Two years in limbo, it's a fine place

[adinva]

Feeling unglued atm. Just got back from the drug counselor appointment I made my S15 go to, a follow up from the one in March, where we'd redo the pee test and decide if he does or doesn't need a program of some type. I expected we'd discuss all the drug paraphernalia and late-night comings and goings. I didn't expect that we'd discuss H, because frankly I've nearly forgotten about him being gone most of the time and am feeling better.

But S15 isn't. He doesn't show it or talk about it - ever - but the counselor told me he brought up his dad leaving. He doesn't know if we're going to get divorced, he doesn't know what's going on, and he's very sad and very angry, and has no words or ways to express it. She suggested I not discuss it with him now or on the way home, or even soon, but start trying to model by talking to him about how *I* feel about H leaving.

I am reviewing the mental tape and not happy with how I handled myself throughout this meeting, am bordering on nagging and not holding myself to the standard of nonjudgmental loving parental concern that I was hoping. I am scared, mad, tired, confused by this stuff S15 is going through. I sounded like an idiot talking about my hard and fast rule that lasted two days and then became conditional and then based on day to day whether he was behaving pretty well the past couple of days or not. I think I sounded like an awful parent. I knew going in that I wasn't in top emotional shape, just felt scattered and not sure what I was going to accomplish. I told myself the less I said the better, and then I started talking anyway.

But the good news is that he only had small traces of THC, so he wasn't lying about not using, even though his friends are clearly using all around him and in my house. Or it means the pee he bought was pretty close to clean. It wasn't enough for her to temperature check so we tried to do it again at the end of the meeting and he couldn't go, so I decided we'll go with the belief that it's legitimate, and a pretty much negative result. He's at least on notice that they expect a certain temperature and amount next time. The counselor thinks in this day and age so many parents are home drug testing that it is just not as extreme as I would have thought in my high school years, and I won't be a crazy lady for requiring clean tests as he starts driving, which is what I'm planning, at least while I still question his decision making.

I'm so sad for him about his dad, and his difficulty expressing his feelings. He is positively allergic to talking to me about really anything, which is age appropriate. I wish I knew what was happening too, but I don't. I feel pretty sure we're going to get divorced in a while, but not so sure that I'd tell S15 that when there aren't any concrete steps happening. I really don't know what I want to tell him about how I'm feeling about H. I know I'm feeling sad, wishful, sometimes lonely, and really frustrated sometimes to have two boys and no man to help raise them, especially when they're defying me and acting out. Two boys plus a bunch of honorary other ones who seem to nearly live here. I don't like being a nag, and I don't like this escalating cold warfare, and I know I'm going to be fine so I don't dwell on feeling sad and resentful. So, which of that if any would I share with S15? Huh.

I can talk to him about what I do when I feel sad, mad, and overwhelmed, which is a few things, swim, exercise, read, walk, pet the dogs, visit with friends, go to a meeting, write things down. These are not 15 year old boy things. He punches holes in walls, gets drunk, and acts out, but he could also work out and visit with friends who are hopefully not getting drunk.

I've calmed down but the half hour drive home I was not happy at all with how I did. I'm aware, from IC, that my goal is not to win every battle but to win the war. I'm aware that nothing needs to happen *right now*. I have a Families Anonymous meeting I can go to tonight to get some of the cr*p out of my system. I just wish there was some combination of things I could do to make my son happy, confident, and carefree. Or I guess to teach him to know that he will be even if he isn't right now.

So this is partly about H, that the uncertainty of our limbo situation is hard on at least S15 even if I'm comfortable with it.