Thumpered I think it is probably both. I don't know what I did for her to get back in this rut after our family vacation trip. It seemed like it came out of nowhere. She felt smothered based on a comment I made but then retracted that statement when we talked about it.

When she dropped the bomb again on me I am pretty sure my ineffective behaviors shined through making the situation deteriorate quicker. My fear of D brought my anxiety out.

To be quite honest with you as of very recent I screwed up bad. This came up last night and I've been struggling to share this information. I shared with my sponsor just now. Sunday night after she dropped D word again my mind went into spiral. 2 nights ago I was coming up the stairs to use the bathroom before bed and I could hear her talking on the phone. She talks very loudly and I could clearly hear her talking about me. So I continued to go into the bathroom and I was listening in on conversation. Being sneaky. When she came down hall I started brushing my teeth and I was totally busted. She didn't say a word until.....

last night. Here is the bad part. I lied to cover my azz up. This was the first time I truly felt it was time to get separated again. That it is becoming toxic at home. I don't know why I even listened but even worse I don't know why I lied and covered my ass. Part of me wants to admit it to her, but part of me says let it go and don't do it again.

I just shared this with my sponsor via txt. have not spoke in person with him. I know she doesn't believe my lies because she saw right through it.

the fact of the matter everything is on edge at home. Everything I do is under microscope. She told me last night that she is totally convinced my laptop running in basement was running something to steal her passwords. (not even possible, at least with my knowledge) This is her own anxiety and insecurities playing into mine.

Believe me I am doing my work with Alanon and steps but I am very early on in the steps. Step 1. Basically defining some of the characteristics of me. Dishonestly, selfishness, etc..

Do I let this go? I've already lied. Admitting it now would just fuel the flames