Re: Thought I Was Piecing, Now I'm Detaching III

[ThisDayForward]

yes I'm the a HOLE for staying in my home with the kids. That is what is being told to mutual neighbor friends and to me from her. Because ALL of her Divorced guy friends left their houses

[ThisDayForward]

One thing I certainly feel like I am stuck in a pattern with my W. For example. I do a GREAT job not pursuiting her and not talking doing any R talks for 2 months. Increase Gal and self growth. After 2 months of me not approaching her she basically approches me for D. one other thing I was suprised at was she was acting like she was around the last 2 months open to talking. I was like huh. You didn't want to talk. You wanted space. Anyways just my venting for the day. I get the roller coaster ride but this ride is getting bumpy

[~ kd ~]

PON, I think as far as doing something really different, following Bond's advice "to the T" would certainly be doings something completely different for you. As things progress, you will figure out what is really you and what isn't you, as far as behaviours go.

So, when your W is disrespectful to you, tell her that you will not be disrespected.

When your W threatens you with D, ask her when she will be doing so and if she does not, file yourself.

When your W tells you to leave, tell her that you are staying and that SHE should leave.

I think doing so would certainly see a change in your sitch.

[ThisDayForward]

Well I'm batting 1-4 on your suggestions

[ThisDayForward]

I'm not sure the right word is threaten with Divorce. Honestly she is asking for one and for me to move out

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=PowerOfNow]The body language the mediator picked up on was that I did not want to be in his office. I was sitting very far back from the table at the time. He wasn't wrong. I didn't want to be in the office.

Well you were not ready to mediate. You may have to get ready or go to trial. My brother did and eventually, after two years, he won half custody. I am not sure it was worth it though, and not just financially...that's up to you and it's NOT something you need worry about now.

Do not let her bait you.

As Bond and 25 predicted she will get angrier now. She stopped wearing her rings yet again and the crickets are back.

Of course, but really really really try NOT to notice this stuff. It's like the ink from a squid. Don't let it get in your eyes so you can't see the real thing.

None of that stuff matters, the "rings on/off" or the 'she talked to me today", stuff is simply Not where you energy needs to be. How are the kids?


Giving up control to god is hard for me.

Why is that? What hinders you?

Do you see how helpful it will be for you to do? How can you work on that?

Do you see how destructive & wasteful it is for you to keep trying to control things which you cannot control? It's not just unproductive, it's harmful. And it detracts from where your energy and focus ought to be.

What are you going to do about this? B/C if you can't turn this over to God or your Higher Power, or LET GO of the illusion you have that you ever had control, then

you'll always feel HIGH anxiety, and that anxiety will ruin years of your life, not to mention R's in your life.


I can't see my W ever doing her work. I know I can't worry about that and all I can do is continue to do my work which I haven't stopped.

Remind yourself only of that^^^ part, b/c there is NO evidence your wife will ever work on herself, AND it's simply not your problem now.

You certainly cannot wait for it. We have pretty much all said that IF IF IF there is a chance she'll awaken to things

and want to probe the concept of working on herself and the marriage,

it'll be by you letting her go and moving along, believing in yourself (or at least faking like you do).

If that does not work, then you'll have tried everything. B/C detachment and moving on are the only things you really have NOT done

and guess what? They are your only options now anyhow. She does NOT want to be pursued, she calls it smothering.

She says and acts as if she does not want to be married. This is not new.


I wish these things wouldn't spin me out so much.



Try not to "wish" so much and just DO. Note your progress.

You're getting better and it IS within your control. That is what TOOLS are for and I say, whatever works, use. And the more you try the more you'll learn.

My W uses the D word so much it makes me ill. Sunday night was the best I've handled it in awhile saying I wouldn't stand in her way of filing.

Snodderly she truly doesn't love or like me right now. Or that is how she feels. Sometimes I teeter with opening the cage completely up to her. Filing the papers and getting the process started for her.

She makes herself sick to her stomach staying in the sitch. That is what she said Sunday night. "I can't do this anymore, I can't sit in limbo etc..\\\


Sounds as if you both feel it's toxic to be together atm. And it probably is. I cannot believe either of you believe the kids are "fine" with it, as it is now.

Not to minimize their future pain and the hassles, but they cannot benefit by this dynamic. So when you start to spin and spiral about how bad a divorce or sep would be for them

remember that they have two parents who are literally physically sick around each other right now, and have been for awhile.

That cannot be "a happy family home". So just be realistic when you asses the emotional costs b/c there are pros and cons to this. NOT all of the aspects of a sep are horrible.

I then start to feel guilty when she says that I should leave the marital home and keep the kids where they are at. Not disrupt them.

Why do they have to be disrupted and why is it BECAUSE you won't leave?

I mean, if you divorce, then won't the house have to be sold anyhow? That's disruptive.

SIDENOTE....she's NOT a happy sahm, she complains that it makes her crazy, she posts complaints about her 'crappy summer with the kids ON FACEBOOK.....so I'm not clear on what she wants. She probably is not clear either.

I ASSUME she'd like you to step out of the picture, like you died but without the kids being sad, you pay all the bills, indefinitely, only come over when she wants you to help with the kids,

and she never has to go to work unless/until she FEELS like it...is that her divorce scenario?

B/C if it is,

she needs some reality therapy that can probably only come from a lawyer.

Even the mediator was only referring to a temp situation. She can't keep the house AND not work , and keep the kids, forever.



I honestly don't know if she is MLC or Perimenapause..


You really lose me when you ask this^^....please LISTEN WELL...I don't want to even touch on this issue again.

& For the life of me I cannot fathom why you bother spending another second on this. Your course of action is the exact same, and you have no control over either,

Plus, it's such an over simplification of her multiple issues, it's like a high school answer to a neurological/ oncological problem. Why would you do that?

When you ask this question, it's as if you have learned nothing.


PON, BY ANALOGY-

If my h hit me in the face every week for 3 years, what would you want ME to spend my energy working on?

Would YOU want ME to spend a lot of time in counselling, about WHY HE hits me? Would you give me books to read about MLC?

Would you suggest I ponder whether it was his childhood that showed him hitting was fine,

or some physiological (hormonal) problem of his that made him slap me around,
or would you want me to attend a lot of seminars on violence in other cultures, in case a cultural problem led him to beat me,

or if he is an alcoholic or drug user or is his job stressing him out too much?

In sum, PON,

Would you want ME to spend MY LIFE attempting to figure out WHY my h beats me,

OR

would you want me to get out of the situation &

THEN

figure out why I'd live with that miserable "marriage" for so long...?

We know you said (&I take your word for it) you were a terrible H to her for years in the m. That you did a lot of damage. I buy that. You say that 3-4 years ago, you awakened and made serious changes.

You say that you became a better man. & I buy that.

So now, why are you living with someone who treats you horribly? Says she has no intention of treating you better, does not love you, does not want to be around you and wants a divorce? I mean, are you thinking you deserve the bad treatment?

Even if you did believe that, do you want it to continue? For how long? B/C it shows no signs of stopping. On the contrary, the situation suggests that things are going to get harder on you, not easier. So why in God's name are you still asking for a label for her behavior? It gets you nowhere.

YOU CANNOT KNOW THE ANSWER to your question. And even if you did, what would it change? if it's perimenopause, so what? Not ending soon.

She may be affected by hormones enough to have some mood changes, but that only means two things to me.

It means She still has serious underlying issues you are vastly oversimplifying AND

Second, if this has any hormonal dimensions to it, she will always have them, and they will get worse (until maybe she's 65?)
So why spend time on this at all? She isn't seeking treatment for it. Maybe you can you drop it now.

I see no evidence of MLC. None of her behavior is new. it's happened before.

Is it b/c you hope it's MLC b/c you think if she falls flat, then she'll slap her forehead and say "OMG if only I'd stayed with PON"???

PON, has she ever before showed regret about a mistake of hers and expressed it? Did she then try to make things right? Something tells me "no" to both those questions.
What if she's just a nasty miserable woman in a pretty body, who used to be a lot of fun?

PON, forget her "diagnosis" or label. You have wasted so much time and energy on it,

Why not, instead, ask yourself why you'd choose a woman who never spoke your LL's, and knew them,
who brings out your anxieties so often and so high,

why you live in such fear, and why you'd inflict all this upon yourself...

But I hope you'll get to the best questions, =

what are you going to do to take charge of your life? That's where you need to focus my friend.

YOU...your stuff. Your life.

You both deserved much better. As she is now, I don't see her getting it but this is not a contest.

And you did not make her this way. You said you were two broken people when you met. You hurt her and it damaged her self esteem. And she has paid you back plenty for it.

Don't forget the six months you moved out of the home. Which you survived, btw. And your kids remain close to you...btw...

I think you will have a much better life as you make forward movement.

If it brings your w around, that's great.

If not, you'll be farther along in the healing than you'd be if you keep asking what label to attach to her.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

if it becomes too toxic for you both to stay under the same roof, and I know it can be

then ask around here for other solutions.

One idea, -Can you two rotate in/out of the house and keep the kids at home?

Either use the vacation home (too far?) or get an apartment and keep the kids in the home?

I think other folks around here will have some ideas.

[ThisDayForward]

25 I read your post 10x. It is all good and nothing I shouldn't already know..

"I see no evidence of MLC. None of her behavior is new. it's happened before."

This I disagree with. This behavior started happening 3 years ago. 18 months after daughter was born. Everything I read about on MLC fits her bill. I never loved you etc, mood swings, tattoos, blah blah blah blah.

I just bring this up so I can research and learn a little bit about what she is going through. I still haven't fixed me. Not even remotely.

Yes my head is spinning today because I am not sure I want to live my life like this. Echoing everything you said above. I'm having trouble detaching while living under the same roof. EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THE EXACT DATE SHE WILL SPEW, I STILL LET IT HIM ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS

Last night she accused me of going through one of her dresser draws. I was like huh

[25yearsmlc]

you claim the hormonal issues were permanent, so NOT new.

And what difference does it make? I do not want to re=hash the 100 reasons why it does not matter.

It totally enables her by letting YOU point to it and tell yourself "oh it might magically change"...so that you can just stay....stuck...

in a situation YOU describe as unacceptable. So I'm at a loss as to what you want to hear.

Your situation is not acceptable to you. We get it.

But you can only work on you. We get that.

But then you start labelling HER behavior and "trying to understand" it.

So I go back to asking you to look at the analogy I made for you if my h were hitting me.

Would you want me to spend ANY energy trying to know why he hit me,

or should I ask myself why the heck I was putting up with it and

when I am going to get OUT of it?

IOW, when am I going to take charge of my life and stop trying to figure out why he's treating me so badly b/c it does NOT matter WHY.

And I ask you the same, again.

Who cares why she does this? It's been A LONG time. Longer than my h's MLC and her other behaviors were not new.

You said the hormonal things have always been...so at best, she's "available to you" HALF time?

Great...

[ThisDayForward]

25 thx and I get it. I think if I can get through my work or at least step 4 I will be in better position to make a choice that I know needs to be made.

Can someone at least explain to me how my W once a month for 2 years says she wants a D but does not take action? I think that in itself is a little bat sh i t crazy. Even when physically separated she did this. It is just crazy confusing.

T2 does your W use the D word as a control card?
Bond did yours?

I know 25's H never said the D word.

I'm pretty sure she wants me to file and is trying to break me. She kept saying to me the other night
"why would you want to be married to me" and "why would you want to be in this marriage"