Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

I said, "DUCK" because of the 2 x 4's coming your way.

I am going to respond to the letter, but, PM, this is pursuing, self serving, and not something you want to send to her. I will tell you that it is not going to have the results you are hoping for.

The point of this letter isn’t to dissect my personal demons, but I was addicted to alcohol and I used it to cope with many things, mainly just to escape myself.

But then that is exactly what you go on to do. ^^^

My personal demons are depression, and the years and methods I spent trying to cope with it. I didn't go into all of that history as it wasn't the point. I was simply framing what I was about to say, which was that I am addicted to her far more than anything else, and always have been. Though my personal demons were what ultimately did us in as a married couple, I didn't address them any further.

Quitting alcohol was easy. It was nothing.

Really? Easy and nothing?

Not even a little bit. I am not lying, exaggerating, or any other "-ing". She came the morning of the BD, the fog that enveloped my mind lifted, and I haven't had a problem since.

I will not say that I haven't had that craving, but it is extremely rare, very mild, and I quickly remind myself that that isn't who I am anymore, and I'm not going back.

Not drinking has not been a problem for me at all. Not at first, and not during the entire year and a half I haven't had a drop.

XW, YOU are the worst thing I’ve ever been addicted to.

Um, read that to yourself again.

It's the truth. Like in this song.

I thought I could move on with my life...move forward with my life while having you around, providing you support when you asked for it, being your friend, but I realize now that I’ve just been feeding my addiction all along and not moving on or forward at all.

And you want to tell her that why^^^?

To explain to her why I need to cut off contact.

I WANT a family. I WANT to be IN LOVE. I WANT to be in love WITH YOU. I want to share my life with someone and put that person above everybody else. I WANT that person to be YOU, but if that is something than can never happen then I am just forcing myself to be stuck in a place where I’ll never get what I want, where I’ll never be happy.

A lot of I wants, up there, PM.

Precisely. As in, I am thinking about ME now and I will not be so utterly absorbed in what SHE wants. *I* am going to be happy and make choices that get me there.

You and I have to be either IN or OUT. You have made it very clear that you are OUT. So I have to figure out how to move on, to move forward so that I can kick my addiction of you and be able to be open to someone else who can be open to me. It would not be fair to a new person in my life to maintain the friendship with you at the level we now have.

Guilt provoking statements, to what end?

To say that cuddling and ML are not "friend"-like behavior and that it needs to stop. It isn't healthy for "friends" to act this way, and it just sets us up for more pain down the road. At the point in time when one of us begins a relationship with someone else, those behaviors will have to cease.

Using me as a filler to make her feel better until she's back on her feet emotionally and can then go find someone else to share her life with is not an option. It was not meant as guilt provoking, but recognizing our current level of personal involvement is unsustainable and I am putting a stop to it now.

So, for lack of a better term, I need to detox. I need time and space to detox from you because you are so intoxicating to me.

PM, I dont even know what to say to that. ^^^

Saying that a woman is intoxicating...that isn't a compliment? If your partner looked you in the eye and said you are "absolutely intoxicating," you wouldn't take that as a compliment?

Perhaps it is coming across differently via text on here and that's what the confusion is/was last night.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say she knows you are still in love with her, sweetie. She has heard and seen it loud and clear.

She probably does, but that was for me. I have said it twice in six months, and since this is my "goodbye" for possibly ever, I wanted to say it one more time. For me.

I agree that we need our independence and that we need to be okay on our own. What we've been doing isn't working for me, so I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with you in my life so much when I am so addicted to you. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me.

Thought that ^^^^ was the original plan. What happened?

I realized that I am actually saying goodbye and not faking saying goodbye. I am actually moving forward, not just saying it.

I will tell you her reaction will not be a good one. You are telling her what you want, that it is her fault because she is addictive, that you cant get over her.

No dbing going on there.

I took my DB gloves off for a moment and for a purpose, and then I put them back on. I can take the 2x4's.

What I said may not have the effect I desire, but what effect do I desire? I did not do this to win her back - I was not playing any games or using any techniques. I was telling her I am moving on from her because I am moving on from her. So her response really doesn't matter. I wanted to say goodbye in my own way. I wanted to be open and honest one last time instead of holding everything in. After I got it off my chest I went back to my apartment and felt relief. Sadness, but relief.

Thanks for going through it. I do appreciate your - and everyone's - input...I REALLY do. I think I come across a little differently online than I do in person, especially because I come here to release feelings and vent. "Differently" as in, I am positive she has wondered whether or not I still love her. So telling her was important to me. I don't know if I'll ever say it again.

-PM