KD ~ Yes, Co-D! I am getting and understanding ALOT from reading the CoD No More book. Trying to buy it on ebay. Very Valuable! Yes, I molded myself into what I believed he wanted from me. Wouldn't you say based on my above postings that I am now dropping the rope. I am trying to believe in MY needs and beliefs, wanting MORE for myself. This is why I am defending myself so much with Bond. Everything in the Co-D book suggests for me to do this, but everyone seems to be challenging me here....
Agreeing TOTALLY in your last comment... "if HE chooses to want to work things out with me". He needs to want to do his own work. This is what I have been trying to convey (with much much difficulty).
Actually, I am quite excited to become this new person. I am scared of her too, but still excited. I want to do the work....for me! I want to be the independent person, who is confident, happy and worthy of the love back that I put out.
OK, due to your extrovert nature, self validating might be challenging for you. You truly need to use self validating language, often. Saying things like, "I am a good person", "I am a successful woman", "I have valid beliefs" or things that are self affirming and validating. Even something so obvious like "I have blue eyes and blond hair" are statements about yourself which are self validating and can lead you to think of yourself from a more individual frame.
You ARE those things, you need to integrate those thoughts into your life. So when your H... or anyone else... having a conflicting idea seems to be suggesting you are wrong, you will question the source. At the very most, you will consider the validity of the source and your attachment to the source.
Does that make sense? Do you ever critically question your external sources?
Also, your language may be extrovert leaning as well, which might be confusing members here who are supporting you.
As he has been your external source for so many years, your language has a tendency to focus on him when you are working things out internally. It sounds confusing to a non-extrovert.
For you, showing many of those who are supporting you here that you are dropping the rope, you may want to state in terms of, "I was able to determine that my H's anger is his own and not mine". Leave out your understanding of his next actions "he then went off to pout" out of your description. It comes across as you trying to mind read, even though that is not your intention, rather just your observation, since you ARE in tune with your external sources.
Use I statements in your posts and leave out HE statements.
