As has always been the case, my posts here (especially as of late) are mostly journaling and sharing thoughts by nature. Sometimes physically writing something out helps me arrange thoughts and process - and I am always very appreciative of the help, support and feedback I get here. That is for sure.
What causes me to hold on....
Somewhere after the original bomb date, as the dust began to settle, I had very clear, very vivid, very brief dream. The entire vision in the dream couldn't have lasted more than 15-20 seconds or so. In the dream I was sitting on the edge of my bed reaching into the drawer in my nightstand where I have kept my wedding ring buried since the day I took it off. I pulled it out, and what was once silver was now dinged, scraped, speckled with dirt and a little tarnished. BUT I was putting it back on. And I knew I was putting it back on because we had reconciled. I felt a feeling of happiness and relief.....the. I woke up. I never forgot that dream or that feeling. Knowing that the tarnish on my wedding ring was symbolic of the difficulties XW and I endured (are enduring) during this process. We were restored.
#2 - I know I posted this before right around when it happened back in December, but I felt as if I had a...well....sorta "spiritual" experience at the evening Christmas Eve service at church. I went with S and left him at the church nursery. Needless to say at that point last year I was really lost, in pain, and missing my family. The holidays (as we all know here) are rough. During the service, which was beautiful by the way, I had a moment of clarity and heard in my head "Give her back to me - I still have work to do with her....your work had to come first". I can't explain the feeling of calm, reassurance and tranquility that came over me after that. It lasted for hours. In fact, it really helped me detatch more while she was away with S after Christmas for a week. She reached out a lot at that point asking me how I was doing. Well, maybe not "a lot" but more than usual for certain. That message reduced my fear and anxiety...a lot. But I often wonder if it was a Devine message or if I was just talking to myself/placating.
When XW moved back in I thought it was the climax of that message I received on Christmas Eve. That her work with God had been done and she was back. And I felt the next vision to come into focus was to be me putting my battle-scarred wedding ring back on. Well, then she left again as I have we'll documented here.
Is there something to this? I will be the first to admit that I am not the most hyper-religious man on earth. I DO believe in God and try to maintain some sort of relationship there. I know that I came into that service looking for peace and answers and I left with what I was asking for.
So those two things are why I hold on. They are why went I think about quitting or seriously looking to date someone else I feel like alarms are going off and I'm driving the wrong way in oncoming traffic.
Could that be real? Could it? Or am I just seeing what I want to see and not really getting a higher message on this. There was so much for me to learn in this process about the value of family, separating from my parents to be my own man/family, loving my wife, listening with open ears and heart, being a dad....the list goes on. I feel like there was divine purpose and intent and it is hard for me to ignore.
Just throwing out conversation fodder and sharing the stuff in my head I suppose.
