Questions without answers...will the hurt stop?

[25yearsmlc]

For the 5 year period of trouble

I looked at your signature block that said "brief MLC", 2008, and then the affair, and the other stuff that happened.

You seem to minimize his issues when WE mention them as long standing problems

but you post here, mostly about HIM, not you or your GAL.

That's why I suggested you read "Co Dependent No More", b/c YOU are all you control. Why spend any energy on assessing and diagnosing him?

IMO your focus should either be on creating a new happy life without him,

or a new happy life around him, but with zero expectations of him, ever...

Life is short. You have had 5 years of erratic behavior from him. I see no signs of real improvement or CHANGE going on, so that was my take on it.

Some folks come here, and I am NOT saying you are one of them but I caution to consider not becoming one...

and they post and vent about their spouses...a lot....and the venting in SOME cases only solidifies how victimized they view themselves as being.

They are here for years. They do NOT GAL, they do NOT do many 180s and they stop them if no immediate result or "fix" doesn't occur.

They don't grow or change much. They are stuck. Some of them seem most comfortable with it. They choose to be stuck.

And it IS a choice. I made that choice for a year of my life. I won't do that again.

No more wondering what label or diagnosis for my h, or asking, endlessly, "WHY????"

b/c it simply does NOT matter. What mattered was ME GAL for me and for my kids.

A life without h, but with us being happy.

It's a paradox you see. The minute WE truly detach and begin to accept and even embrace the new found freedom that being sep can bring,

that dropping the rope relieves, is often the trigger for the WAS to change.

but we cannot drop the rope BECAUSE we want them back.

We must move forward in our lives FOR US and our children so we are modelling what healthy dignified women do when we get a blow to our hearts.

If that awakens something in the WAS, then cross that bridge when you get to it. When my h awakened, it took him a year to get me back on board

AND we went to Retrovaille and a personal growth workshop we'd been to years earlier, to get back on track AND get new tools.

Your h refuse to get tools for a better marriage.

You can get some tools for YOU to GAL and become independent of him.

Or you can stay stuck.

I'm sorry, but I just don't see that much different in your approach from a year ago to now. A few comments are different.

Can you name two specific behaviors you do differently from a year ago when you first came here?

Can you name one GAL activity you do with new people who don't know your situation?

I GAL in the interior of Alaska, in the winter too, and had an infant and two older kids. It's not easy to overcome inertia and the logistical hassles.

But i sure did. And it paid off...we hammer GAL here a lot b/c we know it works.