Up in the air, LONG

[Demoted26]

I have been lurking for about 6 months, reading & attempting to gather insight and apply it to my sitch (which I plan to fully share, this is gonna take time to write out). I am on a Tablet using Swype and have arthritis, so forgive me in advance for blatant errors!

I have a question for you all, and I'm reacting to what was said & am having a VERY hard time detaching & being objective.

when my husband &i separated last Oct. he gave me the ILYBNILWY speech, wanted to legally separate &"he couldn't see us together right now, but maybe someday", told me he wanted us to continue being "best friends", wanted me to"fight for him", but that he wanted "space & time to figure things out". On bad days, at first, when we argued he told me he hasn't loved me in 10 years (thats when he had aEA/PA with a coworker so that really stung), only still slept with me"because he could" (he appologized almost immediately for saying that, even in the heat of the argument), & that he just wanted to "enjoy what was left of his life". He was born with a bad heart & his doc (could kick her) once told him he'd probably only live to about 50 (as if he had an expiration date). Surprise!! He's in his late 40's& now this!!

At the same time he was hanging out with new friends who were divorced, in bad relationships, or ending relationships/divorcing. These people have become all powerful on his life. They (both a man & a woman) pretty much think & do no wrong. Anything I say had to be verified through them. Lately this seems to have relaxed a bit...but for awhile it was seriously annoying! I've met these people, fed them & shared holidays with them in my home before BD. They seemed friendly enough, but have since counseled my husband that "divorce us hard at first, but you'll get over it & so will everyone else". They both had young kids when they divorced & thought the kids were happier after..have told my husband he will be happier after too.
Anyway, in Oct-Feb we were friendly, but there was definite tension/uncomfortable vibes between us on weekends (we live together every weekend as he stays on friends&families couches weekdays 2 hours from home for work, unrelated to us..other than his BD coincided with his forced relo).

I was begging & pleading Oct.-Jan. To work it out, he shut me down hard each time. Since then I haven't mentioned our R, and only thing I've heard is he told our son (by text, sigh) on Feb.28 that he thought he had "pretty much decided he wanted to divorce, that we'd all be happier, and that he wanted to get an apartment with son". Son said he didn't see how we'd all be happier if he took that path, but the decision was his to make.

H hasn't told me this personally beyond an argument in late Feb. about me asking to try "for 3 months to reconnect on weekends" where he told me "i told you I was done on Jan. 3, I thought you got it". Only other R talk was our son relaying H apparent divorce decision conversation to me in early April. I said "i understand that" in a phone conversion with son that husband overheard. He's seemed fine leaving it at that.

So, after a few tense weekends things have slowly started becoming more friendly. We go do things together as a family when the kids are around, we do things the two of us when he comes back to our house on weekends. We go out to eat, comedy shows, flea markets, drives, etc. normal stuff we'd always do. We act as if we're still married & have continued to sleep together both literally & figuratively. The sex is good overall, we haven't argued over the usual daily crap since Oct. , and our R since Feb.
The arguing was a HUGE part of why he left...we'd been snappy & short with eachother for about 18 mos. (since his new friends became so powerful &i could suddenly do NOTHING right. I think he had an EA with the bisexual female who claimed to be on & out of a 9 year Gay relationship. They are since back together-ish & the EA seems to have cooled). I was also frivolous with money/spending...not huge amounts, but it bothered H & I blew it off because we were talking small amounts. Still, it broke trust & added to this situation.
Since H left I've done some 180s...lost 65 pounds sure to not being able to eat, present myself much more nicely since I only see him weekends, have dropped all R talk, am friendly & try to have PMA (I've been treated for depression & chronic pain , so that helps.. I had a couple of slips, not many, on bad pain/emotional days but I'm much, much improved...plus I'm a natural pessimist & he's a natural optomist..so that always made him crazy), I've totally controlled my anger...its simply left me in this crisis & I see how much time and energy I wasted on it for most of my life.I've sought counseling, but sadly the group closed down &i can't afford anything at the moment as I'm a housewife with disabilities. Finding a job has been a disaster thus far (he's pushing me to work to pay bills & I'm fine with that...but I can't FORCE someone to hire me as much as I wish I could). I'm not in high demand being disabled, 45+, &a 25 year SHM who stupidly never got training for anything. I was happy as I was, and enjoyed my husband, family, life.

Lately things have seemed better, closer. He's made several comments about how much he hates living 2 hours away, how he misses daughter &I, the house, his bed. How he wants to move home if I can find a job too offset the money he will lose by changing locations (there's not much of the type of work he does in our area, our house is recently purchased/underwater so we can't sell, and rent on a 1 bedroom apt. in the area he's at now would be 2x more than the mortgage we pay). Last week he told me her liked the fact that I worry about him (he rides a motorcycle) & said he "worries about me too, believe it or not".

Wed.my dad had open heart surgery, he stayed with me all day at the hospital & spent the night with me at my dads house. He have me a comforting hug & told me my Dad would be ok...and my dad did do really well.:)
Today I am home & he is at work. I texted him " thank you for being there for me for the surgery & after, I appreciate it & it helped me cope much better than I would have".
Now, I almost had myself convinced we might reconciling soon. But his response today dropped my heart to my knees. He replied, Your dad & you mean a lot to me.I'm glad I could be there."

I'm not sure why I took it so badly...
I think with that I realized its STILL one sided love, not rociprical, not the near the emotional level response that would indicate he lived me, our the reconciliation I'd been dreaming was coming. Damn expectations!! I know I shouldn't have them, but I do.

I'm trying to work on that...but that and detaching are NOT going well for me. I'm a black & white person, with low patience...so this is working my emotional growth in a huge way. If I detach I will let him go &i don't think I'd ever allow myself to trust in "us" again.
Funny, because"us" is history. And if we got back together, I'd want it to her different...because obviously it didn't work before.

I guess I just don't understand how he comes home every weekend and WANTS to spend time doing all our usual things if he doesn't love me & no longer wants to be married. I count do that if the figure was on the other foot.

He hasn't filed, so thats been keeping my hopes up that maybe, with my changes, & an improved work situation, we could become a family again.
He comes from parents married 46 years until his father passed away. In 11 years his mom hasn't looked at another man. My mom died when I was 10..my dad remarried his affair partner from work 4 months later, had a baby, then they divorced. My step mom hated me. Because of growing up in that situation I was 100% faithful, never had an affair. To me, THAT & being home/reliable was how I showed my love of him. I guess that it was fruitless, I wasn't giving him what he needed. I only wish it were, because I adore him, 26 years later.

I admit I have bigtime codependency & abandonment issues.
I've tried to GAL, but with anxiety attacks (prior to this, only aggravated by it now), depression, physical disabilities (RA&a debilitating joint disorder) and NO money I'm having a hard time. I have no one to talk to outside the forum except my kids &i can't really discuss this with them, as I don't want them to feel put in that position! I only have my dad (not a warm & fuzzy kinda guy) & one best friend across the country (also ill, so I can not bother her). Basically this forum is my only outlet for discussion.

I'm basically a hot mess, spinning, and trying to find some direction while being utterly confused & overwhelmed.
I guess mostly I'm wondering should I just give up after 8 months if as close to caring as he can give me is "you mean a lot to me"?!

Basically, if I move on, I do not want to stay in contact/remain friends with him, but it will kill me to lose him as he's been the very most important person in my life, for over half my life.
But, if he truely wants to divorce, I want him to be happy...but I personally cant be happy watching him fall in love with someone else & them live the life WE had dreamed of, or better. Does that make sense?

I mean, I stood by him through long, difficult (near death) health crises, family deaths, financial problems, even affairs that I said I could NEVER forgive...because I trotsky loved him. But he gave up on me in my own health crisis, and personal lost time (depression/pain)..

I guess that right there is what hurts the most. We weren't perfect & needed to pull together and make changes...but instead he gave up. I never would have, he & my family meant to much to me, and I THOUGHT we could overcome anything. He is still a good guy, though. And that makes he wonder if I'm just an old obligation he feels tied to, add guilt is the motivation to keep coming around.
I hope not, because that would be the most better pill to swallow.

[Demoted26]

My dad had a set back last night at 1 am. He had to be rushed back to the ICU & re-intubated. It sounded grim, but I knew nothing...I was sound asleep. So hubby got a text from son that all this was going on. He got up, got ready to bring me back to the hospital 3 hours away.
So, he decided to grab my phone & go through it to get my brothers cell number & let me sleep, knowing I was exhausted & gonna freak out once I got this news my Dad had crashed.
In the process he found stuff I'm embarrassed about. I feel like a school girl with a crush who got busted fawning over the popular boy in school who doesn't know you exist.
I have saved texts from him since April that in any way gave me hope to hold on. I also had done Google searches "I mean a lot to him? Meaning" &"divorce busting". Sigh

Ever since he's withdrawn from me. Still friendly, but I got an anemic hug when he left & he made a couple of comments this weekend about things "we" could do (travel to Hawaii) someday, then comes up with , "I'm not trying to get rid of you, but you should move to your dads to take care of him".
Well, one, the hospital says my dad is doing ok now (he had an ulcer that caused last nights problem), but will have to go to a nursing home after ther hospital to gain strength...and two, my dad lives with my brother & SIL (a nurse) & there is literally NO ROOM for me to go there.

So, I'm as confused as he apparently is. I don't know where to turn, what to think.

[Demoted26]

This is so hard, moderation takes so long. I have no one to talk to & no advice from anyone outside my own head.
I'm struggling not to ask my husband if he still wants the divorce ( I definitely DO NOT, so I am HOPING I can just continue to STFU, and not do it)...but I'm growing weary of hurting & am beginning to wonder if he wants this divorce, & may never change his mind, would it just be easier to rip the Band Aid off in one quick motion & no longer fight this constant sorrow?!
Its all becoming too much on top of my dad going in & out of ICU with complications from his open heart surgery.

Sad part is, I'm worrying more over him than my Dad!! what a jerk I am!! In my defense, my dad & I have a complicated and not too stable relationship after I was 10 (emotional distancing due to his new wife not wanting to"share" him with me, taking some if the blame of their divorce on me...& physical abuse for years by both step mom & my dad).

I especially feel stupid being so consumed, after all this time, because H told me yesterday that he worries constantly over his job situation (which means that takes precedence over the break up of our 26 year marriage. Ouch.). He even told me, "It's 15 years of my life, I'm not just going to get over it". Well, yeah...but didn't you just tell me a few months ago that "divorce will be sad at first, but we will get over it"?! Double ouch.

I attempted to ignore that comment emotionally slapping me at that moment & validated ( I think) his work concerns by saying I understood how dissapointing it must be after so long with the company, & with a great work history. It especially sukks since he enjoyed the job -until recently- and is good at it ( new VP at the company dislikes him, and two other coworkers, and plans to lay them off).

Its added stress we just don't need. I believe the stress/schedule of this job has a LOT to do with why we he feels we "grew apart", not to mention that left him spending WAY more time with the work friends over me...before the first relocation we spent almost all our time together (by choice). They were a tight group of 2 men, 3 women...and that pretty much spelled disaster for our marriage when these people began divorcing & he began discussing having a sick spouse with the pretty blonde in the group who also had a sick spouse.

I just wish he'd have been more transparent about how he was feeling. I thought MOST of our problems/stress were related to his job & so did our daughter who lives with us. His daily ranting was always centered on the job & we would listen and try to help. But I had no idea how much more he was unhappy with. On BD I found out. I'm trying to fix what I can. But so much is stunk out of my hands. I struggle with that.

[Demoted26]

H texts me often every day, starting with "Good Morning, Hope you slept good" as soon as he gets to work, then chats about anything & everything (except our R) throughout the day & evening (if he's not staying at his buddys house. If he stays the night there he is off the grid until morning).
I rarely initiate a text, but respond to his anywhere from immediately to within a coupler of hours...should I continue responding to him in this way?

I respond with friendly chat, jokes, etc. He only has the one close friend at work in the new location. I figure remain his friend & confidant...one, because I enjoy talking to him & he IS my best friend...and two, because this might be a way back into his heart. Maybe he'll see WHO has stayed in touch & been a TRUE friends when it would be easier to turn away.
Our son & daughter have both distanced from him despite my asking them not to, explaining how hard my life was not having a close/steady
relationship with my own dad.

[AnotherStander]

Hello and welcome!

Since H left I've done some 180s...lost 65 pounds sure to not being able to eat, present myself much more nicely since I only see him weekends, have dropped all R talk, am friendly & try to have PMA (I've been treated for depression & chronic pain , so that helps.. I had a couple of slips, not many, on bad pain/emotional days but I'm much, much improved...plus I'm a natural pessimist & he's a natural optomist..so that always made him crazy), I've totally controlled my anger...its simply left me in this crisis & I see how much time and energy I wasted on it for most of my life.

Great, those sound like excellent 180s!

I think with that I realized its STILL one sided love, not rociprical, not the near the emotional level response that would indicate he loved me, our the reconciliation I'd been dreaming was coming.

I think you're right, he's keeping you on the hook as a backup plan in case he changes his mind in the future but he's not interested in R for now. This is actually pretty common with WAS's.

I guess I just don't understand how he comes home every weekend and WANTS to spend time doing all our usual things if he doesn't love me & no longer wants to be married.

Because he wants that safety net to fall into in case his new plans don't pan out.

I've tried to GAL, but with anxiety attacks (prior to this, only aggravated by it now), depression, physical disabilities (RA&a debilitating joint disorder) and NO money I'm having a hard time.

Anxiety and depression are not excuses to not GAL, because GAL is what will HELP with those issues! And money is no excuse either, because GAL can be as simple as going to the park to watch the clouds go by. GAL just means get out of the house and do something! Live life!

I guess mostly I'm wondering should I just give up after 8 months if as close to caring as he can give me is "you mean a lot to me"?!

Define what you mean by giving up. If you mean you've been pursuing him and you want to give that up because it's not working, then yes, do stop that right away. You admitted you're codependent and it sounds like you remain so even after being S'd. You've got to find yourself and leave your H alone.

But, if he truely wants to divorce, I want him to be happy...

People do get divorced thinking that it's the road to happiness, but it's not.

But he gave up on me in my own health crisis, and personal lost time (depression/pain)..

Are you harboring anger and/ or bitterness over this? That's easy to do, but it will prevent you from personal healing and growth. You've got to heal yourself before you have any hope of your M healing.

[Demoted26]

Hi AS, THANK YOU for taking the time to read all of that & respond! I took over sn hour to respond, dropped my phone, and lost the whole thing!! Acckkk!!
Will start again...
Am I harboring bitterness regarding him giving up on me?
At first I thought out was purely hurt, but no...there IS bitterness. I adjusted to him & his quirks, forgave things I said I never could, loved him through some SERIOUSLY hard times & situations.
For him to throw in the towel when the problems were more mine & HE had to bend/cope & instead he gives up? Yeah, that stings. Bigtime. I now know his love for me wasn't the thing I believed it to be.

Am I pursuing him?
Yes, I am...but I allie him to drive the tone & amount of pursuit. Hes strange that he is also pursing me & seeking my pursuit of him. I tried distancing & that did not work. He became more distant, unfriendly.
If I flirt if he's flirty, am understanding when he needs it, he gives the same back. Its really weird. Occassionally I probably overstep, but I trey to be VERY concious of how far I allow myself to go. I know him well enough that I watch closet for signs of withdrawl.
He's very much into keeping in close touch, texting, visiting, etc.
We do not talk on the phone (I NEVER call). Otherwise he is in touch from 5:30am when he wishes me a good morning, until he leaves quirk our goes to sleep. Sometimes as late as midnight. I respond in kind, but do not initiate the conversations not keep them going. He does. It's so unusual...he doesn't for the mold for sure!

My definition of giving up?

No longer holding out hope that he will again move me as a wife, consider me an integral part if his life, a partner.
I struggle with just turning away & keyring him do his thing. He days hes not sure if he would our wouldn't be happier without me in his life. I guess that hurts my ego AND my heart. Would it be faster to just "rip off the Band Aid"?

GAL?
Guess I've done more than I thought. I take my dogs walking/ swimming at the river, daughter & I go out to eat or shop. I go to fruit markets, dog play group (where I volunteer for the trainer to offset costs). I went to a pet festival/concert with my Great Dane, alone...that was huge for me.

[Demoted26]

Sorry that last one was so rough to decipher. Some days posting from the phone is ok, others not so much!

H found he may be laid off this Friday. Hes invited me on a Vegas trip to get away & relax if he gets a decent severance package. We never really got to travel. I was happy to get invited, but tried to play it cool.
Hes asked me to make the hotel plans/choices if we go.
Men are confusing!

[Demoted26]

My dad now has aspiration pneumonia following his open heart surgery a week ago t He was originally projected to come home from the hospital today. Now he's delirious & on antibiotics with no release date in sight.

I need my husband & best friend to lean on right now.

I was there for him when his dad was sick in the hospital, & then passed away.
Hes visiting my dad for me since I'm 3 hours away, which is awesome....but I just wish I could be there, curl up & have him hold me & soothe me.


I'm tired of being strong. This is just too much.

[Demoted26]

This is almost impossible with moderation set up the way it is....
Not really sure what to do, I guess find another venue for advice.

[Demoted26]

My dad is having setbacks with his recovery. Its so hard to hear the docs tell me he's up & not confused...then when I call he rambles on about imaginary things. I guess this is common in older people after a bypass, but that doesn't making talking to a "crazy" person easier!!

H was texting with me at the time I got three text that he was awake, do I told him I planned to call. After I "spoke" to my dad (more like listened to him hallucinate)I texted him back, "yeah, he's coherent. NOT!" Then told him singer if the bizarre stuff my dad was saying (how he'd been trying to track me down all day for a ride home& was upset I wasn't there yet, how he was having surgery tomorrow but could I put it off he was too tired, how his car was lost & his refrigerator too full of food that he wasn't hungry to eat, but the nurses kept force feeding him, how he wanted to go to his cabin, and that her had to go to court).
I was upset, if thought I was going to be talking to him &, he was"better" today.I told H, "This [censored]! It's is too much all at once".(H may be getting laid off tomorrow too). He replied back, " He's ok dear, just give it time. I have to go, we are going out to dinner & drinks. It's the"last supper here at work.lol"
Wow.