Sorry you're havin a bad spell - take a deep breath.
Quote:
What’s wrong w me? Is this a defensive move on my part? Do I really hope the next time he’s asleep this is it…nice and quiet please let this be over? She asked me if I love him, I said no, she asked again, I looked her in the eyes and said, no. She then said in his current condition…I choked on it, but I gave her “in his current condition’’, though I am not sure I mean it.
Hey- is it crucial to KNOW? IF YOU MEAN IT? I've had people ask me- tell me i do - tell me i don't - tell me what i should be doing, feeling, etc. Honestly- can't we just give ourselves permission to not know one darn thing about us or them or the sitch??? it's where i am at. i hate it allllllll- i am not sure what i feel about him- i do not lust after him- mostly i look at him and i don't even see who i used to. my emotional state currently - his defection & treason. i don't know who he is, so how can i know what i think of him or feel about him? i haven't even discovered who the real him is (now?). i haven't even become sure the old him is dead and buried. wtf??? it's a giant state of flux -
I have no idea why i am enduring this- trying it- don't even want to contemplate the possibility i could be crazy enough to think he will magically "change back".
im'doing it becaue i have no good idea at this moment what to do otherwise. maybe you too? . as stupid and simple as that. it's "something". so why do we have to be all intellectual and knowing about it- i'm a big believer in us just all being some well-meaning animals and going by our instincts alot of the time. can't it just be that? and okay therefore?
i know we're all supposed to think we're superior to animals - but honestly i think not - IN A BIG WAY. WE'RE merely animals trying to fool ourselves into thinking we're "better" than the other animals and i do n't think we are .man wouldn't be so cruel and nuts if we were better really.
how in the world would we know what we feel? who in the world is "expert" at this???? looking at the person you loved beyond reason and sorting thru years and years of surety to look objectively (ha!!) at someone they've become- are- always were? SOMEONE CRAZY.
it maybe temporary- or forever - we don't even KNOW that. i don't even KNOW what i feel or am doing (really) - so how can i know what he feels or is doing- and i don't think he does either - or your h either.
SOOOOO - I'M SAYIN - LET YOURSELF OFF THE DARN HOOK here- why in the world would you think you should KNOW ??? you're just a girl - doing the best she can in a bad sitch. like the rest of us.
i honestly do not know what i feel for this guy anymore. he is nice alot and shameless and hard and cold sometimes. who can "feel" one thing about such a schizophrenic? not me- not you-
maybe if all the dust were settled and you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt who he was and would be forever -
is that likely to happen anytime soon? idont think so. this db is alot of "faith". OR just a technique to help us ride thru this- "thinking" we have a "way" or a "plan" or something.
since you've detached alot - it's worked a bit - right?? - so progress & it's helped a bit.
. I am so sorry to hear you in agony over the question of "knowing" what is REALLY going on in your heart.. if it makes you feel any better - i'm putting on a show too. it stresses me out to lie and be a fraud and not my true self.
every single person here who is adapting and trying to bite their tongues rather than have "the talk" about the r, m , L whatever - all the stuff we'd jump in and do in "real life" but now find ourselves waking on eggs every single minute of every single day- well, none of us know- or are being "ourselves" or "honest". it's a giant strain- you're feeling it. don't let it make you crazy- it's just the result of this wacky kind of life we're tryin to live.
can ya go do something terrifically physical that wears you out? working helped me alot- totally busy- distracted and on my toes for a whole day- too tired at nite to think and that was a blessing. as soon as h leaves i'm gonna figure out somewhere else to go work or do something- get out of the house- stop remembering him being in my life- etc.
have a glass of wine- go somewhere and quit demanding you KNOW anything. all you have to do is breath - keep going forward as you have been- and assume that wisdom will come- remember that- just be receptive when it appears-
the universe will call you- i'm pretty sure.
xxoo hang on- there's nothing wrong with you. she's just asking you about a total stranger - why wouldja know? (besides - why are you obliged to answer to anyone? - only dawn)
