Good for you to sticking to your guns. You can get through this. Now you know your W is going to go back to being nasty again. Be prepared to put your foot down.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I got a lot out of NeedsGrace's post. Please read it again with great care and attention to detail. It was not all applicable to "me" but I can relate to several parts of it and think it's along the lines of some of your work.
And your screen name, (that book Power Of Now)-well sometimes I want to know if you need to read it again. And no offense, okay, but did you actually read that book? I did read it and got a bit out of it. But then I LISTENED to it on audio and something about his soothing voice makes the book clearer. I Don't listen to it driving, I listen to it when I lay down to sleep and still have some mental energy to chill with.
Originally Posted By: PowerOfNow
grace thanks for post. I have tools to manage anxiety. The trend is the day after she does this I spin out. I call everyone on my list to call. Which is ok. Some on list I shouldn't call. My alanon sponsor is spot on. What we're doing is giving you more tools. That's b/c it is the core issue you have and the tools have not been sufficient to stop the spinning. It spins and spirals and sometimes you act on it, but you are improving. Still it usually seems to just wreck parts of your day, a few days a week...and life can and ought to be better for you than that.
I think snodderly is right, gabby is right, I know you're all right. I honestly am continuing to work on myself very hard. I'm so early in on the work though. It is so slow moving for me. I need to put more of this in my higher powers hand and let it go from this day forward. It's a real gift to give yourself, when you learn to turn it over. Truly.
I appreciate your tips. I have a rubberband on my hand, I have mantras, I have chi gong breathing which helps me deeply. (deep slow breathing) I have alanon sponsor who is a GOD send miracle. ^^Those are great tools. So you know, WE change too. And sometimes the tools that helped us before, don't work as well, or sometimes we have to go back to basics.
When I was depressed, mornings were toughest on me. "What to do NOW?" was a huge heavy question that made me feel directionless.
But when I feel anxious, it's the evenings when I cannot sleep, b/c my "mental safeguards" are let down and the scary monsters of failure loom more at me.
So then I get my Power Of Now tape on, or my Marianne Williamson (Handling Fear & Anger, or "Return to Love" OR "The Gift of Change" are all great pieces and she has the best exercises for forgiveness that I know of).
Or some Joel Osteen if you like the scriptural stuff more,
and put the optimistic calming pieces on your playlist of your IPOD.
I also had my "I'm mad as he11 and I'm not going to take it anymore!" playlist for my DAYTIME runs...also known as "marathons of fury".
Whatever works...
I am doing much better right now in this moment. My disappointment is from 7 am to 10 am I spun my tires badly.
So, 3 hours of spinning and you spun until YOU slowed those RPMs down...not a whole day. Good! If it comes up again tomorrow b/c mornings are weird for you, make a plan NOW to address it.
And put it in God's hands when you can, (or Higher Power)
BTW, I used to call God, my "Higher Power, or "HP" b/c I had so much religious baggage growing up.
But now I'm fine saying either HP or "GOD", b/c that's who MY guy is. But you choose the term you need.
Know He cares & He is strong enough to handle whatever you throw at Him.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She's mad I will not move out . She stays home with kids all day and takes care of the house. I should leave and not disrupt kids. She told neighbors this
"I like the excuse she used for staying married. She really has no real reason for divorcing you, but in her mind, she's trying to do the right thing because she thinks you won't be able to handle a divorce."
This wasn't that I couldn't handle divorce, that I wouldn't be reasonable during it. She said we couldn't mediate. That I'm impossible to work with. Becausing during mediation I said I want my kids 50/50 and 50/50 on holidays. She didn't like it and the mediator said my body language and the way I acted would not work. He actually called my W and told her this stuff. (unprofessional)
PON, It's funny how they perceive things. For instance, it's okay for them to get all pissy and angry and confront, but they don't want us to do it to them. They come up w/all kinds of excuses, just as your wife did about mediation. They say we are unreasonable, we don't listen, we aren't civil, etc. Bottom line, projection on their part. When you are dealing w/her, you need figure out a way to "soften" your body language since the mediator picked up on it. I know you don't want this action to happen and yes, you want things 50/50, but when they do sense the body language, etc., they tend to fall back and remain there for a bit.
They have the best radar system for sensing things w/us that I have ever seen.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The body language the mediator picked up on was that I did not want to be in his office. I was sitting very far back from the table at the time. He wasn't wrong. I didn't want to be in the office.
As Bond and 25 predicted she will get angrier now. She stopped wearing her rings yet again and the crickets are back.
Giving up control to god is hard for me. I can't see my W ever doing her work. I know I can't worry about that and all I can do is continue to do my work which I haven't stopped. I wish these things wouldn't spin me out so much. My W uses the D word so much it makes me ill. Sunday night was the best I've handled it in awhile saying I wouldn't stand in her way of filing.
Snodderly she truly doesn't love or like me right now. Or that is how she feels. Sometimes I teeter with opening the cage completely up to her. Filing the papers and getting the process started for her.
She makes herself sick to her stomach staying in the sitch. That is what she said Sunday night. "I can't do this anymore, I can't sit in limbo etc..
I then start to feel guilty when she says that I should leave the marital home and keep the kids where they are at. Not disrupt them.
I honestly don't know if she is MLC or Perimenapause..
I remember asking her how we got along for the last 4 months. Dating etc.. Her answer was "that is me trying but I am not one of those wifes who can stay married for the kids"
Maybe I need to disappear every night after kids goto bed. It is tough. They goto bed at 9 pm and honestly I goto bed at 11 latest. Not like I'm around for hours with no kids
Thanks for listening. Read parts of T2's sitch, don't know how he does it.
Imagine all the times you felt that the right time, the right place, the right words, the right... context... would allow you the say and do the RIGHT things to get your W back...
Well, guess what...?
She thinks so, too... that YOU will make her feelings come back...
