This is my first time ever posting, I'm new...1 month, but very encouraged to see the enormous amount of education available and warm and caring support.
I'm encouraged to see that your sit with your WAW is progressing primarily due to your 180, and ability to make the dramatic adjustment from H to Friend. How wonderful! How this change in attitude is bring her near you instead of pushing her away forever.
That is my Goal with my WAW. We've been separated since December, talk about how the Holidays can be depressing...I never new. Always stressed, but never depressed.
I read Michelle's Divorce Remedy and with other friends of mine who are also DBing I feel that I am becoming more independent and self assured as an individual, becoming again attractive to my WAW. Recently I've learned to keep the phone conversations short and sweet, I'm ending the conversation - not her. I'm upbeat, sound like everything is just great, don't tell her ILY, but available if she needs help. Learning to listen, not fix, not counsel, not educate, not ask for a decision...just being there and learning to roll with the punches. Some of those punches are pretty hard and low...OUCH!
I have no idea if WAW and I will reconcile, but I can't worry about that right now..it took a long time to get into this Sit, so it'll take a long time to reconcile..if that.
Learning to be my W's Friend is so encouraging because it leaves the door open which otherwise could be closed forever. My days are up and down..but I'm finding the lows are becoming less frequent and farther between. My attitude is that I'm not ready for Divorce, I haven't filed, neither has she...although the typical "I don't Love You Anymore", "I don't want to be married to anyone", "Too Little, Too Late", etc. is everything she said 2.5 months ago. Oh yeah..I believe there's OM. She denied it...said it was just a friend, they didn't do anything, but I think by now they have...then I think and recall the 6stages of MLC. So my WAW/MLC I feel needs me even though she can't see that. She's 49, never thought I'd be going through this especially at her age...but Life is full of suprises. She's in the house, I've got an Apt. Learning to take care of myself in ways I never thought...things like, learning to be happy without her, taking care of my emotional needs, now going to counseling, learning to enjoy others company and companionship....but a goal I've set is to be Single/Separate..maybe Single Divorced for at least 2-3 years from now. I think I could actually enjoy that. We'll see...don't want to set unrealistic expectations for myself. Too soon to tell at this point..just a goal.
One common thing I've been learning that when WAW, or MLCer is with a OP it seems to be reassured that it doesn't last, something they just have to get ourhtingeseemswOthing I've learned with the at of their system...it's a process. Another real life experience is that I have to very dear friends who years ago experienced WAW. Both said that had DB been around years ago they could have saved their marriages...and if they had "Stayed,or Held the Line" for a couple of years they would have reconciled. SPACE and TIME...does wonders.
This is probably the hardest thing I've been tested on in my Life..PATIENCE...it's definately a virtue, something I see now that if I would have practiced...I would not be in this situation today (maybe). I've come to accept that things happen for a reason..I believe this situation with my WAW has brought to a point where this is a lesson I have to learn now, as I've failed to do so in the past. Thank God...I'm not on my death bed learning this lesson otherwise. Another perspective I've come to embrace for handling the ups and downs of either my WAW/MLCer...is to think: What if they had Cancer? Wouldn't I be there? next to her, just holding her hand..trying to make them as comfortable as possible...not knowing if they would stay, or go? or when that would happen? Could be months, could be years...who knows? But the answer would be "YES" if they had cancer, of course. It's out my control,let go and let God...sometimes the only thing you can do is just be there.