25 I read your post 10x. It is all good and nothing I shouldn't already know..
"I see no evidence of MLC. None of her behavior is new. it's happened before."
This I disagree with. This behavior started happening 3 years ago. 18 months after daughter was born. Everything I read about on MLC fits her bill. I never loved you etc, mood swings, tattoos, blah blah blah blah. Excuse me but you have told us that she ALWAYS does "x" or "y" on day 16 of her cycle. Is that new or not?
And her mood disorder is not ALL due to hormones. But who cares? She won't get treatment...so that's that. I just bring this up so I can research and learn a little bit about what she is going through. I still haven't fixed me. Not even remotely.
Then why spend ANY time on HER? this is the same old behavior you have done before. Focussing on her WHILE saying you are going to do your own work.
If you were only working on you, this stuff about MLC would not get your focus so often. There is nothing you can do about it anyhow. I can't even speak to this again...it's like I'm talking to someone blocking his ears saying "NO I need to label/diagnose her so I can understand"...
But none of us understand why our spouses did what they did. NOT in a satisfactory way. You think she can say "Oh, PON, I have abandonment issues, so I HAVE to treat you this way...I won't change or get counselling..."
and that will do what for you? Make it better? Easier? HOW?
Yes my head is spinning today because I am not sure I want to live my life like this. You are NOT sure you want to live your life like this? Really? I thought this was all about the fact you KNOW you don't want to live like this and or you cannot. AND you may not have any options.
She says AND acts like someone who wants a divorce.
Though She may not file for it , seems she'll make you miserable enough to "make" you file.
Echoing everything you said above. I'm having trouble detaching while living under the same roof. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THE EXACT DATE SHE WILL SPEW, I STILL LET IT HIM ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS Why do you do that? She spewed and said she wants a divorce, has no feelings for you, is unhappy when you are around, etc...
so what is the surprise here? What is it you can do to prepare yourself for her predictable spews?
(And this confuses me. You say it's new, --proof of MLC--but then you say it's totally predictable so it's NOT new...)
Since you know in advance, then why not prepare yourself for a ONE day detachment?
As much as everyone says for you not to move out, it sure sounds as if you can't stay under the same roof. You spin too much with your fears and anxieties even when you know it's coming. Either handle the detachment, and DO IT, or figure out who leaves and when.
That's it PON.
Last night she accused me of going through one of her dresser draws. I was like huh
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
PON, Why are you trying to rationalize insanity? All you are doing is going around and around like a hamster on a wheel. We can only advise you as to what we think may be going on in her head, but she's the only one that can answer questions, but I seriously doubt at this time she would have any rational answers.
If you have read anything at all about depression, mlc or even the baby blues, you will discover they all have some irrational thoughts. Marie Osmond is a good example of baby blues...she hid in the closet, left her husband and did a lot of crazy things. She finally hit bottom and sought help.
The best and only thing you can do is take care of YOU! She uses the divorce/separation card to get you to back off. I believe I may have said that before. You tend to get into her space entirely too much and she senses you watching her every move. Back up, back off! Just leave her alone and work on yourself. Find things to do and learn to accept her for who she is right now...not the nice wifey but a woman who doesn't want you in her space.
What's going on w/your sponsor? Are you not working the steps? Learn to walk away when things appear to be getting a bit testy and find something to do. Go outside, hit a few balls, mow the lawn, take a run, but do something besides allowing your anxiety to get the better of you.
FOCUS ON YOU!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
She just spewed again but i did find some useful nuggets in there. One thing for sure the trust I broke down years ago is not even close to being gained back
But.... She still bringing stuff up from 8 years ago . I told her I can't apologize for that anymore and that was on her to learn to forgive and forget. She didn't like it
PON, How are you coming along w/the 12 steps? Are you touching base w/your sponsor whenever you are getting anxious? You need to continue to do that.
I hate to say this, but there are some people in this world who can't let things go. Yes, you may have had some issues 8 years ago and have corrected them, but whatever transpired back them made a huge mark on her soul and she can't let it go. You've apologized for whatever happened, so now let it go. You can't continue to apologize for it over and over again. The only way to shut it down is not to take her bait and continue that conversation. Walk away and let it go. She needs to be left alone in the boxing ring to fight w/herself until that fire deep in her belly has been extinguished. Right now, you are the materials that are keeping that fire burning hot. Walk away!
PON, actions speak louder than words. Show this woman that you can be the better person here. I don't know if you are telling her of your changes, etc., but I think I would remain quiet about them and just show her how you've changed.
BTW, you need to start a new thread when you have a moment.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly thx for response. Yes I met with my sponsor today. He helped me with some fear based thinking. Situation came up with W when I was meeting with him. W asked me what time I was going to vaca house with kids and I was afraid to make a decision. He said make a decision and stick with it. Stop living your entire life in fear. So I did and she wasn't happy. He told me only answer what is relevant. Do not answer things that put fuel on the fire. She was all of sudden upset I was traveling to vaca house with kids at bedtime. Something we have done in the past often. But I told her that was what I was doing and I never heard back from her again.
He also asked me if I was willing to give up everything to get better. Everything. That hit me hard.
I have a new sponsor now that lives much closer. Same town and he went through the 12 steps and a messy divorce. So that will be help too. I hope and pray he is as strong as my current sponsor.
Yes my W seems to keep bringing up the past. I did not apologize again. I said that I already apologized and it was on her to forgive me not me. She said she couldn't. I said ok
I did bring up that trust is very hard to build back. That every time her pc runs slow, or computer gets hacked, or something is not in order (clothes draw), or my laptop running 24x7 in basement doesn't mean Im up to no good. So we at least got that out on the table. I KNEW she thought I was up to no good even though I wasn't.
I'm not telling her of my changes, but I state I am doing my work and that I am sorry if she feels she isn't seeing any changes.
I asked her to treat me as an adult last night and all she could say was "Why you don't treat me as one"
Some other odd stuff she said. "you come home every night and play with the kids and make yourself look like the father of the year" I said I come home and play with the kids because I love my kids.
She dropped some lines about playing with the kids but not helping her.
She also stated she stays home every night because of me. I said I wish she would make plans when I get home to have a break from the kids. She blamed me for this too.
She also stated she felt like I was manipulative by planting trips to vaca house in the kids head without speaking to her. I reminded her that I did speak with her first about vaca house and that defused that. That me and her didn't have the greatest communication and I want to approach her on things but don't like that it turns out like this.
My sponsor did state if she truly wants a D and you do love her you might have to let her go. Give her what she wants. It wasn't something I truly liked hearing but I do understand it
Sorry just random order of stuff. I still am doing my work. I am actually leaving so late tonight so I can attend my meeting first at 730. That is one thing I told her that I couldn't miss tonights meeting
