Another big reason I have been there for her lately is to show that I can be. She felt the last few years I haven't been there for her as much as I should have.
In my opinion, you could still be there for her if she really needed you to be. But you will have to start detaching if you are going through with the divorce. You mentioned that if you were to separate she wanted to remain good friends but you couldn't see that happening. That is how I feel when it comes to me and my husband as well. If you separate you are going to need some space in order to heal/deal with the feelings of the loss of relationship, and most likely you will need space from her in order to do that.
Of course, you will have to remain friendly with her through all of this. With regard to handling details of the divorce, you will probably have to work through a lot of that together. As for personal issues, that is up to you if you feel like helping her/being there for her. You will probably want to detach somewhat, so you can start moving on with your life. I wouldn't be too eagar to help with everything she asks from you.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
The way I look at it, is your there for the OLD her, that person im sorry to say is dead and gone now. If you want your marriage to work, you have to understand that your dealing with an entirely different person now. Imagine walking up to a girl/guy in a bar and asking if she'd like to get married almost. Your talking about a person with very little reflection at this stage.
You are trying to win a person back you DONT even know at this point. Sure, theres signs here and there she might still be in there, but you cant pull that person out anymore than I can for you. You gotta become a new person yourself, strong, funny, easy going, and stress free. That is NOT you right now.
Its not something you can just fake your way thru, they are life changes you must commit too. I know how hard it can be, im getting there, but its a long process, have my failures, and just take it day to day.
Thanks for the replies H61 and Thumpered. It definitely took me a while to realize this is not the same person. Wish I had realized it sooner. Would have saved me some spinning...not all, but some. I am more myself than I have been since BD. That feels good, but I have a ways to go.
So W had a meeting with her best friend (also a WAW) and her lawyer boyfriend/affair guy (who also happens to be married and refuses to leave his W) to get advice about filing. You can't make this stuff up. Sometimes I just have to laugh at things like this in my sitch.
She says she knows what steps to take now. I need to start thinking about if I want to keep trying, and how to go about that, after she files. I assume that will be very soon.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
When you are getting along, it's because this is the easy way for her to get through the day. You ask less questions, there's no need to get into discussions- its just polite pleasantness- like interacting with a work colleague or roommate that you don't like, but you keep the peace.
I've wondered if this was the case, and I believe its more true everyday. I think she is also being nice to me because, as she put it, "she feels bad". I don't need her sympathy. I'm a big boy who is getting stronger everyday.
I really think I'm ready to pull away. I was scared to before, but now a big part of me WANTS to pull away. The longer I take to do it, the more she will believe I am okay with being just friends. I am not. I can be friendly, but I don't want to be just friends. I want to be her H. She can't have the parts of me she wants, without working through the hard stuff.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
Your best bet is to leave her with a positive impression of you. You want her last vision of you to be as a great guy that loved her and cared for her. That way, after she leaves, and things don't turn out as perfect as she planned, she will think back fondly of you. If you fall into the trap of reacting to her luring you into arguments, ignoring her, being generally what most females would consider to be unattractive behavior, then her last impression of you will not be good. She will not look back and ask herself if she made a mistake. WHILE YOU ARE STILL WAITING for her to separate from you, be the absolute best husband you can be. This does not mean crawling behind her in her shadow. Good husbands don't do that- children and wimps do. She won't appreciate it now (in fact she'll probably be annoyed), but it will help you later.
Then, if you separate, go completely dark. No communication at all, about anything. If she needs to handle child issues or legal issues you can communicate through in intermediary. Not email. Not text. The idea is that she will need to miss what you had together. By not hearing from you, she will miss your interactions. If she did speak to you occasionally, should would get what she needed from you, and from the OP. Dont give her even a hello, let her miss you. Once you are "out of the picture", the OP will relax, not feeling they have to compete with your presence any longer. Once they relax, they will show their true selves. And guess what? Their true selves won't match the fantasy your wife has of them in her mind. POP! Fantasy over. Then she'll think of the lovely guy she left behind. The one that was so kind and loving, even when she treated him like cr*p. I wonder if he'd take me back?
I'm finding a new normal. Last Friday I picked up the necessary paperwork to file. W had planned on it but was confused by it all. I figure I'll at least pick it up. Haven't had a chance to complete the forms yet as I had a busy weekend with the kids, and started a new job Monday.
The new job has been great so far. New environment and new people who know nothing of what is going on. Its refreshing. At times I find myself really excited about my future, then I remember that my W wants a divorce and everything that goes with that. It temporarily zaps the happiness out of me. Overall I'm still doing better every week, for now.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
