Let my love open the door...

[Takevowsserious]

Thanks Bea and Linda

Sometimes I feel so mentally and emotionally exhausted from all of this that I find myself snapping at the boys and being impatient with them. That is not how I want to be, they deserve better.

There's times when I do just have to suck it up and push on, but there are other times when a need a break.

No man (or woman) is an island, right?

If only MLC was as simple as a new car or hair plugs. We could be so lucky!

Linda, even if that scenario did happen, the joke is not on you. It would be on your H who lost the best thing that ever happened to him.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi TVS, I just finished catching up with your sitch. I want you to know that all things considered, I think you are doing really well right now. Please cut yourself some slack for any impatience you may feel from time to time. Continue to focus on the big pic, ok?

I'm glad to hear that the head massage was well accepted by H. I know you said you would step things up in the giving H attention area, I would only add to do so when you feel he is more deserving. (relatively speaking, of course) This does two things. It rewards him for positive behavior, and lessons the risk that you'll feel like you are being taken advantage of.

As always, monitor results.

Maybe set up something similar (read, even nicer) right before he leaves on his trip... you know, so he has something to think about when he's with less than impressive FT. How long 'til he leaves?

I also like that you let him know missing dinner without notice was not acceptable. The only way the M will work is if he respects you. Good job!

Bust On girl!

[Takevowsserious]

Thanks for stopping by, FY! Always good to hear from you

Well, H leaves in about 36 hours. I was feeling sad and even anxious today. Could feel that knot in the pit of my stomach.

I feel like there is a sort of finality in him going. Once this trip happens, it will always be a part of his life. If we have a future together, it will always be a part of our life.

H came up to bed this morning, kids were already starting to stir. Said he didn't get to sleep till around 3:00 am. He had bloody scratches all over him from him clawing at himself. He said the itching has been unbearable.

I'm sure the sun and sand and saltwater will be great on his already incredibly dry skin. Hope FT brings some lotion!

Somewhat distant today. Went through a texting fit at one point this evening. Got a suitcase out of the attic. I have to say, for someone who is going on a relaxing, romantic five day golf/beach vacation, he hasn't acted very excited about it. He doesn't say anything at all about it.

Because I like to get ahead of myself (as you know!) I am already dreading his return. Strange? I don't know how I'm supposed to look at him and not be sickened.

I thought today was actually a pretty good day overall. I had some more deck time this evening, and painted my nails while reading my Oprah magazine. Sometimes little things can be big in improving my PMA

When saying goodnight tonight, I told H I hoped he got some sleep tonight. He said thanks - he didn't know how many more nights he could take of this - that he felt like he was starting to lose his mind.

That's not good.

I can do it, I can get through this next week. I believe it's called letting him go with love

[RosaLinda]

TVS you are an incredibly strong woman, an amazingly dedicated wife and mother. You can do this dear. We will be here with you, to give you support, love, strength, virtual hugs. 

I have such a strong feeling that this trip will be the demise of FT. And that when your H realizes his error, and realizes you have been the prize all along, that you will be able to reach deep down into your incredible soul and find the strength to forgive him. And love him. 

We're all rooting for you. You CAN do this.

[uRworthy]

Well, H leaves in about 36 hours. I was feeling sad and even anxious today. Could feel that knot in the pit of my stomach.

Totally understand that, T.

I feel like there is a sort of finality in him going. Once this trip happens, it will always be a part of his life. If we have a future together, it will always be a part of our life.

Try not to have that mindset. Doesnt serve you well right now, my friend. This could be a trip he would rather forget forever.

H came up to bed this morning, kids were already starting to stir. Said he didn't get to sleep till around 3:00 am. He had bloody scratches all over him from him clawing at himself. He said the itching has been unbearable.

Um, I'm sorry, that suckks for him. Oops. Me and my mouth again. My bad.

I'm sure the sun and sand and saltwater will be great on his already incredibly dry skin. Hope FT brings some lotion!

Sounds like a good time for her, too - Not!

Somewhat distant today. Went through a texting fit at one point this evening. Got a suitcase out of the attic. I have to say, for someone who is going on a relaxing, romantic five day golf/beach vacation, he hasn't acted very excited about it. He doesn't say anything at all about it.

Yea, because it is the beginning of the end of this affair. My x held on way longer than he should have because he couldnt face the destruction and being wrong. All that is not exactly the stuff of a romantic getaway.

Because I like to get ahead of myself (as you know!) I am already dreading his return. Strange? I don't know how I'm supposed to look at him and not be sickened.

Not strange, T. Normal thinking. But you will do it. Just think about her in a bathing suit, him scratching all day and night and you having had the time of your life with your family.

I thought today was actually a pretty good day overall. I had some more deck time this evening, and painted my nails while reading my Oprah magazine. Sometimes little things can be big in improving my PMA

When saying goodnight tonight, I told H I hoped he got some sleep tonight. He said thanks - he didn't know how many more nights he could take of this - that he felt like he was starting to lose his mind.

That's not good.

Nope, not good. My x used to say the same thing. Ya know why? Because they HAVE lost their minds!

I can do it, I can get through this next week. I believe it's called letting him go with love

I know you can do it, T. Of that I have no doubt. I will be here every step of the way, rooting you on, holding your hand and praying for you..

[RosaLinda]

Did you get any sleep T?

[Takevowsserious]

I got some sleep, Linda. S3 woke me up at 2:30 to be tucked back in. We had bad storms throughout the night, so I had a hard time falling back asleep.

Heard H up very late - didn't sleep well again. Eventually came up to bed.

Thanks (as always!) UW for your kind words. I read them when I woke up last night, and it made me smile, gave me some reassurance and a sense of peace.

The thought of her in a bathing suit - barf! There isn't enough spandex out there to hide her mountain of a belly!

Thanks for being with me each step of the way, it means so much. I don't think I could do this alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H talked about the trip for the first time this morning. He let me know he is taking money out of the bank for the trip, but he cashed out a bunch of overtime, and we will be receiving a check that we can deposit to cover the trip expenses.

Which I thought was interesting, considering how he has spent money in the past without a care. Obviously, he is still spending money, but seems more conscious of what he is doing.

From how he was talking today, I think this trip may be another one of his half- truths. My guess is that he is starting out the trip with the guys, but ending it with her. Maybe he won't get sick of her after all

However the days are divided up, he will be gone. I am lining up a lot of fun things to do with the kids and my in- laws.

He said he wasn't even sure what time his flight was tomorrow because someone else got the plane tickets.

The whole thing is just strange.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wanted to share something very powerful I read in the June edition of Oprah magazine.

There is an article " Onward and Upward" written by the author of "Riding in Cars With Boys" (great book and movie btw).

She has had so many trials in her life, and talks about lessons learned. She says, "When bad things happen, the seminal question is not 'Why me?' but 'What am I going to do now?'"

She writes, "Again and again, pain and disappointment launched me in a different direction, opened doors, seasoned me.

There's no denying that when tragic things happen, they rob us of the life we would have lived and of the person we might have been.

Is there ever change without loss? Is there ever not pain before recovery? I find life infinitely more interesting - and tolerable - when I believe I may find some gift in tragedy. Pain may provide the greatest incentive to grow, and perhaps picking ourselves up, moving on, and learning is what we're called to do with our lives."

Great stuff.

Sometimes I think I need to put aside my H, and MLC, and the affair, and all this other noise that's getting in the way and just listen and learn and grow.

I'm sure I'll be posting later today

Last thing... In an effort to do a 180, I'm considering giving my H a hug when he leaves tomorrow. I haven't hugged him in over a year. I feel like he may actually be receptive to it now, but it would be a game time decision based on his behavior at the time.

Thoughts? Ideas? 2x4's?

[RosaLinda]

Your H doesn't know what time his flight is?? That is very strange. Why do you think Frumpy Twat won't be coming out with him? Do you think she'd fly out there alone? Even a few days alone with FT will be a few too many!

I vote for a hug.

And thanks so much for that quote from Oprah Mag. So powerful, and thought provoking. I was going to say, no there CAN be change without loss, but now am not really sure. Something must be lost right? Even if what ever changed got better, it's not the same.

[uRworthy]

Hey T, I think you have such good instincts, you will know what to do when it is time.

My opinion is, if it feels right, go for it. Might give him something to think about and I dont think you will lose any ground having tried it.

At the end of the day, he is your h and your children's father. I dont think a hug at this point is a dealbreaker.

[reachingHigher]

Hi Tvs,

About the hug....of course we all want you to have a great hug, from H. But....you hafta be okay if he doesn't reciprocate. And you'll have to be okay with that disappointment.

"My opinion is, if it feels right, go for it. Might give him something to think about and I dont think you will lose any ground having tried it.".

Yes, I think you won't lose any ground with H. Just concerned about your feelings. Maybe you'll be able to tell...if he wants one...or perhaps another opportunity for connection will make itself known. Idk.

Post more as you're ready.

You can have a hug from me
((((((((((Tvs))))))))))