Nothing too new to report, just felt I should journal.
I am so very very angry of late. Angry at my H, his parents, myself - most anything with a pulse and some things without.
H of course still has his parents to deal with, and I know that weighs heavily upon him. (This is not mind reading - he talks about it.)
And of course there are still children to deal with, which weighs heavily upon my mind.
And I just want to run far far away.
Which would not be good for those children previously mentioned. And, angry and hateful though I am, I am unwilling to dump anything else on H while he has the parent issue to deal with.
I am feeling trapped. By circumstances, or by myself? Are those two things one and the same?
Maybe its just a matter of patience because time will age out the kids, and harsh though it sounds, age out the in-laws as well.
H was going on about a trip he has planned the first few days of Aug to take the twins to his folks. He referred to it as a "vacation".
I said I could use a vacation myself. That even though both of my jobs are "part time" that the working-every-day is a bit of a grind.
H "Why don't you come with us then?"
There is the problem of me not having a passport - H said he would ask the border guards about any options when he goes gambling this weekend.
But then too, there is my problem(s).
I don't want to spend 20 hours in a car. With H. Dealing with the in-laws is NEVER a vacation.
Mostly though, its not wanting to spend time with H. Because I am so very very angry with him.
I suppose this anger will pass (age out?). But what comes next? I don't know if this is better or worse than the hurt... I think it still has a lot of the hurt in it.
Uck. Now you see why I haven't been writing so much of late.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I am sorry you are feeling the anger. Be angry, work through it, and then move on.
If going with H doesn't sound like much of a vacation, then don't go. But I advise being very non committal at this time as you don't want to give him an answer based on your emotionalness (ie anger.)
I would like to add that I see it as a positive that H invited you to come along...my H doesn't include me in anything family related as he doesn't want to give the kids "the wrong idea". IE, that we will be and do as a family.
The anger will pass, and I am sure it will come back again. Feel everything when it comes. You got this Miz.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Glad you're here. Sorry you're feeling less than spectacular.
I don't think that being angry is necessarily a bad thing. You have many reasons to be angry, to feel wronged, and to be exhausted and stressed from it all.
Maybe being angry is a part of our journey.
I say that if the thought of taking that trip with your H causes you stress, then don't do it. That defeats the purpose of what a vacation is for. One of the reasons I changed what I wanted to do for our family vacation is that the thought of spending seven + hours in a car with my MLC H and two small children who have never been in a car that long rose my anxiety level to above manageable. I wasn't going to put myself - or the other members of my family - through that.
I say that when your H leaves with the twins, you do your own little vacation or mini- trip. Is there somewhere you'd like to go to relax, even just for a day or two? A friend that could come along?
Don't feel bad about posting when you're down. That's why we're here.
Hope you are feeling better soon
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Can I relate the ANGER, so deep that it feels an awful lot like hate. TVS was debating whether or not to give her H a hug before his clandestine weekend. Me, I think a punch in the face would feel more natural to me. Or hug him with a very sharp knife!
In Susan Anderson's book on abdandonment, she talks about the anger stage. I am right in it. It is not a peaceful stage so I am trying even harder not to think of him and the things that he did and the way that he did them and the way that he is not sorry at all.
MizJ, maybe the real vacation for you would be to let him take the twins and you can either stay home and enjoy the peace or, if you can afford it, grab a friend or just you and have a spa day, go to the nearest town with a hotel/spa and enjoy yourself. You (like me) are wound tighter than a clock these days and I hardly think all that time in the car with H and boys is going to be anything but torture at this point. Sometimes, it is OK to put ourselves first, especially when even though you are going to support your H's family, it may turn out worse when you are mentally exhausted.
why not just "pop in" a time or two a week rather than ditch us all together. you made me laugh- when h is not around- i become a bit ocd with this too,. despite some friends, etc - i find it a good place to "put" my baggage. poor all you. well, and also to get the put and input from alot of people in same boat. who KNOW WHAT they are talking about - and i'm talking bout.
anyway- hope all goes well - good luck with everyone- you sure have a load of people & pets to juggle -
why don't you just beg off - perhaps say nicely you feel you'd be a needless distraction and he and the boys could "bond" and same with him and HIS parents-
wouldn't you be a sweet and caring spouse??? particularly if you've got the ANGER THING going on- you'd probably either explode in the car and then there'd be guts allover everyone- or blow a gasket keeping it in. why torture yourse.f ? would he do it for you. if he's like my h- not on your nelly. he'd take care of self - first.
allover this forum & in the books it touts "take care of you". if i could figure what to do for myself that would produce a feeling of "good" i'd grab it. no clue- BUT HERE you have a perfect thing- give yourself the gift of some time off from it all- away- rather than A GIANT DOSE of that which is making you crazy.
sometimes i go to fla (despite my limit4ed welcome - but "f" that) because i miss my neices and their kids (alot) - it's self-indulgent- and my mother hates it. - it leaves her pretty much on her own up here in nj because my other sisters just don't make an effort & she's lonely. (i feel badly she's got to reap what she's put out there - bad feelings and no body comes around - not even out of pity). it's sad- but it's her darn mean attitude for years & "i just have to be honest" - etc. she doesn't even back down now- when she needs the company badly- she'll still let ya have it every opportunity. i guess proving to herself she's still"the boss". idk-sad- i didn't break HER AND I CAN't fix her either.
I JUST DO IT- SOMETIMES I NEED TO GET AWAY from her critical and mean side- i just have to or explode allover the place.
how much do we need to shove this stuff down our own throats in the name of "right" and "decent thing to do" , guilt, etc>"???
i feel like a rat leaving a sinkin ship each time- yet i do it & call once a day and feelllll alot bettr to be away from it- it's like having a giant load off my back....
Hi Mizjjd...just checking in with you. I took a break from DB for a few weeks. I'm sorry you are still struggling. I struggle every day with the anger too. I also feel lost in what is comfortable and dealing with how to change things for myself and my boys. I get angry with myself for continuing down the same road. I hope things improve on your end. Keep you chin up!! Enjoy your summer with your boys.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
