T, I'm sorry your kids are having such a hard time. Mine are doing ok academically although S16 went from straight A's to mostly B's. They both have had signs of PTSD and said they have a hard time paying attention in school. Emotionally, it's hard to say. They tell me more than anything they miss me being home with them. Wanting the very best for my boys has brought me to this very tough decision point. No matter what, they can't have another school year like the last two. Wondering what my H is going to pull next and whether we will have to move or not has taken it's toll on all of us.
Hang in there, T. It's so hard when your spouse goes crazy. Keep holding down the homefront for your kids.
I keep receiving H's mail. I told him over a year ago that I would no longer hold it for him. Last week I received a second notice for his car registration which was due in May. I tossed the first one and the second. Not my problem. Today I received his new credit card which can only be activated from our home phone. He must receive his statement electronically, but I receive everything else. Last year when he renewed his license (new picture and all) he used our address even though he was living with his gf by then. I do not understand why he isn't changing his mail. I know he has a post box near work, but for some reason he isn't using that and/or his home address for all of his mail.
I noticed that H used his co-workers phone (I doubt the guy would call me, especially early in the morning) to call my home phone yesterday. I had already left for work, but wouldn't have answered. There was no message, just several calls on the log. I haven't blocked H from that phone in case of an emergency, so I'm not sure why the need to use someone else's phone.
No matter how much I read about MLC I can't wrap my mind around it. It's been the worst experience of my life.
If you know his po box number, maybe have the mail forwarded?
I know im my state your not allowed to have a po box on a drivers lic. why he cant use OW's is interesting. The address thing might be about insurance?? Are you still getting a multi-car discount type thing....maybe? If he lists other address insurance changes might kick in? I'm sure he doesn't want to pay for a new policy. im guessing here. Phone thing is also interesting, unless he doesn't want you to know GF's phone number, no idea as you might have it already, another guess.
I would not throw things out, I would simply mark them "Not at this address" and put them back out in the mailbox.
As for your move - sounds potentially good on the surface. I like the idea of a small mortgage that allows you to have more time for your kids (but what will you be living off of if you don't work? Are you thinking the child support/alimony would be enough? Please don't spend down savings or retirement accounts).
However - if this other location has such cheap housing, how is the job market? What will employment opportunities be like for you there in the future? Are salaries as good? I like the idea of you being close to your best friend.
And are you positive that H will sign off on your moving out of state? Get that in writing ASAP.
T, you may be right about the insurance. Both of our cars are on the same policy even though I've asked him repeatedly to get his own insurance. There's not a big difference in the premium.
As for the phone call, he can call from his cell phone or work. I don't know whether he and his gf have a home phone. I know nothing about her, them or where they live. I only know they live together. The rest is a big secret.
I won't forward his mail. He's been gone since 12/11, so he's had plenty of time to notify his creditors, etc. It seems he just doesn't want to take care of all of the details that come with leaving your family and home. He packed one suitcase and fled.
H just doesn't seem that together. I wonder if his co-workers see a difference. He has an executive position and manages about 100 people. He used to be highly regarded. I don't know about now. He may be fine in the business world.
KML, support money will be more than enough. I will work at some point, but may go back to school first. Lots to consider.
Regarding the mail, he needs to put in a change of address. It's annoying. However, if it gets returned maybe a note will be made on the account. I'm tired of cleaning up the mess he's made.
As far as H agreeing to my move, he has in the past, but anything with him can change. He could make it difficult, but my attorney is certain there won't be a legal issue. H doesn't want any custody and has put that in writing. It will also be very clear that if I have to sell my house staying in my area will be a financial burden. Rent is sky high and home sales are booming with bidding wars. The boys and I would be in a small apartment. I won't waste money on that. I need to think of my future. Buying elsewhere with a very low mortgage makes the most sense long term. We'll see. It's a big decision. One I was hoping to make once I got the boys through school, but I may not have that option.
Yes, I can relate to that. The move sounds good for lots of reasons. Fresh start with support. You may find that in a couple of years your stbx will want a relationship with his kids again (that was my experience with a mean and angry spewer) They than have trouble understanding why their children don't roll out the red carpet, but are cautious and guarded. Then again he might vanish into the sunset. But as Snodderly points out they rarely leave us alone for good.
On the post, again typical MLC behaviour. Someone else;s problem as far as he is concerned. Not focused on anything really. Probably doing his job on auto-pilot with good support from above and below.
GM, Many of them leave the addresses the same until we put our feet down about it. When you receive mail for him, annotate on the front of the envelope "Return to sender. No longer at this address." That way it returned to the sender and if your h says anything, you can advise him that his mail returned. I went through the same problem, except my xh had 5 mailing addresses. His lawyer gave me two choices (1) hold the mail and allow him to enter the home to retrieve it; or (2) forward the mail on to her office. Hello? There was a third choice...change his mailing address. When they realized I wasn't stupid, she advised him to change his address. It's not that difficult to do and it can be done on line these days.
Now about the insurance, no more waiting on him. Advise your insurance agent of your situation and have them set you up w/you own policy as soon as possible. The reason being is that if he has an accident or a number of violations, the rate will go up. It's important that you do not wait on him to do anything because he will not do it.
GM, I wasn't surprised at all to read about the mail, insurance, and driver's license. They all do it to some degree. As for the phone calls, not surprised at all. Don't be surprised if you get more of them. It's his way of checking up on you.
BTW, yes, they expect us to clean up their messes, just like kids, but we shouldn't...we need to hold them accountable for their actions and the best way to do that is by doing what we have all suggested w/the mail and insurance. Cut the strings and allow him to face the consequences of his actions. Had you done this to him, I can assure you, it wouldn't have been as nice as you have been about all of it.
Hang in there. I think you've been handling everything beautifully.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel deep in grief once again. I miss my old self so much. I'm so afraid that I won't fully recover from this trauma. I look around and see happy, joyful people and families and I want so much to be like them again. I want my kids to feel loved, secure and valued. How will they ever know that again?
I am trying so hard to rebuild my life, but there seems to be ongoing opposition due to the D. According to a letter my attorney received today H is once again demanding that the house be sold and has filed a motion for joint custody. However, he doesn't want physical custody (too much work and cramps his style). That throws a wrench in my plan to move this summer. The hearing isn't until the end of July so I can't go anywhere. It will take months to get another hearing to consider my request to move. All of this just so H can see the boys for a few hours every other weekend. That's all he is asking for.
My needs and wants don't matter. H was able to pack up and leave without any regard for the boys. The law doesn't prevent children from being abandoned, but I can be prevented from moving so the boys and I can have a better life. I don't understand. Right now I hate H for all that he is and what he's caused. It's still all about him.
Your kidz will know theyre loved, cause you will provide what they need. Its that simple. Sounds like you need to all get out of the house for a bit, there a lake, a park, mini golf?
If you sit still you wallow, if you keep busy you discover. Dont let his actions dictate your life. Stand up for yourself. No one can do it for you. Dont be afraid to find out you can have fun for yourself.
