hmmm, well so far I didn't tell her anything. She called, but we were in the car on the way to the beach from my sisters, so after she spoke to each of our daughters I spoke for a minute and told her that things were good and since I was on the road, it would be better for her to call me later.
I haven't sent any email about our activities, but based on the feedback I'm going to rethink what I was going to send. My intent was to let her know that life goes on without her, and we're having a good time regardless.
SA, life did go on, you went. You asked for her to call later and she will or won't. Leave it there. When she speaks to D's they will fill her in. You can ask how her trip is, or went, for sure, but don't offer up yours unless she asks.
What a great opportunity for you to spend excellent quality time with Ds!
I haven't sent any email about our activities, but based on the feedback I'm going to rethink what I was going to send. My intent was to let her know that life goes on without her, and we're having a good time regardless.
You're doing fine with being a bit mysterious and detached. Stick with that theme. Like the others said, SHOW her detached, don't tell her. Since you're in pseudo piecing you don't have to be dark or anything, you might text her a pic now and then of the kids doing fun stuff like surfing
yes, I'm not contacting her, but when she called I did speak to her. But I broke off the telephone conversation after about 10-15 minutes telling her that I had to put the girls to sleep (actually true). Today she didn't call.
I agree about not telling her, so no emails. She did email me because she visited her friend that is studying medicine and my lamented to me that it is too late for her to be a doctor. She told me she regrets that he didn't go to medical school 20 years ago. She said she sees her options as "somehow get $250k and go to medical school and work like mad for 10-12 years, or stick with current job and have lots of hobbies to distract her."
I don't think she can be happy with our marriage until she is happy with herself and I wonder if that will ever come.
BTW, for the most part, being here on vacation with my 3 girls, my sister and her family and my parents is enjoyable and I mostly forget about my marriage problems. My girls are very well-behaved so I don't need to do much to take care of them. So we do not really miss her much.
I think family time is critical at a time like this, glad to hear your taking advantage of it. These are the Times our kids will remember forever. No regrets
Enjoying my time with family. I do think of my W, mostly in down times or alone. She has called yesterday evening, which I missed. She then emailed me in response to a picture I emailed her the previous day of our girls, and she ended her email with "love, W", which she never does. Today she called and then texted me that "she is doing a zillion things, but is lonely anyway, but loneliness is good."
I see this as pursuit behavior since we're all away. I plan on calling her later this evening because she'll intepret my silence as being mad at her. However, due to the 3 hour time difference (I'm on east coast and she is on west coast), I expect that she will be at the gym when I call.
Returned from our beach vacation. Return trip was long and tiring. We drove 3 hours from beach to airport. Our flight was delayed due to thunder storms. We then missed our connection in LAX. We were put on the last flight from another airline, which was itsself delayed by an hour. Didn't get home until midnight CA time, after being on East coast time all week. I had to carry my 7 year old who was asleep off the plane.
During our week vacation, I spoke very little to my W. She did call me almost every day, but I did not take the calls every day since I don't always carry my phone. On Friday when she called, I did pick up, but after 5 minutes, I cut her off saying that I had to return since we were doing cake for my sister's husband's b-day. This is only partially true, but I wanted to send the message that life is going on, we're enjoying ourselves without her, and she is not the center of my life. On Saturday she texted me at 11:30pm eastern time "I think I had enough of solitud, miss you." I was awake, so I called her and we spoke briefly.
After arriving home at the airport, my W picked us up. We did not really speak to each other. My oldest daughter was chatty and spoke up my W. At home, we put the girls to bed, and we got into bed ourselves. My W cuddled up against me, I asked her in a somewhat cocky way, "did you miss me" -- she answered yes. We then made love and fell asleep.
In the morning I woke up, dressed, and went to work. My W is taking the day off and was still in bed when I left.
I was thinking that we do not have good communication. We didn't talk about anything. In Oct., there is a Retrovaille scheduled nearby to us and I plan on asking my W to join me. Hopefully by then she would be willing to do something like that. On this board, I've seen others say how good it is for improving communications.
Good job on the slight pulling back, sounds like it had the desired effect on your W
Originally Posted By: SailingAlone
I was thinking that we do not have good communication.
Yeah, you and 99% of us whether happily married or not!
Quote:
On this board, I've seen others say how good it is for improving communications.
Absolutely, it's fantastic! It's a totally different approach to communication. "Graduates" aren't supposed to share how it works because it's most effective if you go in without any preconceptions, but I don't think I'm breaching anything to say that it is not about communicating thoughts and ideas, it is about communicating (and understanding) feelings and emotions. Basically you'll discover that everything you thought you knew about communications is largely missing the mark and what really works is something that has never been addressed in the M. I'm sure you've read about "validation" in DR and also seen it mentioned a lot on these forums, but RetroV is like THE training course on learning validation techniques. RetroV should be required at the BEGINNING of a M instead of when it's in tatters.
Like many here, I have my ups and downs. These two days I've been down. I feel that in some ways DB has been great and turned around my sitch from a W about to walk away to a W that is staying. But she is still missing that loving feeling. Moreover, her actions to lead the single life seem to be increasing in some ways.
On Monday, I asked my W if she was taking July 4th off. She said no, she was going to work. On Tuesday, W told me that on Thursday (July 4th) she had to drive to store 2 hrs away to get handles from Ikea for workers to finish our kitchen (its almost done!). On Wed morning, she asked, "what are we doing July 4th?" while leaving for work. I said, I thought we could go to an open-air concert at 7pm. She said, "alone?" Yes I said.
My W no longer wants to do "family" things alone. She always wants to invite other people now.
Wed at work, I get an email that she is inviting people to our house for a BBQ. Later in the day, I get a text "inviting me to my house" -- I assume the text was sent by accident to me, as well as many other people. At 4pm, she calls me, but I didn't answer. She called my cell, office, and home looking for me. She left a message that she was going to Costco to buy stuff for the BBQ.
Later at 5:30 I texted her that I was running late. I then decided that to just not answer her is playing games. So I texted her again if she bought beer, and that I could pick it up on my way home. She texted back that she bought 3 cases. I'm not sure who she invited but that's a lot.
I get home, and she is gone to the gym.
I had plans for July 4th to take my girls to the parade in the morning. I was thinking that I should still do that. I know she is going to want me to help prepare for the BBQ. My reasoning is that she didn't cancel her gym plans to get ready, why should I cancel my plans?
I expect her to get mad about this. And pointing out that she initially told me she was working, that she didn't cancel her gym plans, etc. is, even if logical, not going to make it any different.
Any suggestions? Should I suck it up and help? Should I carry on? My inclination is to go to the parade to set a sort of boundary that her last minute plans are not my problem. However, DB says not to pick a fight or argue.
