"3) IF she goes from mood to fleeting mood then only time alone, again, will remind her of what she could have had. Needless to say, if she says she wants to move back in,"
That's just it, 25 - I think she is fundamentally aware of what she could have (and actually DOES have) with me and S back open. Access to S all the time, a backup partner, support, living space.....I could go on. But she pulled the plug two weeks ago she said she was "not going to play family". Yet another reference to her not being with someone if the feelings aren't there. Which brings us right back to the notion of feelings and her not viewing them as something that ebbs and flows, comes and goes. So yeah, I think that she academically understands what is at home for her - she just doesn't see the worth in it, or at least in "faking" a relationship as she sees it.
And yes, major cognative dissonance! She whip-saws between decisions based off of her emotions as I see it. How else could she be planning on baby #2 one week, moving things BACK into the house, and then literally two days later move them all back. Then says "she's done" and that "we tried our best" and won't go to a counselor (after saying days prior that she would).
"Thing is NO R can just resume...without snaffus and rough spots, which she sees as the kiss of death." -
I get that. She does not. And she does not seem to WANT to get it. Rather, her belief is that some "flow" should be there and if it isn't and if a flood of feelings don't come rushing back quickly then it was not meant to be. As cliche as it has become to say, relationships are hard work. Rebuilding one after a collapse may be even harder. Hard to her = she's "forcing it". And if she's forcing it, it's not meant to be. Otherwise, it would just......"flow". Because what's meant to be flows easily.
Message received. I'll shelve the embryo talk. You're right - nothing good can come of it right now.
And no, I can't bring another baby into this world into a broken home. Missing two kids would be dreadful. Yet I SO want a sibling for S. Rock. Hard place.
I am trying to be there for her less. Ya know what's sick? It's probably harder for me than it is on her. Just today I was out with S after work and took him for ice cream and to pick out a toy. He picked something that was sooo reflective of his mother I wanted to text and share the story/picture - but I had to sit on my hands. No more of that. It's tough because we both have such a bond with him at times I feel no one would appreciate the little subtle things/new about him as much as she would. No matter. It is what it is.
Yeah, my lifespan for active reproduction is longer than hers by a margin. Two things, though. 1.) Some of the problems that resulted in us going IVF were mine - a majority, really. 2.) The unspoken thing that a lot of men fret about is being the geriatric old guy at little league games (just a metaphor for being to old to keep up with a little one). So we don't have a biological clock per se....more like an egg timer. 1 is more of an issue than 2, but I am aware of both.
I know her time is starting to run out - so does she....and how. I am embarrassed to confess that part of me fears that she will just pop off here in the next few (insert measure of time here) and meet someone and have a baby. I know it sounds wholly unreasonable - but at the same time I often wonder if "reason" has left the room.
Tried to get some quality time in with S last night. We went for ice cream and then ended up buying a new toy car for him. We had a lot of fun.
This morning I had to drop him off at xws place. The drive over he was asking me to bring our dog to mommy's house, too - said he really misses his dog. That stuff breaks my heart.
We did the exchange and I was upbeat and pleasant. She was kind of short because she was running late. *Sigh* I'm still so attracted to her - its hard to see her at times because it underscores the rejection. I think she is beautiful, still.
Not sure why, but today feels tougher than normal. Maybe it's just the natural peaks and valleys in this process hitting me today. I received a very business-like email from her today regarding his school this fall. It was so cold and clinical, not mean, but nothing friendly about it. They give me panic attacks sometimes.
Well, sheer terror has set in (relax, it's not a negative post).
From the comfort of my MacBook tonight I booked a 4 day vacation for myself and S to San Diego for next month. Flying in, nice beachfront hotel with a staircase to the beach, a few pools. Why sheer terror? I have never done anything like this before without XW. This will be the first time I have flown with him alone, first hotel stay alone with him....first vacay alone with him period.....first time I have ever taken him out of state on my own....it's gonna be something else, for sure.
The way I figure, I really want to start focusing on experiences with him - I haven't done much of that with him at all....especially since bomb date. He is only gonna be three once, and I don't want to p*ss away anymore time waiting for his mama to want to join us and be part of our family. It's time to do it on my own. And yes, I am scared and don't know if I am prepared, but we will have fun regardless.
Sea World (he loves animals), Lego Land....all sorts of stuff. He will enjoy it. I haven't told XW yet.....I am curious as to how that will hit her. My guess is that she will be unmoved - no matter, it's done. It's happening.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Way to go buddy!!! That's more like it. That will be an incredible vaca. Sea World and Lego Land were so much fun. We also hit the zoo and safari area (my S also loves animals).
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Crimson, that is awesome. I can honestly say I know exactly what you are going to feel when you do that and you are there with him. 3 weeks ago I took my 3 year old son to the beach just him and I. It was incredible. We had so much fun. It was something I've wanted to do for months. It was a complete 180 for me. We had gone to the beach a few times with son before we separated, but each time I was selfish and decided to drink and have "me" time. It bothered the new me so much that I decided that I needed that trip. And it was everything I thought it would be. Nothing like good quality father son time. Good for you!!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Thank you for sharing, CBT. Funny thing is, I absolutely relate - old me would not have pulled this move without my W. No way. And if the three of us DID go I probably would not have been as engaged as I should have been. I am scared, but excited to spend this time with just the two of us. He has only seen the ocean once before and never with me. I feel as if I have come a long way as a father just in being able to do this. It goes way, way waaaaay beyond my paradigm - but I am discovering that S and I really enjoy each other. Sure, it's a little melancholy that it'll just be the two of us.....but that's just the way it is these days for me and S.
Even though it's not a vacation I'm taking S3 and S1 to a special movie screening for autistic kids on Sunday so the kids can still move around and the lights are just dim. Thats a 180 for me. Previously I would have waited until W was available to come too.
I think doing things like this will hopefully open up more doors for us and that can only be a good thing.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I think that you'll be surprised at how well you will be able to handle anything that comes your way. And the memories that you will make be there for a lifetime.....
Keep up the good work. Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
