I wondered why I had this odd feeling of loss last Monday - what a difference a week makes. Three of my friends/colleagues lost parents this week. As well, the Hospice where my parent passed has a memorial ceremony for those who died. it was really nice but very emotional. I think that GAL activities should not be funerals!
I was reading Bea's topic on when to recognize when you are doing yourself more harm than good by attempting to reconcile our relationships. Through this last week, I have been thinking much the same.
When is it time to admit defeat? I have stopped counting the days/weeks between contacts when I once knew it instinctively. I know I have not heard from him since my last text. We have not spoken in almost three months now. I have no idea what is going on in his life although I strongly suspect the GF is once again in his life.
Initiating contact with him at this point seems, well pointless. His actions show me nothing but that he does not care (or is careless) as to whether or not he loses me. Is that what I want?
BD was eleven months ago today. I have seen myself through some very rough times.
On her thread, Bea said that authors of articles, etc. should recognize that some in MLC will never come out of the tunnel. I agree with that. So many of those books and articles make it sound like a natural progression and that all the LBS has to do is wait it out. But that is wrong. Not only may it never happen, but it seems many of the articles imply that the Hs stay home while they deal with the crisis.
I am not even sure anymore that if he made an effort that I could accept it.
Is it time to accept that if he wants to talk to me or contact me, he will have to do it? Time to cast off that last shackle?
Oh Portia, I just wrote a note to you on Bea's thread, then saw that you had posted here also. Do you think you might just be going through such a hard time hanging on because of all of the recent losses and funerals, and the memorial service at the hospice? That's a lot for anyone to have to deal with in one week, but someone also trying to deal with their SO's MLC.
Maybe it's not that he does not care whether he loses you or not, maybe it is that his GF is back in the picture, and you know how these affairs consume our MLCer's minds. So he is just not in a good mental spot to contact you yet. 11 months is a long time, but not really that long in MLC time.
But Portia, you sound so fried, so done. It hurts to hear you hurting. You can accept that he'll have to contact you if he wants to talk to you. And you can always change your mind. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you, but I'm clueless and mired in MLC madness myself. Maybe one of the vets will post here, or on Bea's new thread.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate you checking in on me! You said you wished there was something you could do, well, you are already doing it. I am grateful for your support.
I am well on my way to being done given the situation. It may be because it has been such a year of loss but I feel worse about our separation than I do about my parent's death. In case that sounds wrong, let me explain. I don't like the losses, full stop. Neither were in my control. But my parent left me with love and would not have chosen to leave me. He did not leave me with love and chose to leave me. With our MLCers, we not only get left (in my case emotionally and physically) but we get betrayed and abandoned which infects the wound and festers.
Given the pain of BD, I never believed I would get to this point. All I wanted was to hold on tight. Like everyone else, I believed that our connection was so strong that it could beat anything. That we are not even friends anymore and I have ceased to be too worried about it never occurred to me.
I am sad and it still hurts. As do my losses from death. But that last abrupt, short texting conversation killed any real hope I had that we would get through this. I may have days when I feel like contacting him, but I only need think of what happened last time to stop myself.
I want to have a good summer, catch up on my work and get some sunshine. Clean out the apartment. Get out the cobwebs.
Portia please do not think of it as defeat at best it is strategic withdrawal while you regroup. we have to protect our own hearts during all of this too.
You will know when you are done it isn't a decision it is a feeling. If it is a decision then you probably aren't done, just feeling understandably very hurt, if that makes sense?
Dealing with a MLC is just very very hard, and some/many get very stuck and it usually goes on for a long time. So continue with your life, and remember that you are teh prize. if your partner is stupid enough to let you go tht is his loss.
I remember a conversation I had with my accountant, who is also a friend, shortly after John left me, and he said that his biggest regret in his life now was leaving his wife!! And the divorced years ago. He has had two subsequent serious relationships, (and I could easily have become number 3, with a little encouragement (from me)) but she was still the prize. how sad is that?
Acknowledge your feelings fully. You will have a good and full life, I am sure, with your kindness and good sense.
Wow Bea, you write so eloquently and lucidly. Thanks for your good advice to our dear friend.
Bea, my H told me once, in the same exact conversation in which he told me he is considering divorcing me so he can marry his Russian Tramp, that he has a lot of friends who are divorced, and they always regret splitting up with their wives, and that not one of them was really happy in his second marriage. Portia, I'm sure the same goes for people who have been together for as many years as you and your SO have been, with or without that piece of paper. This conversation shows how messed up my H's mind is, but that's neither here nor there
I'm sorry that your own personal MLC idiot cannot even get it together enough for you two to be friends Bea. You are his prize, and Portia is the prize to her SO too. He just is too confused to realize it now!
Portia... so sad to hear it has been that long, and a long time since you have last heard from him. Can I ask what happened the last time you did contact?
Again, I agree with the others, sounds like you are adding to the pile (week), that you have been having. Time to do something nice for Portia... maybe a mani/pedi?
((HUGS)), wfm
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Bea And Linda - I concur what you both have said to Portia. She is the prize, as we all are. (I mean look at what we are going through for our MLC'ers, really?!?)
Portia, in the same sentence of my H saying he wanted a divorce he also said that he might regret it one day.
They are confused, when I get too close to my H, I see just how confused and childlike his brain really is. Weird to reflect and say that, but I do.
But anyhoo, that doesn't make anything (ie our love, our anger, our pain, etc...) go away.
Portia, if you want to be done, be done. But I think you are in the mode that most of us are still...acting "as if" we are. I keep listening to the guidance from the vets that I will just know...hoping I get the "know" too.
But do "know" this...your XSO, is going to be so sorry one day, and you may never know it, but he will. This thought sometimes boost my own ego and PMA. I see it little by little how I am the prize over OW. In the beginning I dwelled on how much better she was, and now I see differently...
I have been working on boosting my own ego....I guess in a sense focusing on me. Put any decisions on the back burner and start focusing on you!!!
Hugs girlfriend!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
So wonderful to have you all rallied behind me! Thank you!
Would you believe I caught a cold? So undignified to give a presentation with a stuffy nose
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Portia please do not think of it as defeat at best it is strategic withdrawal while you regroup. we have to protect our own hearts during all of this too.
When I first came on this Board I read a post on someone else's thread that said that this is not a game to be won or lost. Somehow, I have always taken that to heart. I truly believed that in opening up and contacting him via text, that would open up the door a little and invite him to initiate some contact with me. That so did not happen. Without that little effort on his part, the flame just seems to be dying.
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Portia... so sad to hear it has been that long, and a long time since you have last heard from him. Can I ask what happened the last time you did contact?
WFM, our last phone conversation was at the beginning of April. A couple of weeks ago, I initiated a text to him. He replied but was very short and uninterested. I texted again - my last shot - and he did respond. But when I responded to his question, there was no response from him, just left me hanging. That was about three weeks ago now. I have really had no desire to contact him since and it would appear that he does not want to contact me, either.
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You will know when you are done it isn't a decision it is a feeling. If it is a decision then you probably aren't done, just feeling understandably very hurt, if that makes sense?
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Portia, if you want to be done, be done. But I think you are in the mode that most of us are still...acting "as if" we are. I keep listening to the guidance from the vets that I will just know...hoping I get the "know" too.
Thank you Bea & B. You've pinned it. I feel as if I should make the decision to be done. But would I truly be done if he shows up in my life in the next while? And maybe, too, if I am honest, he seems completely done with me, so I feel I should be done with him. That I am wasting energy on someone who could care less. I will trust you Bea, I will KNOW when I am DONE.
Isn't it funny how all these "first husbands" regret their divorces? So human nature! Never learn from others mistakes, we just keep on making the same ones both on a large scale and small. When have wars ever been good? But humans keep on having them! Sometimes I wonder if we really are the evolved species we think we are. It isn't that I don't wish him happy. But I do hope he eventually learns what he has done and does regret it and feels regret. We all need those lessons to grow and I would hate to see someone who destroyed something so precious to forever be able to justify it in his head.
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Acknowledge your feelings fully. You will have a good and full life, I am sure, with your kindness and good sense.
I will because I will make it so! As I believe we all will. Life is precious and it is the little moments that can mean so much.
ugh Portia ~ he seems to be interested in his own world ATM. Sorry you didn't get the reception you were hoping for. Obviously he needs more time. I don't know which is worse/better.... hearing from them all the time (like me), or actually getting space and a break (like you).
Either way, take care of yourself & your cold. Keep looking for the positives in the day (drilling this into my head as I tell you).
Have a good one!
"Yesterday reminds us of where we have been; today we decide where we are going"
wfm
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
