The other feeling that I'm having lately but haven't written much about on the boards is anger. It's not a yell or scream type of anger, it's just in me...not really sure how to explain it. I'm not an angry person at all but right now there are 2 sources of it and I'm guessing some will come out while I type this.
First is obviously my W for doing the things she has and for breaking up our family. I know she's just doing what she feels is best for her; still angry at the selfishness of it all. Angry at myself for enabling a lot of it for so long as well. It also bothers me that she hasn't shown an ounce of remorse towards me or reached out a single time. She actually acts smug. Shocks me, and ticks me off, that she can throw me away so easily after almost 21 years and say she's doing what God wants her to do. Funny I haven't seen her read the Bible in over a year. I don't remember reading the verse where it says to cheat, lie, break up your family, repeatedly let down your kids, abandon all your friends that stuck by you through all the crap, and blame your H for everything wrong with your life (even before you met). Told you I had a little anger towards her .
The other source of anger, which I fully admit might be a little odd, is at myself. I'm angry because I now want the D and I want to break the vows I took. I know this is strange because she's the one that broke our vows, is forcing the D, is running around and all that. I also know I'm justified, even with God, to break off the M because of her actions and lack of remorse but it still doesn't make it right. I think I should still want to stand no matter what but I don't. I feel I should want to give it the years that many of my friends were able to. I know most of this stems from my dad walking out when I was 3 and me never wanting to be the father of a broken home. Guess I still have some obligation things to work through.
I'm angry at myself for feeling done, for being so detached towards her, for feeling like I let my kids and family down, and for even feeling angry about this because I know it's not my fault. I'm also angry that deep down I hope the D makes her see reality blows and she struggles because I don't want to have that thought but it's there (man that makes me sound bad doesn't it...). I hope it forces her to change and come running back to me as a new person so we can have a family again but I know the likelihood of that is remote at best.
See, told you it might not make much sense.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
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