Swimming Upstream Against the Current

[RosaLinda]

When I first came on this Board I read a post on someone else's thread that said that this is not a game to be won or lost. Somehow, I have always taken that to heart. I truly believed that in opening up and contacting him via text, that would open up the door a little and invite him to initiate some contact with me. That so did not happen. Without that little effort on his part, the flame just seems to be dying.

No you didn't have the response you wanted Portia, but he DID respond. I just remembered that post, earlier this month on this thread, from someone named Scout. It made so much sense to me that I copied it on my phone, do you remember it? Scout wrote:

"The longer either of you leaves it, the longer and more difficult it'll be to reestablish contact. If he's in Midlife Crisis it's unreasonable to expect that he will do anything, so darl, it's squarely up to you.

And so my advice to you is to initiate contact, but not without doing some important things first.

First, you need to know who and what you are. You need to have a strong sense of self - independent of the people around you - and a healthy self esteem. Both of these things need to be rock-solid. If you're going to hold your hand out to someone who is dangling over a precipice, you need to make sure you're standing and holding onto something solid yourself. I know that what's happened has in all likelihood given your sense of self a battering, but remember you are a spectacular human being. You are not what people - including your husband - think of you.

Once you've done this, you need to set some boundaries. Do not allow the possibility of conflict when you contact him. Keep communications simple, breezy, and COMPLETLY stress- and emotion-free. Like Phoenix says, "put a smile in your voice". If he's shown the tendency to be hurtful since he entered Midlife Crisis, remove yourself from the situation. One woman found she could remove herself mentally, but sometimes she had to remove herself physically as well. I've found the former impossible, and can only do the latter. A couple of months ago now I let husband know that I would only talk to him if he was polite. If I've felt tension rising, I've said something like, "You know what? Let's talk about this later when we're both calmer, OK?"

Finally, remove expectation from the equation. If you initiate contact but don't expect anything (and I mean ANYTHING - good or bad) there can be no hurt. Chuck it out there. If he takes it, great. If he doesn't, great. You're doing the right thing regardless of his reaction. You contact him. You contact him because this is something YOU want to do, YOU need to do. If he doesn't want it, what does this have to do with you? He's doing what he wants and needs to do, now you do what you want and need to do. It's only a wild guess, but I think that you might him a bit frosty at first - particularly if he's suspicious - but he'll eventually be OK. And like I say, keep it light, bright, breezy. Nothing heavy duty, no talking about your relationship. NO tears! Make phone calls as short as they need to be to keep yourself under control.

I expect the first time you do this will be very difficult. But you can do it."

I know you alternately think that you should be done and that you are done. And temporarily, in the meanwhile, you can put all thoughts of your SO behind you, and have a nice summer. But my point is that the fact that he did not respond like you wanted does not mean that the flame is dying until YOU'RE ready to snuff it out for good. And that if you get the urge to text him again, I think you should feel free to. Just rambling, sorry.

[Portia]

Thanks WFM and Linda

Linda, just like a lawyer to use my own posting against me!

The truth is that while I wish my situation was different, it isn't. And I am not in pain. Disappointed and sad at times, for sure.

Bea started a good topic on her thread that I would like to carry here. The discussion is just so close to my heart right now.

When is enough, enough? In other words how do you know when you are done? Bea and others have said that you will KNOW you are done and if you have to ask you probably aren't.

I wonder for those of you that did experience being done, what did it feel like to you?

Was it a feeling for all of you? Or can I decide? I would love to hear some experiences.

I feel on the fence about being done. I know that some of you felt that answering my text was a positive step, some thought it was negative and I was pretty neutral. Given the facts of my situation I do not want to initiate contact. Is it pride or self respect? If he contacts me, I can go from there but I do not want to chase someone who is not interested in me.

When is it time to be done?

[beatrice]

Portia I do think the length of the relationship has something to do with it, and our age.

I am in acceptance, and would not entertain the thought of a relationship with the man my xh currently is. I still do not believe he is his true self, but still in emotional crisis mode. Am I 'done' hmmmmmmm probably never if I am honest, but I am OK with that. It is a bit like being a widow now. They are gone, but not forgotten and still fondly thought of.

Others think differently about MLC and have had different experiences. In general (huge generalization coming up) I find that women experience their spouses MLC somewhat differently from men at least in how they express it. Neither approach is right or wrong, they just seem different.

[BRNR]

I feel on the fence about being done....... If he contacts me, I can go from there but I do not want to chase someone who is not interested in me.

Portia, I can understand this feeling. I am with you on this one although my sitch is different. I don't think my H realizes the error in his ways and thinks that what is happening is just moving on with his life. I won't chase him or ask him to come back to his family either. It will have to be a decision he makes.

My personal opinion is that if your xSO wanted you in his life he would show it. At this time, he is not. So I think you have it right about not contacting him anymore.

When is enough, enough? I don't have that answer. Wish I did. And I can't guide you either, no more than we can guide our Mlc'ers.

Sorry to be a downer this morning, but I just wanted to respond that I am right here with you girlfriend.

((((Portia))))

[job]

Portia,
You will know when you are done. It is a very true statement. I will share a little bit of my experience and please remember, there is no right or wrong way to get to the finish line. When my xh left the first time, I was extremely hurt and very much shocked by his behavior as I had never witnessed the monster mode in him for over 25 years. He returned home within a few days and things settled down for the most part. His behavior was very different and a bit odd, but what did I know about MLC at the time? Absolutely nothing. I was aware that he was going through something, but he wouldn't sit down and tell me what was going on. I worked on the marriage by myself for 7 months and he did absolutely nothing but lip service about how he was working on the marriage. Fast forward, 7 months later he pulled the same bs again by threatening to leave at every turn if something didn't go his way. I knew I was done when I sat him down on a Monday night and advised him that he should leave that very night and not wait until after Christmas. Yes, I was disappointed and sad when he just up and disappeared while I was at work a week later, but the bottom line was, I knew I was done. How does it feel? For me, it was like reading and finishing a book I didn't like or going to the movies and being disappointed in the way it ended. It's like closing the door and knowing that you will put the key away and never open it again. Have I regretted being done? No. I got on w/my life and all of my focus was on getting to the finish line or a divorce that he started.

Today, we do email periodically and I have spoken to him on the phone twice since 2005. The person I knew is not there any longer and quite frankly, I don't like the person he is today. He is very much into the "me, myself and I" mode and very much wants attention all of the time.

Each person will know when the time comes if they are done. It happens when you least expect it. It could be something that is said or done and it doesn't have to be a major issue for this to happen...but you will definitely know when you are done.

I hope that you are doing well and are beginning to enjoy the summer weather a bit. How is your kitty doing these days?

[RosaLinda]

"When is enough, enough? In other words how do you know when you are done? Bea and others have said that you will KNOW you are done and if you have to ask you probably aren't. 

I wonder for those of you that did experience being done, what did it feel like to you?

Was it a feeling for all of you? Or can I decide? I would love to hear some experiences."

I would love to hear others' experiences too. 

Thanks for sharing yours Snodderly and Bea. It gives me hope that being "done" was such a strong recognizable feeling for you Snodderly. Like Bea, I don't know if I'll ever be "done." I cannot imagine feeling like that. But I fear that is exactly how my H feels about me

[mizjjd]

Hi Portia!

I remember being done with my first H.

It was the strangest feeling. I had caught him in another lie and instead of hurt or anger, I just said "You know what? I'm done with this."

And I was. No tears, which is significant for me because I'm a regular Niagra (in fact people tight rope walk across my face occasionally, which is very annoying )

And nothing he did or said moved me. It was "interesting" to watch him go through the denial then begging and apologizing to anger, but none of it affected me.

The ultimate detachment I suppose.

Now, with this H, right now I hate him so I'm thinking I'm not "done" yet, because I didn't hate H#1.

It sounds to me like you may still have "threads" between you and SO, but they're few and far between. I feel if that puts YOU in a better place then that's a good thing.

Think about this, when we met our SO/H, there were no threads. So having no threads again doesn't mean there could never be a reunion, just that it would HAVE to be "new", established on a new foundation.

Take care

[Portia]

Thank you Bea, BR, Snodderly, Linda and MizJ for sharing your experiences and concerns.

I think my feelings are most akin to Bea's right now. After knowing someone for 18 years, since university, he has been such a part of my growth. Even in this situation, he has given me that gift.

But, at least for the moment and maybe longer, I really do want to focus on me and my life. In that way, I do not feel like doing any work to bring us together; at least not as the initiator. I miss my Best Friend, but I have no physical desire for him. I know that is different than what many of you are dealing with, but I can recall him asking me for a hug at the airport and at first, I turned him down. I could not bear the thought of a person who was screwing around on me, touching me. I know many of you feel very differently and I am in no way judging; but the thought of him touching me makes me sick.

So yes, we would be starting at the VERY beginning. In fact, I trust a stranger more than I trust xSO to tell me the truth. xSO is a known liar and cheat; the stranger at least gets the benefit of the doubt at first.

Those threads are faint, MizJ and they are all because of the past. I know nothing of his life right now. He could already be moved in with GF and kids and is in paradise.

I don't want to start a pity party, but for most of my life I have felt second best - there is lots of history behind that - and the thing is what I want most of all from my life partner is to be first best. What I also need to learn is for ME to treat ME like I am first best.

And trust that when I am done; I will know it.

On the up side of things, Snodderly, I had to take kitty for her annual check up. No telling who had more fur on her by the time we were done - me or her! Apparently, she is not fat, she's fluffy...and healthy.

[RosaLinda]

I am not pitying you Portia, but do feel so sorry that you have never felt more than second best, even in the beginning. My H doesn't love me now, but I know he did once (even if he thinks he didn't )

You're right, you need to be first with a life partner. You are a wonderful, thoughtful, caring, beautiful woman. A normal man would put you first. And will once you are putting yourself first.

Your're right Portia. Time to focus on wonderful you!

[BrightFuture]

Portia, I felt that I needed to be done a few months ago. I even started talking about separating my part of the business. I wanted to do it because I was angry that I had to deal with H’s part in the business, paying taxes, etc. A couple of months later I felt that it didn’t bother me anymore. And I don’t feel that I NEED to be done anymore. I just want to enjoy my life and take care of ME right now. I kind of put the R on the back burner right now. I know I’m not done, I still have some hope for reconciliation. However, just like you, I don’t want to initiate any contact with H, I’m past that point. I will respond to him initiating the contact though, if I feel like it. I feel more relaxed, and I think I started to appreciate the advice on this board regarding the “gift of time”.

Portia, you are the “first best”. (((((hugs)))))