Odga, i have to agree with the others! It's just a day, I tried to forget what day it was. In fact, friends took us out last night, they had no reservations! I told them; let me make a note that next year we don't go out on V-day!
Often since the Bomb dropped I have had a gut feeling that I should call C or go over to see C and I always have gone with that feeling. Once we had a great date to the Zoo because I called and went over. Another time I had a nice visit. And of course the last time when I found her in the hot tub and saved her life.
Well, I went to work out this afternoon and when I got back I got the gut feeling to call her. I was thinking that it really was too early in the afternoon since on the hot tub day she had gone out around 5 to get the margaritas. I kept thinking she likely is doing that again and I should wait till around 7 or so. But the gut feeling kept saying call now. C and I have always had close thoughts, often finish each others sentences, once in the middle of a business day while we were each doing our own things in the office we even sent the red hearts on the IM to each other at the same time.
Well I called her and she answered. I sounded very plesant and upbeat and she did too. In the course of the conversation she said she got my V-Day card and thanked me for it then asked if I did anything special for V-Day. told her not really. She said she didn't either - but since it was raining all weekend she stayed in all day Saturday and cleaned out various "catch-all" places in the house, and then later went over to see her Uncle and Aunt (the ones in the upper 80's that I mentioned earlier in a post and the same uncle that said "God, I love that woman) I told her that I had been thinking of them over the weekend and asked how they were. [See how we think alike, while she was seeing them, I was thinking of them - maybe my talking about his statement last Wed. nite made her think about them and go over to see them?] anyway she did not see OM over V-Day.
We had very plesant talk and she said that she was going to go to Sis house in a few to baby sit the niece and nephew (the ones I care alot about too) Told her to tell them hi for me and that I need to see them again soon.
Told her that I had several Dr. appts this and next week and she said "yes, with the Dr. the Dentist and the Counselor and all" (interesting that she mentioned the Counselor) I asked her if she had gone back to see her Counselor. She said not yet but had appt this Thursday night but may not go as he charges $135/hr. She was wondering when my next session would be and I told her none scheduled at this time but could do the phone sessions quickley if needed.
All in all a very plesant phone call in which she shared several concerns she had about other things in her life and business and I gave her a good ear to listen - and If I had waited til 7-ish to call she would not have been there and my ASSumptions would have been worse. As it is, I had a plesant conversation and did a knock out on my ASSumptions. (And also gave her 4 days without any contact to give her some space)
All this about the OM has really knocked me down but I guess that I am not out yet. I will keep DBing and I hope that unconditional love will will out in the long run.
I don’t know how the OM could NOT have “knocked you down” . How awfully jolting and my heart goes out to you.
Did the four days of backing off offer anything to you as well as giving space to the R? (Just wondering?) It appears that your intuition is something to be trusted, as it tends to work for you, right?
I wonder if your unconditional love might actually take on more significance to C, now that she is no longer hiding the OM R from you? Before when you were caring, she may have been able to discredit your efforts by thinking: “If he only knew about the OM, then he wouldn’t love me.” Now, that your efforts are continuing “in spite of the OM”, she may trust that more. I don’t know, I only wonder about that.
Also, she had a choice that hot tub night, didn’t she? How that night became so critical - if she clearly chose those destructive behaviors or by accident, it does not seem known. What you do know is that she talked to you and knew YOU would be the one coming by. Not the OM.
I continue to offer my support to you, OGDA. You continue to stay the course as best you can and stay true to your goals and your integrity.
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Odga, See, where did ASSuming get you? I agree with Laurie~counselor here! Your unconditional love will win now, just keeping hanging in there being C's friend!
Way to go with that "gut" feeling1 My gut has never been wrong yet. I just have to know the difference better my gut and my heart, LOL
Glad you ordered that book, it is so good! All his books are so far that I've read!
Good point Deb on pointing out the difference between the "gut" (which I like to believe is remembering what has worked in the past and to keep on doing it ) and the heart (which can disregard consequences of an action). Thanks Deb!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Well folks - when it rains it pours - My secretary found a better job - she is giving me 3 weeks notice tho and said she would still work on weekends if needed. She will be VERY hard to replace though. And I will have to work extra hours to compensate who ever replaces her until the replacement is trained for the job.
If anyone out here really knows how a law office works - it is not the Attorney that runs things - it is the secretary.
Oh well - life goes on
Deb I printed your 6 stages of MLC and am reading it now -
Deb and Laurie - thanks for your insight - it really hits home. Laurie - last Wednesday night I did let C know that the OG REALLY HURT me Big time. But even so. my goal was still the same. - told her that when we first met I waited til she was ready to move our R to the next step and that I would wait now til she was ready again. Deb, in looking at the six stages of MLC it seems that she has entered the 5th stage (withdrawal). Althought it seems that she went through the other stages a lot quicker than the times listed in your article, as I feel she started this journey a little over a year ago. The times listed in the article are very depressing though, maybe she will go through this stage quickly too.
odga, All MLCers go through it all differently some go through a couple stages at once. They are aliens and we need to show them we are the boat waiting here until the storm is over. Ever loving, but giving them space. Being a friend even when they feel like they don't deserve one.
No matter how they have hurt us, we are still there. We KNOW they are worth the wait. It's called unconditional love. They just took the wrong path, thats all. Forgiveness is something they think we will never give them. But we know, because we love them enough to be on stand-by.
Don't let the stages depress you; my H goes through slowly on some, fast on others. PATIENCE! LOL! Boy, I have I learned to have tons of that!
Well I had an interesting chat w/ C on the IM this morning before comming to work - I told her about my secretary giving me a notice and she expressed concern over my sit. I told her that it was a good thing that I was already on my AD's and she responded that she was not doing too well on hers and said I don't know what to do. I responded with "you know that you have a friend that you can talk to if you ever need to" After a few sec. she responded thanks. She then asked where my sec was going to and I told her that one of my competors offered her more money. She said that that was not right and I should tell him. I told her that while it might not be right - I was not like that and would continue to be friendly to him and to wish my Sec all the best and would never say anything bad about her for leaving. She responded "I know"
She is still very withdrawn though - I hope and pray that she will respond to her meds with time and come out of her tunnel. and that I have the patience to wait until she does.
odga, AWESOME! Great replies! I'm proud of you! Read more of the book we were talking about. There is one chapter I don't like, but otherwise it's great! He has exercises he wants you to do after each chapter. Great book1
Glad you are still "hanging in there". You know you have no reason to give up right now!
) and the heart (which can disregard consequences of an action). Thanks Deb! 
