It was really an emotionally draining discussion and it felt like every third or fourth sentence was a punch in the stomach. I was so drained I just laid down on the couch afterwards.
Over the last few days despite trying to close all of this out of my head I keep having flashbacks of the many positives that occurred while she was back at the house. It makes everything so much more confusing. There were moments when out of the blue she would just give me the biggest hug around my neck. Or I would hold S and we would all happily group hug. Or we would move all the furniture, pop popcorn and sit on blankets and pillows watching movies with S. When she first moved back and the weather was nice the three of us would walk to the park - holding hands most of the way. After all I had been through up to that point it was the happiest I had been in a long time.
I guess I say all of that wondering which version of XW was real? That one or the one that says she has no feelings and moves out abruptly. Did she get spooked?
I haven't said much about it here (or anywhere for that matter) - but after the three months and some discussions we made some pretty serious moves with regard to using out final embryo. To the extent that we had consulted with our doctor. One week before she left again we were at the doctors office and she was having an ultrasound to check her uterine lining. We even ordered the first round of injections that she would need and created a schedule for the embryo transfer. We left the doctors office that day happy, excited and holding hands. Again, one week later it all collapsed. Before I take the inevitable beating for doing this, in retrospect we moved too fast and I will freely admit that I got caught up in the extreme happiness of being back together again and the prospect of being a dad to a second little one. It wa exciting....intoxicating. And it ultimately clouded my judgement.
Interesting story relating to this. We were laying in bed one night and she brought up the discussion of the embryo and basically said that we have a limited window to use it (she's turning 40) and clearly expressed that she wanted to move forward with it. I used it as an opportunity to have a honest discussion about my feelings on the matter.
I essentially told her that my primary fear was that we would start this and she would leave again. Then I'd be left with two kids that I miss, more child support and no family. I told her that I did not want that. I think she viewed it as me saying "no" (which wasn't the case) and she became upset.....almost angry, but I remained cool about it. She spoke her piece on the matter and these words stick out to me.....a lot....."I wish that the day would could come, Crimson, when I would propose something and you would just say 'I trust you'".
We didn't talk about it for a few days after that. I really put a lot of thought into it and decided to move forward. One day before our next scheduled appointment with the doctor she left the house. Since that day, not a word has been said about the embryo.
Probably should have introduced this into the discussion here earlier, but I guess I was embarrassed that I "fell" for it. Shame on me.
At the same time, it really makes me all the more confused about her thoughts, behaviors and feelings.
