Thanks, all - it should be fun. Like I said, I am quite nervous about the whole adventure, but I am sure somehow we will make it all work out.
In my ongoing efforts to be honest and transparent here, I have to admit that I am really struggling still with "no contact". I have stuck by it for the most part - we had a few "business" e-mails fly back and forth yesterday - but they were just that - business. I informed her of my vacay plans with S via TM and she responded later "He will love it". That was about it.
Even though I am putting faith in the fact that it is possible that the opposite might be happening, I feel as if cutting out contact serves to only push her further away right now and comes across as an angry reaction from me. Something along the lines of "you hurt me, so I am not talking to you anymore". Now, I KNOW that is not the case - but I feel that way nonetheless. Moreover, it feels as if going dark says to XW "....and by the way, don't YOU talk to me either". I guess I fear that in the absence of communication we will just grow further and further apart day by day until there is nothing. Maybe that's the goal in all of this - honestly, sometimes I do not know. I have had to keep things boiled down to a one-day-at-a-time level just to make it through (I forget that at times).
In the mornings, and I know I have said this before, I think of her often - and sometimes I just want to text her and tell her that I am thinking of her -- and ask how her last few days have been. I don't - but as I am looking in the mirror getting ready in the morning I find myself justifying all sorts of reasons why I should. Ultimately, I have not.
In the spirit of trying to be loving during all of this, I try to be upbeat and positive during exchanges when she sees me. I compliment what she is wearing or how she looks (nothing too "schmoopy", just kind words). She reacts shyly...almost unable to make eye contact and quickly moves past the compliment. No idea what that means.
At any rate, that's where I am today. I still really miss her and my family and still hope things will work out over time. I hope that she will miss me, but I am dedicated to not looking over my shoulder to check. I'll admit that part of me wanted her to feel as if she is going to miss out on a good time with me and S when we are away....miss out on good family memories....and feel kind of a loss. That's not WHY I chose to go, but part of me wished for that (I know it is small, and I know it is not very DB-like, just being honest).
