And I highly suggest you continue to put you first. Nobody else is in your home, right? Seems silly that nobody is, but that's something to accept. And if you accept that is the reality, even if you feel it should be different, you are left with the question of what to do about it, no? The question is not if somebody should put you first, but whom?
The MLCr is going to do what they do. And they will do it to the exclusion of those around them. Do they notice? Of course. If you give them an inch, will they take a mile? Yep. So for a while you see if it's the "norm" or a blip. Once you see it's not about you and that it is the "norm" then you are the only left to take action. To take a stand. To decide what you will and will not put up with and what that's worth. Not an easy task to be "suddenly" in that position, but it is where you are.
Now what to do about it....
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hello Fellow DBers! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and thoughts which have been so helpful to me these past few days.
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I am not pitying you Portia, but do feel so sorry that you have never felt more than second best, even in the beginning.
Sorry, Linda. I guess I wrote that badly because I was trying to be brief. Once upon a time, I did feel first best in our relationship. In other areas of my life and to other people, I never did. I think that comes from being the person that is always leaned on, it is just assumed that I never needed to have someone to lean on. But you did hit the nail on the head. Whatever relationship I have in future, I want the feeling that I am important - "first best".
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And I don’t feel that I NEED to be done anymore. I just want to enjoy my life and take care of ME right now. I kind of put the R on the back burner right now. I know I’m not done, I still have some hope for reconciliation. However, just like you, I don’t want to initiate any contact with H, I’m past that point. I will respond to him initiating the contact though, if I feel like it.
Bright and BR, I like your perspective. I will not actively DB him or contact him until and unless I feel it is the right thing for me to do. Maybe I don't contact him at all. But I focus on me and on the things that were interrupted due to the events of the past year.
Rock, BR, Linda, Dawn and AJ, I wonder, too if having an MLCer living with the LBS makes a difference in the amount of hope the LBS feels towards whether or not there will be a reconciliation. In reading so many threads in the past year and given your responses, I believe that it is not physical proximity that matters, it is the type of contact that two people have. Many who have separated, reconcile. But when I read their situations, I notice that there is heavy contact including outings and in some cases, still regular sex. How can a person not be slightly hopeful that things will work out in those cases? More so than in my sitch where we have not spoken in three months and had one rather flat five-text conversation? We do not live in the same city. Hope seems futile.
BR, you have always felt me:
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I have often wondered if it would be easier if my H was home too! Rock, I see you have an opinion of NO. But I wonder the chances of a reconciliation with them gone like mine is....
Not just because they are gone, but as a result we lose hope and once that is gone, it makes me feel used to even keep trying. I could try to contact him again but I can't help but feel what is the point? As he waltzes around with GF?
I also believe that our individual personalities have a great deal to do with whether or not hope gets fostered or shelved.
Nero, you said:
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no wonder i don't know anything about this all anymore- i don't know him and he sure doesn't know me. we are, strangers who have this long long history- some kind of attachment and no idea at all what it means now and what to do with it- or about it. i stumble forward -
I could not agree more. We had this history. HAD. But our recent history and present is so different and painful.
So, I am learning that as hope dies, it hurts. I am learning how to work through the pain as well as accepting, like Bright and BR, that this time is for ME.
AJ, putting yourself first is not automatic even when there is no one else in the house. I love living alone and the space it affords me and I have been doing it a long time. The only thing my xSO will know about me, if he even thinks of me, is that I texted him two weeks ago. The last thing I know about him for a fact is that he had a week of holidays in June. And he did not contact me or try to see me. I accept that his crisis is not about me. But they do blow our lives to bits, don't they?
Portia, please read Linda's thread about Holly - she divorced her h, he was away, and they reconciled. Took years.
Her story is inspirational, not least because you realize that even if he had not come back she would have been fine. That woman was and still is amazing.
I know I will be fine without him. My life will just be different. I am no longer stuck on all the plans that we made that I was looking forward to and that were finally on their way to becoming a reality. The most ironic thing about MLC, I think, is that we finally got to an age where we had good vacation time, were financially stable and could enjoy what we had worked for. And he decided to throw it away - throw me away.
"I know I will be fine without him. My life will just be different. I am no longer stuck on all the plans that we made that I was looking forward to and that were finally on their way to becoming a reality. The most ironic thing about MLC, I think, is that we finally got to an age where we had good vacation time, were financially stable and could enjoy what we had worked for. And he decided to throw it away - throw me away."
That IS the hardest and most ironic thing about MLC, Portia. I agree. When you've been with someone almost 20 years, as you have, you feel that you have really gotten to know them. You know how they will react, and trust that they love you. That they will continue to love you thru thick and thin. You feel settled, content. You finally have enough money and time to have some fun together. And he goes crazy and throws it all away! So heartbreaking.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Yep, it's not easy to put us first. My assertion is that nobody else is going to do it, and we're worthy of it. Being first. In the vacuum, I'm suggesting to step up and be the one. One's own best friend.
It's not the journey anyone expected, per se. It's just the journey we're on. I'm thinking it is a good time to make the most of it.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You can do it Portia. Can put yourself and your needs first for a change. Like AJ says, this IS "a good time to make the most of it." Have a nice summer, do things for you, continue to grow in peace and wisdom. If you feel like contacting him, and can do it without destroying your confidence and inner peace, great. If not, also great. Let this be your time.
You wrote "Hope seems futile....Not just because they are gone, but as a result we lose hope and once that is gone, it makes me feel used to even keep trying. I could try to contact him again but I can't help but feel what is the point? As he waltzes around with GF?"
I know your SO is going to wake up some day and realize what he lost. At that point, it will be up to you to decide what YOU want to do. Holly wrote that "I did not interfere in his affair. It ended a natural death....all relationships built on cheating and broken trust only had one place to go. To the toilet" You know that OW slut is using your SO as a safety net Portia, and that she is just a bandaid for him. I think he likes her kids more than her! You may be right that she is back in his life, but that just means their affair hasn't died its natural death yet. It will!
Hang in there Portia. The pain will continue to get fainter in time and you will continue to grow stronger. Love you!!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
But as my dear friend uRworthy says - there is always hope if you want there to be. Always.
It would be hard having zero contact with the MLCer. That must be difficult for you to have no idea what is going on with him.
Having them at home is hard in a different way. All their craziness and bad, hurtful behavior is right in your face, day after day.
But otoh, you do get to see them cycle and change. And you see that they aren't exactly living the high life, you see the pain they try so well to hide.
No one can take away the history you still have, and will always have, with your SO. You get the honor of remembering that and keeping it alive in your heart.
There is a lot of good info on the hero's spouse website, especially about affairs. It has helped me many times. One of the things I remember reading was that it can take a long time for the A to end, many drama filled starts and stops in between, but it will ultimately end.
I like the Holly quote Linda posted about not interfering with the A, it will end up in the toilet. Where it rightfully belongs if you ask me lol!
Keep working towards putting you first - you most certainly deserve it
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I do not thnk I could have lived with my MLCer. hard though it has been to have virtually zero contact, it has enabled me to heal, make a new life, and see there are worse things than being alone.
Just has a long talk with the h of a good friend of mine who is rapidly becoming an alcoholic. But denies it totally. I do not envy them their relationship one little bit. I am much happier and more fulfilled on my own than with someone dysfunctional.
So I raise my glass to all of you who copes with an in-house/high contact MLCer. I used not to think this way, and missed my xh but now I realise I am better off without a crazy person in my life, and in my face.
I can vouch for the long, on and off, drama filled affair ultimately ending, and not well.
But the relationship takes a lot out of the MLCer, imo. On a good day I feel sorry for them, and on a bad day exasperated and angry. There are far more good days now!!
Bea -- I just finished reading all of your threads, both your personal ones and your threads regarding MLC. And...holy crappola. No you could not have lived with your MLCer. I am grateful that mine is still home, but heartily wished him gone for a few months during a horrible wild "anger" stage he went thru back in Spring 2011. But most of the time, except when he periodically goes mad and spews MLC craziness, our days together over the past 3 1/2 years have been calm and friendly. But YOUR xH seems to be a strange crazy man, who turned mean and stayed there. I agree, you're MUCH better off without this crazy person in your life.
I like what TVS wrote about affairs lasting a long time, being drama filled, and ultimately ending, from the Hero's Wife site. Thanks for adding that the affairs will ultimately end, "and not well."
