well - good news and bad news about the dentist - (good) I don't have to have a root canal that they said I needed. (bad) they pulled it this morning - so now I need a bridge.
here is a letter I worte to C - I do not think I will send it but I did help me get my thoughts in order
My Dearest C,
I am writing this letter to let you know how I feel and that I will be fine. I feel fine because after all I did not do anything wrong. I knew from the first time I saw you that I wanted you. The more I found out about you the more I loved you. Like the commercial says, I went to Jarred’s. And I was literally on Cloud 9 when we got married. But then what did you do to me?
Darling, I really do want to thank you for giving me some of the best and happiest times of my life. We did more together in the three and a half years we knew each other than I have done in my entire life. Two Caribbean cruises, a honeymoon in Jamaica, and our many road trips where we just pointed the car and drove and the bed and breakfasts we stayed at on the way . And we also went to lots of events together, Kenny Rogers, Alabama, Trish Yearwood, Sara Brightman, Yanni, The Nutcracker, The Phantom of the Opera, and Chastain park to name a few. You will never know how proud I was to have you by my side as we went on our journeys. We also did the more routine things together, movies, picnics, the zoo, shopping together, going out to eat and just hanging together at home. We really had some great times together. I thought that those times were real quality time, the kind of time that really bonds people together. Yet after all of this, what did you do to me?
Honey, not only did we go to lots of places together I did lots of things around the house for you. I fixed the door to the basement so I would not stick, I put storm doors on front and back of the house, I put up fans in the bedroom, bathroom and the back deck, installed an automatic garage door opener for your basement, Built you a flower bed in front of your house, helped you with setting up your home office, to name a few. I gladly gave to you my time and effort to do all of these things and more, Yet after all of this, what did you do to me?
C, when we were married you wanted to have a Christian wedding and we did. We stated before God and the world that we would love each other til death do us part. You know that in my first marriage I was not faithful and the guilt of that has torn me up ever since. you also know that I swore to myself that I was ever lucky enough to get married again that I would never cheat on my wife again. Dearest C, I believe that you to know that I faithfully and gladly honored our marriage vows. And knowing that your first marriage ended when your Husband was unfaithful to you and the pain it brought on you, I believed and trusted in you that you would honor those vows too. Yet after all of this, what did you do to me?
C, I would have gladly put down my life to save yours, and I would have staked my life on the fact that you would be true to me. After this started, I asked you if there was someone else and you said NO. I now know that that was a lie. I even had arguments with friends about that in defending you. Yet after all of this, what did you do to me?
Honey, I believe in family. I saw in you that you had a great tie to your family as well. That quality in you is something that I admired. You took a great interest in my family and my mother and I took a great interest in your family because I believe that the union of a man and a woman is much more that just the two but the whole family. I gladly dropped anything to help your family. I gladly went to your family events. I developed a bond between me and your family and I truly believed that you had developed a bond with my family. Yet after all of this, what did you do to me?
Darling, I gladly sold my home, even at a loss, to be able to have the privilege of moving into your home with you. You are still using my refrigerator and my washer and dryer. You wanted me to leave my air compressor and some of my tools out so that your sons might be able to come over and to use them as needed. I gladly let you keep a copy machine, desk and files to help you set up your home office. All these things I gladly did because I felt that you needed them. Yet after all of this, what did you do to me?
C, what did you do to the person that loved you with all his sole, his heart and his mind. To the person that would never have cheated on you. To the person that admired you for your fine qualities. To the person that above all else wanted to save his marriage. What did you do to me?
Honey, I know in my heart that you are a good person. You told me that you feel so guilty about what you have done. You would not feel guilty unless you know that it was wrong. And I want you to know that I have forgiven you for this. I believe that you can not love me or anyone else until you love yourself. I also do not think that you will be at peace until you forgive yourself. But to do that you must let go of him. But you are not letting go, what does that do to you and what does that do to me?
Honey, you are now taking Anti-Depressants to dull your senses. Why are you depressed? Because you are not happy with yourself and your decisions. If you did not know the difference between right and wrong then you would not feel guilty. I now know why you did not want to go see a Christian counselor. You said because they make you feel guilty and after all we were divorced and we were having sex, but that is not why, it is because you had an affair and are still in the relationship. However you do know and you always will know that until you do what is right that will eat away at your very sole. One lesson in life that everyone needs to learn is that your decisions not only effect you but all other friends and family around you. You need to understand that your decision to cheat on your husband did something to your friends and your family ....... and what did that do to me.
Dearest C, even after what you did to me, I want you to know that I will be fine. I will be fine because I can hold my head high. I know I did the right thing. I will remember the good times we had together. I was truly happy then because I was with the one I loved. I loved my wife, was faithful to my wife and worked hard to save my marriage. So I can go on with my life and I will be very happy. I truly hoped that I could be happy with you, but a relationship requires two people that want the same thing. I will find that person and I will be truly happy again with someone that can love me and be faithful to me.
C, I truly wish you the most that life has to offer, happiness, love, peace at heart and a good life. Even after what you did to me.
Its good to write it down but do not ever send it... Its just one big guilt trip.. Lots of blame.. You know..
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Sorry, ODGA, got to agree with Kevin here. It's good that you got it out of your system - now burn it and don't send it, it will not get you closer to your goals.
letter has never been printed - in my computer only - But then if my goal is unobtainable then what difference would it make. If she chooses to stay with OG instead of me and it later does not work out then I will not go back - I don't play 2nd fiddle
But don't worry for now - will not send letter for now - will wait for her choice first.
BTW - still no contact from her - I was going to wait and let her make first contact but just got phone call from her Brother - has a legal problem that is in my area of practice. She is on IM but away - likely seeing a client during lunch, so I sent her an IM that B called me. Will see how the convo goes this afternoon.
