Time for me (part 4)

[Spartan]

You know, S, I always say, you feel what you feel. There are no right or wrong feelings.

I know, I will admit life was a lot simpler when I played the typical guy stereotype and just buried my feelings. Letting myself feel all this stuff gets a little overwhelming some times. I'm back to normal today, processed yesterday and moving forward.

With that said, just because times were simpler I would never want to go back to that way of life. While the tough days can be a little harder to deal with the good times are even better than before. Guess it works both ways. I've finally let myself enjoy my life the way I want to live it and that's a nice way to go about the day.

Of course you feel sad at times. This is a sad thing - for you and your children.

I feel extreme sadness for my kids. I've realized over the months that what I'm mourning is the loss of our family and the hurt the kids feel and will feel later. Sad to admit that after the initial shock wore off I'm not really mourning the loss of my M or my W. Hope that doesn't make me sound like a bad person but it's where I'm at. She has been checked out for so long and it's been such a one sided relationship that I'm ok with being alone or with someone else. She's told me she wants to stay friends, I haven't said it (yet) but in my head is always thought of 'why would you want to start now, you haven't been there for me for years'. If I put my W translator on I think what she really means is I'd like to keep you close to use you when I need something. Maybe I'm just being negative (or realistic...).

And as far as hope. I think there is always hope - until you decide there isn't.

I do hold hope for our family. I also hope, even as unrealistic as it seems, that my W would one day look inside and want to work on herself. Without her doing that there is no chance for us to work. One thing I'm working on is realizing my new family is me and my kids. My hope is I'm able to give them a solid foundation to build a happy life on and not have the issues that I had for so long.