Swimming Upstream Against the Current

[nero]

hi portia:

just reading around - trying to figure out the parameters of "done" for me - like everyone else.

after about 38 years - i feel alot like you - unwilling to chase - but realize he's a huge part of my life-past-growth, etc.

So yes, we would be starting at the VERY beginning. In fact, I trust a stranger more than I trust xSO to tell me the truth. xSO is a known liar and cheat; the stranger at least gets the benefit of the doubt at first.

sad, but made me laugh a bit at the end- i feel the same.

no wonder i don't know anything about this all anymore- i don't know him and he sure doesn't know me. we are, strangers who have this long long history- some kind of attachment and no idea at all what it means now and what to do with it- or about it. i stumble forward -

oh cripes!!!

good luck-

xxo

[RosaLinda]

Not only would I trust a stranger more, I know a stranger would treat me more kindly than my H does sometimes. Maybe it's easier if the MLCer is still in the same house? To sustain hope, I mean.

[RockJC]

//Maybe it's easier if the MLCer is still in the same house?//

uh...NO

[BRNR]

I have often wondered if it would be easier if my H was home too! Rock, I see you have an opinion of NO. But I wonder the chances of a reconciliation with them gone like mine is....

[BRNR]

Portia,

I also concur with a lot of the other post and feelings of done, decisions, and time.

I can tell you, I am not putting any effort into reconciliation or being done.

I am just being right now.

[RosaLinda]

Having the MLCer in the house is HARD, but at least I can see him and interact with him. Touch him a bit, even if it annoys him I think seeing him is what is helping me to hope, RockJC. Why do you say NO so vehemently?

[RockJC]

I am not sure about the chances of reconciliation, but the chances of me getting completely fed up and filing myself are much higher with her in the house.

[RockJC]

Maybe if my W had some discretion. But, she openly texts and talks to other men in front of me and my children. It is so disrespectful and humiliating. It creates an unbearable level of tension.

We have talked about this, and she has promised to be more discrete. Having your MLC partner flaunting their life without you 24X7 is tough. I wouldn't call dealing with this "The gift of time"

[AJM]

Rock. She is openly humiliating and cheating on you in the house? What is your boundary on that? You kids are watching, so it matters. She is not going to be more discrete, and even if she was, I can't see that as having a healthy boundary.

I have to ask myself (as a Christian) - if my spouse did x, would I be helping or hindering if I let it go one (for a long time, as if it were normal)? What am I teaching my kids? Is that helping them in their walk? Or is it going to destroy them? As for my spouse - if she were doing those things, am I helping her on her walk? As a leader, is it right for me to do that regardless of the reason behind it (which I do not know)?

Perhaps I'm missing the bigger picture though..

Peace,
AJ

[albamarie]

I am not sure about the chances of reconciliation, but the chances of me getting completely fed up and filing myself are much higher with her in the house.

I guess that is what I am going through, it's the in your face factor that's too hard to deal with. Even when H is sneaky, I'm too smart for my own good, so then I'm double angry because he's lying.

But I wonder the chances of a reconciliation with them gone
That was also the big quandary I've been dealing with, he needs to be witness to my GAL, and be there to be validated and treated by example. How do I set boundaries with someone who's not here to observe them?

There is no right or wrong answer...there is nothing I can do either way to make this right, or bring about change to my sitch.

Portia, "What I also need to learn is for ME to treat ME like I am first best" exactly, and I hope to learn that from you and all those of you who can do that, so I too can put ME first.

It's an everyday struggle, still taking those baby steps!