do things with him. They live in the same town weekdays (when H stays at his Moms anyway), about 10 from eachother. S had seen him 3-4 times there, since Oct.
H wants to meet with him 2x a week; movies, bowling, pool, fishing, etc.
H rarely did those things with the kids up to this point...now that he needs them for entertainment, he expects this to happen? Seriously? Plus, they are mad at him (as far as I can tell) for bailing on the marriage. S had never said this to me directly & has distanced from us both (still friendly & visits with us both at the house here for special occasions)...D is straight up ANGRY. At him, frustrated with me. She wants me to move on. Doesn't understand how hard that will be. Hell, even I fear it deeply, but don't KNOW .

H was not a bad dad, but he worked a LOT (forced workaholic, job required OT...10+ hour days, 6-7 days a week for years. Now he's cut back to 40 hours a week). The kids are older, they started living their lives for themselves. They are both single, not dating, but they still have their own personal preferences on how to spend time outside work. Both kids are computer "geeks" homebodies. H was a homebody before too. Now its go, go, go...unless he's HERE at home. Probably a comfort thing.

I'm glad he has money to go do all these things he wants to with S.
I'm trying to survive off $40 a week he can spare for my food , personal care items,& "entertainment". We are stretched beyond thin financially due to his work relocation & bills.

H mentioned maybe having to sell the house (I know, probably will if he hets laird off). I literally have no where to go & have 3 LARGE dogs (all on the breed bam list) who are like my kids (basically my closest family members besides my kids...who have distanced from me as well, after the BD). I fear I'm going to lose the dogs who are essentially my closest companions, my home, my family, everything.
I will be homeless, as we would be LUCKY to break even if we sell.

If Hs laid off, I will have no income coming in, I'd imagine alimony would be a joke at that point. I wonder how long I will survive, literally, without meds for my ailments if I wind up in that position. Not to mention I have no idea how to survive on the streets...I was fortunate enough to this point to have my dad, then H provide well for me.
Its a scary prospect. And so hurtful that H makes this decision & takes my life to this level with it.
I'm still job searching, so far, no luck. Our area is hit very hard with housing/unemployment...but I hear thats supposed to be picking up.

[mizjjd]

Demoted,

sorry you find yourself going through so much heartache.

I'm not sure if you are still on moderation - it seems unlikely after 20 some posts. But then too, I only found you because I was rereading some posts I made and I can't seem to find your thread on newcomers...? But I am tired so maybe am just not seeing straight!

Some hints about getting responses.

1. Just like dealing with marriages, it takes patience. If you notice in the Newcomers forum listing of threads, some threads have perhaps 27 replies or posts, but have had 425 views!

2. The fastest way off moderation is to do frequent short posts, on your own thread and others' too.

3. Posting on others threads also helps bring attention to YOU and to your thread.

4. Ask specific questions if you want feedback. Some of your posts read to me as "journaling" - which is absolutely fine and good - but might not prompt someone to leave a post.

Good luck to you.


Update on the job sitch. Have you read DR or DB yet?

[Demoted26]

Thanks for the reply mizjjd!! Nope, I never see my thread listed either. Yes, just sort of venting here & tossing out whatever "vomit" is affecting me most that moment, since I am still on moderation.

I read DR, but I was new to my sitch & dont think I absorbed a lot if it...I NEED to go back & do so again.

I dont even know what questions to ask...I'm so damn confused!!
I guess...has anyone every heard of this type of dynamic before?
My divorce counselor sure hadn't. She just told me, " He's told you he's done...you have to accept that & move on. I suggest you file to protect yourself financially".

I am not even remotely ready for that, so I looked online & found this forum.
I read daily & try to support those who's threads I read.
Being on mod, my response pops up so late I have no idea if anyone had ever even noticed I've posted to them.

This whole thing blows, I hate it. I just wish of could wake up from this horrible, never ending nightmare. Reality bites.

[Demoted26]

In a strange twist I believe my husband is leaning on me for emotional support to come to terms with our sitch.

I KNOW that if I cut him out of my life, things would change & H would likely want to try (he may be acting unlike his usual self, but I know him pretty darn good after 26 years).

If he disliked our relationship that much he would avoid me & barely speak to me. That's what he does when he doesn't like someone...and basically how he treated me in the beginning of the S. He's still in this thing, but hes fighting that. I'm sure he'd D if I pressured him tho. He's stubborn & because he ISN'T HAPPY with a lot of aspects of his life right now , he would let go of everything because he doesn't know how to not be unhappy.

H needs to take a leap of faith to heal our relationship, same as me...try to reconnect. We have a lot going for us, even still. But I'm honestly not sure he'd take that leap without a nudge. He said he's affraid we'll "be ok for a year or two, then go back to arguing". I told him, "Thats why we need to learn how to communicate openly & honestly. Bring things up before they eat you up, so they can be worked out". He just shakes his head & says it won't work.

I hope I've grown more than that...that he could come to me & say, "Hey, this is bugging me" & I could say, "how do we make it better"? , instead of getting defensive.
Sad thing is, his focus is elsewhere & he hasn't changed at all (other than being kinder to me most days). So I'm not sure he wouldn't still just stuff feelings, resentments instead of asking for a compromise, or explain how whatever was bugging him made him feel & suggest resolutions.
Then again, H feels *I* am the sole problem in the relationship. Sigh.

Why can I not bring myself to just shut him out right now?!

I think I'm affraid #1. What if he"gets over it" while he's mad that ' I turned on him'....I don't want to purposefully hurt H, either. Funny since he has said some cruel things to me in all of this!

I also don't want to upset the kids further, make them feel awkward.
Any more than they likely do already.

I'm just straight up not ready emotionally.
Especially with everything going on with my Dad right now. Not that I ever think I'd be fully ready, but who knows? If this goss I'm long enough, I suppose MY needs will go unmet long enough & I too will figure out that our relationship isn't working.

I do want to be loved & cherished again, someday.
H really did love me a LOT, once. I just wish I could rewind back to then &.let him know how glad that made me feel. Instead of just telling him I loved him too. I dont think hes ever understood how VERY MUCH I've always loved him & needed him & WANTED him in my life.

I'm unable to detach right now. I' do try to "stand back" a little, be less reactive (I do ok with that, but usually react badly when he says certain things that remind me he no longer loves me, but silently at first, then rationalize & talk myself down). I know myself, and if I detach, I detach for good. I guess he needs to make out more concrete that he is done in actions for me to take that step. Once we D he will no longer be my 'friend'...hre will just be someone'i used to know'.
Lord how I hate the idea of that.

[Demoted26]

H brought me back to visit my dad yesterday. Dad is finally doing better, kicked the pneumonia (mostly). He goes to elder care/rehab today, then comes home next week.

S & I are going back to our house today, H follows tomorrow unless he gets laid off sooner. I'm looking forward to the 4th. Its my favorite summer holiday...but the heatwave is kinda killing us. Not getting out to do much in 110°!!

I'm trying too be happy
for what I have: my dad doing better,my kids, my dogs, my house, getting to spend the 4th with our immediate family (H, me, kids).
I'm making family faves, H will bbq.
Just have to keep reminding myself..give him space, be friendly but not too friendly, dont do everything for H. I'm a caretaker & enjoy doing that. He resisted at first & wouldn't allown much help. Lately he has been. I'll look at it as a positive, along with his recent actions. Maybe its just wishful thinking? Only H knows, at least believing it is gives me a small measure of
temporary peace. Denial? Yeah, probably. I'm not sure whats what anymore to be truthful.

We may not be where *l * wish we were, but it sure could be much worse.
I'm learning to appreciate what I have, while I have it.
Happy 4th everyone...I hope you manage to find some fun in the day.

[Demoted26]

Funny, back to not sleeping ...could be partially due to the fact that it's 80° inside! This heat wave is a killer.

H boss was laid off yesterday. Wonder if today will be his day? Wish they'd just get it over with & finish the layoff. Waiting & wondering is almost worse than hearing it really has happened.

Good news, my Dad was transfered out of the hospital
yesterday. He has to stay at the senior care facility a week to finish iv antibiotics & do physical therapy
He's still mentally confused, but he is doing well with picture flash cards & simple puzzles, like nesting cups. Not perfect on the cups, but after minor struggles with trying to put them together upside down he said, "Oh! Dumazz!!" & slapped them together in the right order. Helps to know my dad is hiding in there somewhere. Lol

The nurses in the new place will have to learn hes an escape artist, stubborn, and a crusty old biker. Poor things.

[Demoted26]

Yes, finally off moderation!
Wow. That seemed like forever.

[GotoGirl]

Hi Demoted. I seem some similarities in your situation and mine.

My H is unhappy in his job.He also has someone at work that he confides in and that person has had an unhappy relationship and has told my H that nothing changes so essentially he shouldn't trust me and proceed with ending our marriage! It is very frustrating.

You have the added stress of your Dad (I hope he is doing better and I love the "Not perfect on the cups, but after minor struggles with trying to put them together upside down he said, "Oh! Dumazz!!" & slapped them together in the right order"-it sounds like he has some spunk left in him!!).

Keep on working on yourself, that is what you can change at this point. It seems like you are doing well working on this already.