Saturday night after dinner, I suggested we go to the beach. There was a bright super moon out that night. We were alone. She started to open up and tell me how she feels inside, all the pain she's been going through. It sounds quite painful.

She tells me "there's a hole right here", as she puts her fist to her chest. "There's something out there for me, but I don't know what it is." "I've been afraid to live life, I've wasted 30 years."

My thought: I know it's a deep search for meaning and purpose. All I can do is let her go.

She tells me about the time she kissed one of my friends at a New Years Eve party shortly after we met. Says fireworks went off and she's now yearning for that feeling again. Says how she missed out on the dating scene, never dumped or been dumped! (she was 16 when she met 18 year old me)

"People tell me I'm confused, or it's MLC, they think there's something wrong with me. But they don't know the truth of what I'm going through because I haven't told anyone about the incident. Why would I? To make you look bad? I see no point in doing that. Besides, I don't think I could even vocalize it. The only thing they know is I'm not happy with you. They've try'd to pry it out of me, but I wouldn't tell them."

"I've tried staying busy but you can only work so hard, go out so often, and drink so much. (!) Something's missing and I don't know what it is."

"I just hope that we can still be close friends." (after D) I told her I don't know if I can do that. She snipes "well it's nice to know you're not willing to be my friend". I said no, let me explain. I will always be friendly, but will find it difficult to be best friends with my W after she demotes me from H. I go on and tell her I really don't think either of us can say how things would play out, or how we would feel if we were to break up.

Considering how tense things have been between us, and how long we've avoided any talks of our relationship, it was an amazing evening. She really opened up and bared her soul. I impressed myself with my ability to validate, really listen, and not offer solutions. I was able to keep her talking and I know it was a great relief for her... and me.

Most of her words were clear that she was done, and that after a year and a half of reflection she doesn't see any hope of feeling anything more than friendship for me. Certainly would never want to ML with me again. But there was also a bit of confusion.

At one point she said she knew she was broken, later that I made her feel broken, and lastly that she was no longer broken.

Near the end she says "What am I going to do? What are we going to do?" Starts to cry. I put my hand on her shoulder and she immediately snaps at me to not touch her.

When she stops crying she asks to hear how I feel...

I tell her again how much I regret the pain I have caused her, the one I love most in the world. How I wish I could go back and change things, but can only move forward from here, and be the best person I can be. I make it clear that I understand she has to do what she feels is best for her, and that I will not stand in her way no matter what she chooses. I also tell her I absolutely do not want a D. I want more than anything to live the rest of my life with her, the love of my life.

She then asks, "So you're ok with never having sex again?"

I said no, but I also know that won't last forever. I'm willing to continue giving you the time and space you need right now to work things out, and I'm confident that you will.

In the end there were no hugs, but I know we both felt a lot better, just getting it all out. You can't avoid relationship talks forever.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl